Being Abused:I need encouragement and support.?

Question

I'm 43 years old, married from 16-34 to a man that was abusive. I left the state in 98 and have been in 2 relationships since them. I am currently in an interracial relationship and being physically and emotionally abusive. I've been told if I want to end the relationship that he was "going to end it right." I have no family here but a good job. I have called to get into a domestic shelter and I'm going to get a protection order. I am so scared and feel so alone. I just need someone to talk to, someone that maybe has been through this. The fear is overwhelming. I'm not one to toot my own horn at all but I am one of the most compassionate, laid back, calm and caring people you could ever meet. Why does this happen to me? What am I doing to attract people with violent behaviors? Anyone want to talk? Thank you

Answer 1

hey, i'm here to support you. you really need some form of protection. if he continues to abuse you, move on and away or seek the courts help.

Answer 2

Sweetie, I'm so sorry! No one deserves to be abused especially someone who is compassionate and caring such as yourself. I haven't been abused, but I do understand the overwhelming fear since I've been in life-threatening situations before, and I do know abusive people.

It's admirable that despite your fear, you've already handled the situation well by getting a protection order and made arrangments to go to a domestic shelter. Many people in abusive relationships are too scared to take these steps, so what you did was very courageous.

The thing about abusive people is that deep down they're very scared and insecure. This why they prey on people they perceive to be weaker-- they want to feel strong and powerful. Thus, you probably attract these abusers because you project insecurity or low self-esteem--- these qualities are very attractive to abusive people.

What you have to do is smile more and project confidence. You sound like a strong woman, so why not act like the confident woman you already are? Once you ooze confidence, then you'll attract the right kind of men.

Another thing you should do is ask your friends to set you up with someone they know from work. That way, you can weed out the psychos and go straight to dating a good man.

Meanwhile, I wish you the best of luck. Do whatever it takes to get away from this man. Don't let his threats scare you away from doing what's best for you. Leave the jerk now because if you stay in the relationship, then eventually he'll beat you to death. End this relationship now while you still can.

Answer 3

Even though it will be hard get out as soon as possible. Be alone for a while. The next time you get in a relationship when you see the bad signs end it right then and there cause you cant afford to take any chances on another bad relationship. Nip it in the bud right away, even if you feel like your being harsh or too picky, you should be, you deserve to be with someone who treats you better than great. It may seem wierd cause your so used to being treated badly. Make sure he respects you first cause respect is just the minimum, who cares if he loves you or not cause you love yourself and thats all you really need, him lovin you will come in time. You need to get in the mindset that your a strong woman who dont take No BS from no one!

Answer 4

I was in the same situation and my ex was violent because he was on drugs (meth) and we had a son I was worried about. Yes go get your protection order and call the police the first time he violates it, even if its just a phone call. The more he tries to contact you after the order and you call the police, they will put him in jail. Get as far away from him as possible. You can get another good job. And also for some reason people who have been in violent relationships are prone to do it again. We see the signs but we think we can make a difference but we cant. Get your bags and get out before its too late and he hurts you real bad.

Answer 5

Were all here for you and so sorry for what your going through right now.The only thing i can think of at the time is this : are you the kind of person that always let the other person have their way? Do you set any boundaries? Unfortunately people who appear to shy or timid are usually the ones who are abused in my opinion(i have no facts to back this up) At some time in your life your going to have to stand up for yourself if this is the case(and i hope it's not) I'll be praying for you and yours and that you find peace in these troubled times. Good luck to you.

Answer 6

I pray right now for God's protection for your life,now for the next three days I want you to take the time to pray and ask God to send a way of escape for you .Don't say or do any thing that would make him angry and believe the Lord is going to deliver you from this!

Answer 7

maybe u give off a vibe,,that's caring and protective,,,and some guys sees that as weakness

Answer 8

YOU CAN DO IT!!! YOUR A STRONG WOMAN.

Answer 9

Young People Ask . . .

Why Does He Treat Me So Badly?

“Often [my boyfriend] accuses me of things that are really stupid. But emotionally, I’m stuck on him.”—Kathrin.

“Outwardly you didn’t see [any wounds], but inside it hurt so much.”—Andrea, who was slapped by her boyfriend.

IT IS an all-too-common scenario: A young woman dates a young man who seems to be the very picture of charm and courtesy. But slowly he begins to change. Words of affection are replaced by biting sarcasm and belittling criticism. At first, she brushes it all off as clumsy but affectionate teasing. However, things escalate into a recurring pattern of verbal attacks, outbursts of anger, and expressions of deep remorse. Somehow feeling responsible for the misbehavior, the young woman suffers in silence, hoping things will change. But they do not. Her boyfriend now takes to yelling and screaming. During one fit of rage, he even gives her a violent shove! She fears that the next time he will hit her.

Young men and women in romantic relationships characterized by physical or verbal abuse may be subjected to an unrelenting barrage of criticism, hurtful speech, and rage. Are you in such a situation? (See the box “Some Warning Signs.”) If so, you may be so distressed and embarrassed that you simply do not know what to do.

Situations like this are not nearly as uncommon as you might think. Researchers estimate that 1 person in 5 has experienced some form of dating violence. When verbal abuse is factored in as a form of violence, this estimate rises to 4 in 5. Contrary to popular opinion, not all victims are females. According to a British study of dating violence, “almost equal percentages of men and women” reported having victimizing partners.

