Please mature answers only...Do I stay or do I leave...I've been batteling over this for years.?

Question

I've been married for 18 years, 12 years ago she was diagnosed with cancer and I was ready to leave then but didn't want to look like I was running from her disease so I stayed. Weeks before her diagnosis she had an affair that's why I was going to leave, nevertheless I stayed for a hellish 12 more years. There has been no love or at least very little in these 12 years, have had sex only, and this is not due to the cancer, maybe a dozen times and it's all about, get it over with, like I said, sex not love making. I'm now expecting a decent amount of $$ very soon do to an accident and now I think the time is right to go. I have a 12 yr. old daughter that want's to stay with me and a 16 yr. old son that would like to stay with his mom which is OK. Also, my high school sweetheart just got back in touch with me and I have never really stopped loving her even though we haven't seen each other in 6-8 yrs. She want's to get back together and it seems like a dream if we did. What should I do ?

Answer 1

To stay for an additional 12 years is very admirable. Sounds like you have done all you can do and tried everything you could try. It is time for you to think about yourself. Don' t feel bad about leaving. Make yourself happy, you deserve it!!!!

Answer 2

Well, I guess most ppl wouldn't touch this one with a ten foot pole. I will though. Obviously there are other things involved here...for instance why would you think now after 12 hellish years you are getting some $$ that is would be a good time to leave her and your suddenly aware that you never stopped loving your high school sweetie ? You saw your HS sweetie 6-8 years ago? Under what circumstances was that? Why has it been so hellish for the past 12 years? Is your wife having a hard time dealing with the cancer and the thought that she could die anytime now and would leave behind the ppl she loves? Or is it because you haven't helped her deal with it? These questions are asked to help you try to think of the other side not just your own. I admire that you have continued with the struggle, but it doesn't have to be that way. You've been with this woman for 24 years! That says something. I say you need to find a new way to work through it. Find a new love life with your WIFE! Money and the HS sweetie is just a ploy. You may be depressed, who knows seek professional help for you and her and together. Does that help any?

Answer 3

Of course, I am only getting one side of the story here, but it seems to me you have done your best and fought the good fight. You have made every attempt and effort to stay and be the right kind of husband.

She apparently, does not seem to appreciate it at all. From what you have written, you both are quite obviously miserable. This can not be a good situation for you, your wife or your children. How likely do you think it is, she has continued with the same affair or has started a different one in all of this time?

I want to go on record as saying I hate divorce, and all of the heart break and destruction that comes with divorce. Having said that, I want to now say I am not so foolish as to think all marriages can be saved, because they can not. Some marriages have at least one, if not both parties who could care less about the other.

I think the time has come, and has actually passed, for the two of you to acknowledge openly and honestly that this marriage is over. Neither of you are gaining anything now, all that can happen is the two of you grow to deeply despise and resent each other, which is also not a good thing because children are involved.

The ball is in your court, what happens from here is up to you. Remember, when leaving, if you in fact decide to leave, take the moral high road. Do not get caught up in childish name calling, and accusations. As long as the two of you have been together, you should be able to end this maturely and responsibly.

Lots of luck to you.

Answer 4

Here it is. You don't have to stay to be there for your ailing wife. Staying under false pretenses isn't good for anyone. You-because you know you don't want to really be there and you're only staying out of a feeling of obligation; Your wife-because she has a sense, whether you know it or not, that your heart is not there, and it may actually be causing her more harm than good; your children-because, coming from where they've been, I can tell you first hand that's it's more cruel to stay. Your children can see the love lost. Abandoning is when you leave the family-period not offering child support, alimony, not seeing the children...things like that. You can have two separate entities in your life if you work it right. Have a heart to heart. First, with your wife, then with the children If you let her know you will always be there to support her (and mean it, and do it) you can walk away without leaving. If you rekindle something with your high school sweetheart, God Bless you, but don't factor that into your initial decision to leave. You're not the bad person you think you Will be if you leave. It's all in how you go about it. Good Luck!

