Can you make me laugh?

Question

Give me a good laugh! If you can cheer me up a bit, that will help.

Answer 1

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time you were unfaithful to me, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"



An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"



A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replies "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTTWEILER "JESUS".



A kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts at the end of the year from her students. A little girl who's daddy owned a meat shop, came up to the teacher, and handed her a box. The teacher held the box above her head, and shook it. Then she said, "I bet it's some beef jerky."
"Why, yes!" The little girl exclaimed. "How did you know?"
"Just a lucky guess..." The teacher replied
Then a little boy who's daddy owned a sweet's shop, came up to the teacher and handed her a box. The teacher held it above her head, shook it and said, "I bet it's some sweets!"
"Yes it is! How did you know?" The boy asked.
"A lucky guess..." The teacher said.
Then a third little boy came up to the teacher. His daddy owned a
liquor store. The little boy handed the teacher a box, and as the
teacher went to hold the box above her head, she noticed it was
leaking. She let a drop fall on her finger, and she tasted it.
"It's wine, isn't it?"
"No." The little boy said with a grin on his face.
So the teacher let a few more drops fall on her finger, and tasted it
again. "It champagne isn't it?"
"No." The little boy said with his grin getting bigger.
"Alright." The teacher said. "I give up. What is it?"
The little boy then shouted... "IT'S A PUPPY!"




Three guys die and go to heaven, and God tells them, "You will each get a vehicle depending on how often you cheated on your wife." So the first guy says, "Never." and gets a minivan. The second guy says, "Sometimes." and gets a golf cart. The third guy admits, "More than I should have." and gets a motor scooter. Suddenly, the fisrt guy starts sobbing and says, "I just saw my wife in rollerblades."



A philosophy professor stood before his class. He picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life.
"The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The sand is everything else. The small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you."

But then a student took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a can of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is: That no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.



In a small town in England, there is a small store. And in the store is a magic Mirror of Truth. If you go up to it and tell the truth, you get a shiny piece of gold. But if you lie, you disappear.
A very ugly brunette came in, stood in front of the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think I am the prettiest woman in all of England!" And poof, she disappeared.
Next came a fat, redhead. She stood before the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think I am the prettiest woman in all of England." Poof! She disappeared!
Then a drop-dead gorgeous Blonde came into the store. She stood before the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think..." Poof! She disappeared.



Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself.

"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter.

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children."

The last guy replies. "I would like to hear them say.... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!



A man was riding in his car when a patrolman pulled him over and said, "You've just won $5,000 for wearing your seatbelt in a safety competition. What are you going to do with the money?"
And the guy said, "Well, I guess I'll go to driving school and get my drivers' license."
Then his wife, who was sitting beside him said, "Don't listen to him. He's always cocky when he's drunk."
Suddenly a guy popped up from the backseat and said, " I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
Soon came a knock from the trunk, and a voice said in Spanish, " Are we over the border yet?"



An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a small room. The walls closed and as the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers lighted up above the wall. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction, and then the walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."



One day a blonde and a brunette were watching the 6:00 evening news. On the news was a boy at the top of a building getting ready to jump. The blonde says out loud "I don't think he will jump."
The brunette responds by saying "I'll bet you $5 he will jump."
"Well I bet you $50 he won't jump," the blonde retorts.
"You're on!!" says the brunette.
After some time the boy finally jumps. The blonde pays up. As the brunette is walking out the door she turns around and says "I can't take this money from you. I saw the whole thing on the 5:00 evening news."
The blonde says "So did I, but I didn't think he would do it again."



There were three construction workers working high on a skyscraper. During a lunch break, the 1st guy opened his lunchbox and said, "Yech, ham! Next time I get ham I am gonna jump off this building!"
The 2nd guy opened his lunchbox and said, "Yech, tuna! Next time I get tuna, I'm gonna jump off this building!"
The 3rd guy opened his lunchbox and said, "Yech, baloney! The next time I get baloney, I'm gonna jump off this building!"
The next day during lunch, all three workers opened their lunchboxes. The 1st guy got ham. The 2nd guy got tuna. And the 3rd guy got baloney. Without another word, the three men jumped off the building and plummeted to their death.
At the funeral, the mothers of the 1st guy and the 2nd guy were crying and blaming themselves. The mother of the 3rd guy, however, was laughing. "Why are you laughing?" the two mothers asked. "Your son is dead. It was your fault."
"No it wasn't," she explained, "He made his own lunch!"



