Should he choose me or his mom?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. We have four children we are raising together. (Only one is his). His mother and I do not get along. She treats my other children like they are dirt. She does this to the kids's face. |She tells lies about me to everyone she meets. Her house is absoluty disgusting and would be condemned if authorities we to see it.
The point is that when she puts me or my children down I get very upset.
Should my boyfriend take my side or hers? |I am a good person and would never ask him to take a side, but I would feel better if I knew what ya all thought.

Answer 1

Your boyfriend shouldn't have to choose and you shouldn't have to be stuck in the middle of, what is very obviously, problems between him and his mother.
They need figure out what is wrong with their relationship and fix that first.
He should stand up for you and your children, all of them, that is what MEN do. They protect their family.
Tell him to cut the umbilical cord and move on with his family before he loses them. It is a mother's instict to protect her children from harm or hurt. If he continues to let his mom barrade you the way she does, your maternal instict will be to remove your children from the situation. Good Luck!!

Answer 2

Wow...interesting family dynamics, on all levels.

You do not mention how close his mother lives to you guys and whether she watches the kids at any time or details about when she visits you all or when you all visit her...so I'm left wanting additional details.

Since you and boyfriend are not married (too bad - a commitment would be helpful for the kids and show them some kind of family stability), and you two are shacking up, then boyfriends' mom is free to say what she will (regardless of how distasteful it is)...she isn't your mother-in-law and she probably doesn't respect the lifestyle her son has chosen...she might even be embarrassed or angry over this.

Have you and boyfriends' mom ever sat down, without kids or boyfriend, and had a serious talk about who you are and what your life plans are as they relate to boyfriend and your child from him?
An adult-to-adult conversation might be helpful to resolve or at least understand the issues.

Boyfriend is free to take whomever side he wants...he's not married to you so he can be loyal to whomever he pleases.
If he were married, I would expect (and demand) that he stay by your side, right or wrong.

I don't dispute whether you are a good person or not...and for the record, it is your kids that I feel bad about...they don't have a choice in this situation.

But you do have a choice.
You and boyfriend can set up some house rules and let his mom know what those rules are, if she is to visit you guys.

Whatever she says or does in her own home is her business, just as it applies to you in your home.
You might not like that, but the reality is she doesn't owe you anything, anymore than you owe her anything.
And until you two come to some sort of an agreement, it's not going to get better.

Answer 3

Well, I don't really think it comes down to a matter of choosing between you or his mom. And, when you talk to him about it, please don't phrase it that way. He will immediately be defensive and feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. The harsh reality is that regardless of how badly the mother may behave, it IS still his mother and there's a certain bond/relationship there that he needs/wants to maintain. However, I am NOT saying what she is doing is ok and that you should just accept it because it's his mother. Your bf has chosen you as a partner, had a child with you, and I assume, has accepted the other parental role that comes with having a life with someone who already has children. In light of this, he should be standing up for you and the children. And, YES, even though it IS his mother. He should not allow you or any of the children to be disrespected or humiliated. He needs to sit down with his mother and let her know that he loves you and the children and that this is the life he has chosen and that makes him happy. He needs to tell her that when she disrespects or hurts any of you, it hurts and saddens him. That he would appreciate it if she would treat all the children equally and respect his choices as a man and his wife (oops, I mean gf). If after they talk, the behaviour continues, he would have to let her know that he cannot accept the disrespect she is showing him by going against his wishes and continuing to hurt his family and that if she can't find it within her to be loving and civil then he can't find it in himself to subject his family to any more of the pain and that when she feels she can conduct herself like a respectable human being, give him a call and y'all would love to come and visit or have her over for a visit. Ok, so maybe leave out the part about "when you can conduct yourself.....".....lol.....was just getting carried away in my head! Sometimes you want to say exactly what you're thinking but in light of the relationships involved, tact is always good. Anyway, now that I've gone on and on......In a nutshell, your bf needs to stand up for you and your children without being disprespectful to his mother. Good Luck. It's a very difficult situation to be in. For you, your bf, and your children. Oh, the poor children....Anyway, best of luck.

Answer 4

Have you ever said anything to him coming to your defence? Sad as it is, people have a tendancy to disgruntle children that are not of 'blood relation'. I would bluntly tell him with hurt not anger that, you are tired of her treating you and your 'other' children like one of the rugs in her filthy house and you aren't going back nor the children, all 4 of them, children notice favoritism from adults, and if you don't want them picking up on this behavior don't expose them to her. Giving you b/f an ultimatum may go over about as well as a turd in a punch bowl but you know him better. He may not agree with your decission but he should at least stand by you and respect you for it. I usually try to let things like that lie as much as possible just to avoid confrontation, but if she made the mistake of asking what your problem is, then I'd let her have it with both barrels and still not take the kids. Tell her, KNOW YOUR ROLE, AND SHUT YOUR HOLE!!! Unless you put your foot down, you will never have a decent relationship with this man. If he's a mommas boy and doesn't help support you with this send him back to live with her.

Answer 5

i think u should take the mother for what she is a very horrible person putting down others to make herself feel better. u shouldn't ask ur man to take sides but u should let him know that u feel very uncomfortable around this person and u do not wish to subject yourself or your other children to this. i would also go 2 her and ask her what it is that u or your children have done to be subject to her behavior and then tell her if that continues u nor your children will not be coming around and that includes the grandchild if she can't respect the mother of whom this child has came from then she can't very well say that she accepts this child. good luck!!!

Answer 6

He should respect his mother, but he should choose you. A man does not spend his life with his mommy. At some point, they need to "grow up" and leave home. He should still love his mom, of course, and at least listen to her thoughts and wishes, but ultimately, a man should choose his wife...or, in this case, his girlfriend/mother of his child!
Tell your boyfriend how you feel, and let him know that although you disagree with his mom and have been hurt by her, you know that he loves his mom and respects her. And don't ever bash his mom in front of him or ask him to choose sides. Let that happen on its own. He should be able to see for himself how poorly his mother is treating you and your children. And if he's a good man, he will stand by you.

Answer 7

I can't imagine a more valuable gift to your children, than them observing you handle this woman with unconditional love.

Your kids will no doubt run into difficult people in their lives. They will learn how to handle this from you. Do you best to purge fear-based thoughts, and you will find love-based thoughts are underlying the fear based ones.

Have you just out and said, 'Why do you make negative comments about me/my children? I don't understand, and I would like to.'

As for whose side your boyfriend should take, focusing on that is not going to help YOU. This is about your own self esteem, don't rely on what he does, otherwise that is codependency.

Good luck

Answer 8

Why would you even bother to take yourself or your children through this? It is time for you to stand up for yourself, not to wait for your boyfriend to do so. Why on earth would you allow anybody (regardless whether they are relatives or total strangers) to treat your children like dirt, and continue to reside in this type of situation?!? What kind of mother does this make you???

Answer 9

He shouldn't choose sides at all. What he should do, is stand up for the children he raises as his own. Whether or not they are his by blood, they look to him as their father figure....and fathers should protect their children from ridicule, especially when it comes from within the extended family.

Answer 10

Hi there baby - I have been in a similar situation, without children involved, but other complications, with my partner's daughter. Naturally he chose me, or I'd be saying ex-partner. If he can't be strong enough to stand up for his partner (whether you can defend yourself or not) then he isn't much of a man.