Answer 5

Wow- well, I think I would have left the instant she had had an affair and then been there for her emmotionally as a friend since you did share your life with her at one point in time- and as always be there for teh children. As for the high school sweetheart- I did not always believe this but after reuniting with my high school sweetheart I really do believe that the first person you feel you love is the "one" for you and the others are just fillers until you may meet them again. I am not sure how you feel about that but perhaps go slow before you jump into another relationship. I would nto stay in a marrage I was unhappy with though if there was really no love or emmotion there anymore so really you are only there for the support of her cancer anyhow-I mean hell, any and everyone can have sex but when you make love to or with someone that is special and that feeling never leaves you- you will always remember. Your children aren ot babies- they should be able to understand- not neccessarily like it but they should be able to handle this like mature beings. I wish you the best in your decision sir and the best for your wife, h.s. honey and children.

P.S. Cancer or not- speaks a LOT of your character as a man that you stayed with her after cheating for so long-ALOT, not many men would be able to. I think whatever woman you had or do end up with is lucky to be with and know you.

Answer 6

Well that last bit says it all, you want to be with the high school sweetheart. Look do what you want but let me ask you this? Are you still in high school? No, of course not, so what makes you think your 'high school' sweetheart is still going to be what you want? I assume you have both grown up, at least a little, and changed since then but you have been cultivating this romantic, perfect IDEA in your head all these years. You are going to be very disappointed because by now its the idea you are in love with, not her, you don't even know her, she is a stranger to you. So why didn't you leave after she reached a safe spot after the cancer? This is all about the old gf, the rest of it is just excuses. Your marrige is in a ditch because you let it be in a ditch. So sure leave if you want to but at least be real about it.

Answer 7

Go. But before you run to your HS sweetheart, spend a little time by yourself -- to reacquaint yourself with YOU.

I'm sure that your wife senses that there is no love, passion or communication in your relationship (or she wouldn't have had an affair, right?). She seems substantially recovered so you can set aside your feelings of guilt on that point. Remaining in this situation is just not a good idea: it doesn't seem productive and it seems very unhappy.

Give yourself a little room though, to get to know yourself again before you jump into anything with the HS sweetheart. I think that you will get much more out of this relationship if you allow yourself a chance to "fly solo" -- just to regain your balance and perspective for a little while. Then, you will feel strong and able to contribute to a new relationship and feel good about giving yourself to someone else after such a long, drawn out relationship that sounds very joyless. Be strong. Good luck to you.

Answer 8

You have put in enough time for people to be satisfied that you did not leave because of her cancer. You really didn't need to worry about what people said anyway. They weren't in the marriage and going through what you were.

I suggest you talk to a lawyer to see if she has any claim to the money you will be getting. She may be able to get some of it because of her health condition. Don't make any plans without the advice of a good lawyer.

Who knows if the high school sweetheart will work out or not. Don't leave for that reason. Leave to find a better life for yourself.

Answer 9

Life is so short. I mean that, even when someone is 60 yrs old and above when they die, it still hurts like hell doesnt it? We always want our family and loves around. Since life is so short no matter how old you are why would you want to waste it in an unloving relationship. You should never stay in a relationship out of obligation. Im glad YOU never cheated on her, but the fact thats she cheated on you, says her love wasnt there either. Why are you still together?! End it now. Your kids are at the age when they can choose who they want to be with. Love them no matter what they choose, but you have to live your life, dont stop it for anyone. I also think you should not jump in to anything with this other woman so fast. I think you may need some alone time. Time to recoup.

Answer 10

If we're voting, I vote: RUN FOR THE HILLS!!

You did your duty. The kids are practically raised. The vows were broken when she cheated. You owe nothing. Get the papers filed, for the mere fact that the money is coming. You can always get back with her, if you have a relapse of White Knight Syndrome.

Check in with your ex-sweetheart. But, DO NOT rush into a fantasy relationship with her. Live the rest of your life for purposes of "quality," but do not buy into the belief that this is the "happily ever after": You'd just be asking for disappointment. Give yourself time and space to grieve one loss. Don't cover up pain with the high of a new relationship. Coming down off a high like that (and you will, eventually) brings back everything you stuffed in the process.

Answer 11

You are in a very sticky situation, my friend. From one standpoint, you should leave if you're not happy - and good for you for at least trying to stick it out and being there through the ordeal of your wife's cancer. However, now that she is (I assume) in remission, perhaps it IS time for you to find some happiness on your own.

The flip side is, of course, that you're bailing because you don't want to share your large windfall with your wife, and are trying to take off before it arrives. ... I sincerely hope that is NOT the case!

In the end, you should do what your heart tells you to do - we are certainly not certified counselors, nor are we living your life and know all the facts. Maybe you SHOULD get some counseling and see what advice a professional might have on the matter.