A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children started to discuss the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
Then a third child brought the argument to a close...
"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."



A cop saw a car driving erratically and pulled the driver over. "Sir, I need you to breath in this breathalizer for me," said the policeman.
The guy said, "I can't do that, office. I'm an asthmatic. If I do that, then I'll have a really big asthma attack."
The cop said, "Okay, then I need you to come down to the station with me and we'll do some blood work."
The guy said, "I can't do that either. I'm a hemophiliac. If I do that, then I will bleed to death."
The cop said, "Fine. Then I need a urine sample from you."
The guy replied, "I can't do that either. I'm diabetic. If I do that then my sugar will get REALLY LOW and I may die."
The cop then said, "Okay, okay! Then I need you to step out of the car and walk this white line."
The guy said, "Sorry, but I can't do that either."
The frustrated cop said, "Why not!?"
The guy said, "Because I'm drunk."



These two really dumb guys were walking along the beach one day. They had never been to a beach before and they were in absolute awe of all the seagulls. As they looked up in amazement, one of the birds took a dump on one dumb guy's head. "Oh my goodness," said the other. "I'll run back to the car and get some toilet paper!"

"Don't bother," said the splattered one, "I kinda think he'll be gone by the time you get back!"



Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl. The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB."

The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH."

The third said, "You both have it wrong -- it's WOOM."

The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."

At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look. It's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it." Then she left.

Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, "Well. I don't know. A young girl like that. I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!"



A man was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.

A week later, the man was back at the doctor's complaining that his constipation had gotten worse, not better.

The doctor asked, "Have you been taking the suppositories?"

"What do you think I've been doing," said the fellow, "Shoving them up my butt?"



A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly, his wife enters with frying pan and smashes him over the head with it.
Man: "What was that for?"
Wife: "Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with "Daisy" written on it?"
Man: "Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Daisy was the name of the horse I bet on."
The wife was satisfied, and apologized for bonking him.
Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when once again he is bonked on the head.
Man: "What's that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called."



Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.



A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence from the following words:
1. Deduct
2. Defense
3. Defeat
Nobody could think of a sentence. And then the dumbest kid in the class raised his hand and said, "I can do that - 'Dee duck jumped over dee fence and hurt dee feet.'"



Sven and Ole worked together, and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.

Asked his occupation, Ole said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he said.

Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.

When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained: panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.

"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter."



Two Irishmen were in a lifeboat after their craft sank in a storm. After hours of floating aimlessly, one spotted an old lamp in the boat. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie appeared. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"




I hope u liked them.

Answer 2

Life is full of emotions like laughing, smiling, crying, weeping, fear, hatred, jealousy and many more. Out of all these, laughing is loved and liked by all. That is why someone has rightly said, “ You laugh and the world will laugh with u, you weep and u shall weep alone.” Sometimes, life becomes monotonous and one starts getting bored. To remove such monotonousness and boredom, I feel that surfing on the following websites can be helpful in making one cheerful, refreshen up and gain some emotional or psychological energy too. Surf on them and see how helpful these are to u to bring a smile on ur face.
http://www.comedycentral.com/jokes/index.jhtml
http://www.ahajokes.com/
http://www.the-jokes.com/
http://www.lotsofjokes.com/
http://www.jokesgallery.com/
http://www.workjoke.com/projoke.htm
http://www.jokes2000.com/
http://yahooligans.yahoo.com/content/jokes/
http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/
http://www.kidsjokes.co.uk/
http://www.ahajokes.com/yo_mama_jokes.html
http://www.allfunnypages.com/funny-jokes/yo-mama-jokes/funny-yo-mama-jokes.htm
http://www.africanjokes.com/africanjokes/?id_category=98
http://www.blonde-jokes.info/
http://www.zelo.com/blonde/index.asp
http://www.indiabook.com/jokes/Entertainment_and_Arts/Bollywood/

Please visit the above pages to find different variety of jokes. I hope, it helps u in making u laugh. Enjoy and have fun..

Answer 3

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
you unique up on it.