Why does such misbehavior occur in courtship? What should you do if you find yourself in such a situation?

Getting God’s View

First, you must recognize just how serious such a situation is in God’s eyes. It is true that imperfect people are bound to say and do things that hurt others. (James 3:2) It is also true that even people who love and trust each other will occasionally have disagreements. The apostle Paul and Barnabas, for example, were mature Christians. Yet, on one occasion they had “a sharp burst of anger.” (Acts 15:39) So if you are dating someone, you may experience some tensions from time to time.

Furthermore, it would be unrealistic to expect that your boyfriend will never utter a critical word. After all, you are contemplating marrying each other. And if he is disturbed by some trait or habit of yours, wouldn’t it be loving for him to talk to you about it? True, criticism is painful. (Hebrews 12:11) But if it is motivated by and given in love, it is not a form of abusive speech.—Proverbs 27:6.

It is another thing entirely, though, to engage in yelling, slapping, punching, or reviling. The Bible condemns “wrath, anger, badness, abusive speech.” (Colossians 3:8) Jehovah is outraged when someone uses “power” to humiliate, intimidate, or oppress others. (Ecclesiastes 4:1; 8:9) In fact, God’s Word commands husbands “to be loving their wives as their own bodies . . . , for no man ever hated his own flesh; but he feeds and cherishes it.” (Ephesians 5:28, 29) A man who speaks abusively to or mistreats the woman he is courting shows himself unfit to be a marriage mate. At the same time, he arouses the displeasure of Jehovah God himself!

It’s Not Your Fault!

Yet, abusers often blame their victims. So perhaps you sometimes feel it is your fault that your boyfriend becomes so angry. But his anger may have little or nothing to do with you. Often abusive men have been raised in households where the use of violence or abusive speech was considered normal. In some lands young men are influenced by the prevailing culture in which men are expected to be dominant. Peers can also put pressure on a young man to be macho. Lacking self-confidence, he might feel threatened by just about anything that you say or do.

Whatever the situation, you are not responsible for another person’s outbursts. Abusive speech and violence are never justified.

Changing Your Thinking

Even so, your own view of matters may need to be adjusted. How so? Well, if a girl has been raised in an atmosphere of violence and injurious talk herself, abusive behavior might seem normal to her. Instead of recoiling at such unchristian conduct, she might tolerate it—perhaps even find it attractive. Yes, some victims of mistreatment admit that they are bored with men who are too nice. Other young women suffer from the illusion that they can change their boyfriend.

If any of this is true of you, you need to “be transformed by making your mind over” in this regard. (Romans 12:2) By prayer, study, and meditation, you need to take Jehovah’s view of the abusive conduct to heart and see it as repulsive. You need to grasp that you do not deserve to be mistreated. Cultivating modesty—a sense of your limitations—can help you to realize that you do not have the ability to change an angry boyfriend. It is his responsibility to change!—Galatians 6:5.

In some cases young women endure mistreatment because of a low sense of self-worth. Says Kathrin, mentioned at the outset, “I cannot imagine life without him, and I cannot imagine getting someone better.” A young woman named Helga similarly said of her boyfriend, “I let him beat me because it’s still better than not being noticed at all.”

Do such viewpoints sound like a good foundation for a healthy relationship? After all, can you really love someone if you cannot even love yourself? (Matthew 19:19) Work on developing healthy self-respect. Enduring mistreatment will not help you to do that. As a young woman named Irena knows from experience, enduring abuse can “rob you of all your self-esteem.”

Facing the Truth

It may be hard for some to admit that they are in an unhealthy relationship—especially if strong romantic feelings have developed. But do not shut your eyes to the truth. A Bible proverb says: “Shrewd is the one that has seen the calamity and proceeds to conceal himself, but the inexperienced have passed along and must suffer the penalty.” (Proverbs 22:3) A young woman named Hanna recalls, “When you fall in love with the guy, you are as good as blind, and you see only his positive qualities.” However, if you are being mistreated, it is important that you see him for who he really is. And if your boyfriend makes you feel threatened or demeaned, something is seriously wrong. Do not try to deny your feelings, excuse him, or blame yourself. Experience shows that left unchecked, abusive treatment will only escalate. Your well-being could be seriously endangered!

Of course, it would be best not to get involved with someone lacking self-control. (Proverbs 22:24) So if someone you do not know well wants to date you, it is a good idea to find out something about him. Why not suggest that you first associate with each other in a group setting? This can allow you to get to know him without getting romantically involved too quickly. Ask meaningful questions, such as: Who are his friends? What type of music, films, computer games, and sports does he like? Does his conversation indicate an interest in spiritual things? Talk to people who know him, such as his local congregation elders. They will let you know if he is “well reported on” by others because of his mature and godly conduct.—Acts 16:2.


Some Warning Signs

▪ He often makes demeaning remarks about you, your family, or your friends, either when you are alone or when you are with others

▪ He usually ignores your wishes or feelings

▪ He tries to control every aspect of your life, insisting on knowing your whereabouts at all times and making all decisions for you

▪ He yells at you, pushes or shoves you, or threatens you

▪ He tries to talk you into making inappropriate expressions of affection

▪ You can hardly do anything without worrying whether it might in some way irritate himj