My husband has looked at sex and netmatching sites. Should I leave him?

Question

We have been married for 8 years and still seem like if I don't know him yet. I always think he hides things from me and is not completly honest. I found out he looked into Escorts Sites and singles matching sites. He says is Yahoo that downloads all this stuff to people. I also found he deleted pictures of different women around my age. How did he got those if he didn't ask to receive them?. He said he was sent them but didn't ask for them...Our relationship has been bad for a long time and have been talking about separation for years. We have two amazing children aged 7 and 5. I am scared of not been able to survive a separation because I am from Spain and he is Irish. We live in Ireland and on my own I don't know if I would be able to survive the trauma of a separation. Not sure if I love him or not. Think I still do. But not sure if he loves me or not, he lies very easily and finds everything funny... he is that type of guy...

Answer 1

He is certainly lying to you from the sound of what you say. But.... to what extent is he being dishonest. Us Guys get off on flights of fantasy some times and this may just be his little fantasy. It may be that he is looking at a netdating site but is just trying to prove to himself he could still pull another girl if he wanted. It may be that if one genuinely responded he would run a mile. Photographs of women are littered all over the net and can be downloaded very easily so that is not much eveidence either way. The more serious aspect of this is that you say you have been talking about seperation for some time. In my opinion a relationship that has got that far is almost certainly irretrievable. As to whether you can survive the trauma in a Country other than your native land, I would say to you that with two young children to look out for you willl definately find the inner strength. I have known a few Spanish women and all have had a resolute charachter with that fiesty Mediterranean spirit. It would surprise me if you do not possess those same qualities.I wish you the very best and hope the outcome is how you want it to be and that you and your children have a happy life whatever happens. Take care

Answer 2

It's hard living with a liar, isn't it? I have a lying husband too, he recently had a fling with a much younger woman (well girl really) and lied to me constantly throughout the whole thing, despite the evidence in front of him that I found. He also looks at sites I'd rather he didn't, and it drives me crazy. I'm suspicious of everything he does and tells me, and don't really trust him much. But without further proof now, I dont know if he's still lying, although he confessed he finds it easy to lie and has done it all his life. I don't really know what to advise you, as I believe God will get me through this and change my husband from the inside, and that this day will be soon (God has promised me that things will get better for us. If you don't pray, maybe now would be a good time to start.) You need to start with a positive, like he is still with you after 8 years and hasn't left you, so you are in a strong position, and you have the kids. Most men who are addicted to those things will choose wife and kids over their addiction, when pushed to it. It's not an impossible situation, but you may have to start being more assertive and demanding honesty. Here's a link which may explain some of the things that can be wrong in a marriage and what to do about it. Best of luck and I'll pray for you too.

Answer 3

Don't jump to conclusions, dear one.

First the good news: Not everyone "looking" is actually seeking to date/hook up with someone. For many men and women it is much the same as paging through a Playboy magazine, or admiring a woman across the street. This may or may not be the case with your husband, but discuss it with him without being judgmental.

Now the better news:

You will do fine on your own if that is the direction you choose to take. But it won't be easy, obviously. Take a breath, and perhaps a break. Leave him with the kids and take a short holiday with just yourself. Determine if you want to continue the marriage or not. Once you have a better understanding of that, you will be better prepared to listen, forgive and perhaps be forgiven.

And for God's sake, woman, get a massage ;)

Answer 4

I think you've go to sort things out because obviously he should'nt be doing that. I think you should definitly not be living together if this is happening. With regards to your children, even though they will obviously be upset, in the long run they will realise why you seperated. Its worse for them if you are living together both uncertain about whether things will work and things don't always just sort themselves out and you have to take action. Your husband is acting totally inappropriatly for a married man with children and if you think that he is "that kind of guy", you obviously realise yourself that you think that you could be getting more out of life than you are doing. If you split up, the worst that could happen is he meets someone else but if hes already looking on internet sites then you don't want to be with someone that is'nt committed anyway........... I'm sure you can do a lot more than you think without him so I think definitely decide what you want!
Good Luck and Best Wishes

Answer 5

The two of you need to sit down and have a serious talk and maybe do some type of couseling with a professional or a pastor, etc. The fact that he is on these sites is not a reason to leave. But, it does point to the fact that he feels something is missing in your marriage. Emotional needs are not being met by probably both of you and you need to get down to the bottom and put together some strategy to get better. You guys have to be open and honest about how you feel and what you need and what may be missing out of the marriage. Marriage is a life-long committment and from time to time we all need to take a look at what we are contributing to our marriage and what our spouse needs from us. Many times, life events(children, job, friends, family, etc) get in our way and we do take each other for granted.

Answer 6

Marriage is like a new house; it depreciates with age, the smell of a new home quickly vanishes and so does the passion of married couples. You spend money furnishing the house, making additions here and there and developing an emotional attachment to the the things, an effect children have on you. sometimes the roof leaks, the faucet drips and the walls crack, so does your husband fool around on the internet. But then if you still love your house and cherish the memories that come with that house, you will try to repair the cracks, the leaks and the drips. So would you constantly maintain a marriage to keep it going.

Answer 7

If he is looking at net matching and escort sites then he is obviously a waste of space. As for having stuff sent to your computer this can happen as it has happened to me and my husband. If your relationship has been bad for a long time and he finds that funny then I think you've answered your own question. Maybe he should spend his time trying to fix his marriage and not perving on the net. When he goes out cut the end off the internet phone line then he won't be laughing.

Answer 8

My ex-boyfriend used to do all that stuff too. I thought it was harmless until I found out he'd being seeing a girl he met in a sex chatroom for ten months, behind my back. We'd been together for 5 years and owned a house together, and it was really difficult to part - and i know it will be much harder for you with the kids. But it will probably be better for them in the long run to see their mum happy, rather than trapped in a painful relationship. Leave him - I know it doesn't feel like it, but you will be able to survive: you'll do it for your kids. And if there's any justice in this world, he'll end up sad and alone, while you will find someone who will love you and treat you right

Answer 9

Blimey love that husband of yours sounds like my ex husbands twin.My ex used to do the same and he even advertised in the singles ads in the paper,he slept with escorts had many many affairs,he looked at dating sites,rang premium rate date and chat lines.I was married for 9 years and he had 7 affairs in that time,Im no expert but I believed my ex husband was a sex addict and reading a small bit of what you are going through it sounds as if your husband is also.You will survive on your own,its hard at first I think the discust in what hes doing has turned you against him you dont say that hes been unfaithful but I know inside it is worse than an affair the hurt is hard to deal with and you probably cannot understand why he needs to do it.How long has he been doing this?its probably longer than you know.There is a life out there for you,even if you survive on benefits untill you sort yourself out its something,can you not ask family in spain for help I know it may be difficult I assume you come from a roman catholic background being spanish.Once a liar always a liar this man will never ever change and why should he ? you are putting up with it, he has the best of both worlds, why put yourself through more pain,I feel nauseous for you now I know what your going through,Hey im a survivour i got out with 3 children i moved back to where i came from i live in a rented house on benefits but the stress has gone and im a happier person.Please be strong dont put up with it,there are decent men out there.You will survive this take one day at a time,dont be a door mat for this man.

Answer 10

It's all too easy to contact people on line. The temptation, the excitement... he might just be talking and looking, it might be more. You two need to talk. If necessary, get some counselling together.

The Internet is an addiction, maybe he can cut down and spend more time with you and the family?

If you can't face a separation then you need to work to improve things. If you can't trust him and want out, do your homework first. Surely your children will guarantee you being able to stay in Ireland? Look into it.