Umm, Hello?
by Dane Cook
album: Harmful If Swallowed (2003)
Then get this right? I'm driving along man I'm driving as I'm driving,
I'm driving safely. I'm obeying the rules..of the road.
Whatever sign comes at me I look at it and I go ..Ok. you got it, sign.
Right so I'm driving safely all of a sudden a guy in another lane,
compeletly oblivious to me. He starts coming into my lane.
JUST COMING IN And if I didn't see him coming in..accident.
But because I saw him..ah I see HEYY Right i see.
I assess the situation. I see I assess the sit-u-a-tion.
And then I uh eased on the brake. As he's coming I ease.
And I said what anybody here says automatically when this happens.
You can't help it. It just comes out, ready? ready?...

Um, Hello?
...Um, Hi? Hello? Unless you're black. If you're black it's a little different.
If you're black it's uh check out this **********..check out this
**********!
If you're chinese it's *screech* *crash* So that's...that's nice.
**********************************************************
I go to a car accident. I got in this car accident recently right?
Not my fault! This car accident was not my fault.
Right but you know how it goes...Get in a car accident,
even if it is not your fault. The other person, they get out of their car,
look at you like it's your fault. Even if it is CLEARLY their fault,
they get out. They're like. Alright, why did you stop at a red light
and let me hit you doing 80?! WHY DID YOU STOP AT A RED LIGHT?
Then you get out right? You go you start looking at the damage.
You start looking. Keep looking at each other and back at the damage
Will you please come and look at my damage with me sir?
If we look together maybe some magic will happen.
This is horri- feel this! This even feels damaged!
Do you have tools, can you fix this right now?
This is horribly- this feels so horribly damaged.
Even if I was blind I would know this is horribly damaged,
by the way it feels.

Then you gotta exchange the information right?
That sucks cuz nobody ever has a ******* pen. You stand there.
Do you have a pen- I don't have a pen...Can you remember all my ****?
Do you have a lipstick or something? A crayon?
Right? So when you finally... here's what happens.
You finally get information going and you print your stuff nice and clean.
There you go..there's my. I highlight. Everything's nice.
You give him the... there you go. It's in an envelope. Ugh yeah.
Nice and - But then you get their information and it looks like,
they were having a ******* seizure while writing it.
You're like dude you got like a 28 digit phone number going on here buddy.
And under name you drew a picture of a monkey ******* a coconut.
What is that? Is your name Monkey ******* a coconut sir? MFC? is that you?
MFC? That's a monkey... that could be a melon looks like a coco-nut.
Then you take a second..here's where it starts getting embarrasing right?
You take a second while you're doing the exchange.
You just look around for a second and there's people EVERYWHERE.
They're like building bleachers on the sidewalk and ****.
People coming out of bushes... What? Accident?
I'm gonna watch for awhile! Wow! They're discussing it right there!

Answer 4

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

Answer 5

What's wrong even you avatar is sad. I don't think that I can cheer you up but I hope that your day gets better.

I just read your 360 and now I know why you're sad. Sorry about you're lost.

Answer 6

The teacher asks Michelle, "Michelle, can you say a sentence with the word calculator in it?" Michelle responds, "yes, ma'am. When I do my math I use a calculator." "Very good!" replies the teacher.
Next the teacher asks Thomas, "Thomas, can you say a sentence using the word calculator?" "Yes, ma'am", replies Thomas. "When I can't Figure out a math problem, I use a calculator to help me." "Very good Thomas" replied the teacher.
Next the teacher asked Pepito. "Pepito, can you say a sentence using the word calculator?" "Is Mrs.", replies Pepito. "Guen my mamita make me som frijoles con som rice and con som papitas con som chorizo and I eat it all up....den, I take a caca later

Answer 7

What goes ha ha ha thump?
A man laughing his head off! lol Seriously, I am happy you are healthy enough to write that question and that you are alive. You should be too! Hang in there!

Answer 8

the other night my husband got up and i never heard him. I got up to use the washroom, ran right into him into the dark hall and we both screamed. Then laughed.

Answer 9

Take a look at my latest makeover. I think I look fabulous but I am sure it will make you laugh.

Answer 10

ok :::
Q: What do you get if you mix a rabbit with a snake?

A: A jump rope! LOL!!!!!
and here is the funnesit thing i ever had in my whole life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
in 5th grade my old firned she pulled up her chiar and she bumped her head on the table.
she said it do not hurt. LOL

Answer 11

Maybe not laugh! But marry me and you'll cry for years!