Do you think my husband is cheating?

Question

Well where do I begin? I have been married for more than 15 years my husband and I have 4 kids. Things have been rough for the past year, financial, sexually, communication---everything! I was curious because he was styaing out late a couple of times, so I checked his phone and found the code to his voice mail. From which I heard three messages from the same female. the messages were vague- "I guess we are playing phone tag"- "it' just me calling"- and "I called". that was the content of the messages. So when I questioned him he adamently denied cheating- He has stayed out of the house numerous times after 3 or 4 in the morning. Just recently he left the house at about 8pm and didn't come back until the next morning at about 8, his excuse was I got stranded and didn't have a way home. And no he didn't answer his cell phone when I called only once may I add. My gut tells me that he is cheating but my heart wishes that he is telling the truth. What so you think?

Answer 1

I would have to agree with most everyone else and say that if he hasn't actually cheated yet, he is on his way. What may help you is to realize that most men do not cheat because they are unhappy with their wife, they cheat because they are unhappy with what they see in the mirror. When a woman gets into a depressing slump and needs to feel good about herself, she gets a new hairdo, buy new clothes, rearranges the furniture. So often a man's self-esteem is tied into his job and his virility. That often means a new woman. As women we absolutely do not understand how a man can cheat and not understand that he is endangering the survival of his family. Some men just can't see how one has anything to do with the other because there is little to no emotional tie between sex and love for a man. All he knows is that she see's him like you use to before you got to know him so well. Which also means that she doesn't really know him. He is looking for an escape from the stresses and pressures of his daily life. It really isn't that different from when a wife has an exciting affair with some man that seems so attentive while the husband is so engrossed in his work that he barely notices his wife is alive. Children and a running a house hold often leave little time to pay any attention to the husband and his need for attention. You have a home and children to protect.
If you want him back home you will have to do some fast work.
There is no guarantee in life, so you will have to decide what you really want to accomplish, and what you are willing and able to do. There is a book that might help you to understand the importance of grown-up time between married couples called "Light His Fire" by Ellen Kreiderman or something close to that. You should be able to find it at a used book store as it is out of print. Great resource to recharge your batteries. You need to change the daily routine around your house. Suck it up, get a backbone and prepare to fight! Think of what another woman has to offer? Is she dressed nice, and sexy when he goes to see her? Is she wearing cologne? Is her house clean, orderly and quiet? Does she burden him with her day or does she sit and listen to how his day was? He is a man, not a money making
machine only. All another woman is doing is reminding him that he has value as a person, as a man. She cares about his dreams, his goals, blah blah blah. Do you get the picture? Dating is always fun and exciting. It is daily life that grinds us into the ground. Take time to find the man that you married and you
just might find the girl that he married. Do you remember who you are? Have you lost your identity in becoming wife and
mommy? When was the last time you thought about your goals,
your dreams? If you lose yourself and become a mommy robot
then where is the woman he fell in love with and married? Is she
gone? Remember, he loved you enough to marry you, make a
home for you and have children with you. Find that woman and odds are no other woman will have a chance to steal him. Fight for him, don't give him away. Fight for yourself, and fight for your
children. They need a father, their father. If he is straying don't
sit around and whine and wonder. Create an environment that he wants to come home to. Make sure that he feels special and appreciated when he comes home. At the same time, don't be stupid. Start checking the financial accounts and watching the money. Some men stray, some men are strays..dogs. Get copies of the last few years tax returns. You will need this if you
are forced to file for a divorce. And for goodness sakes, value yourself. Do not be a doormat!! If it looks like it is going to end in divorce get a lawyer and get one that at least appears to be a man eater. My mom scared the piss out of my father when he strayed. He never thought that she'd get a lawyer, copies of all
his financial papers, and go after him. That other woman was
gone so fast she didn't know what hit her! That is one man who
has towed the line since. You can protect your family and your
marriage without giving up your power. Find it, and harness it!!
Woman is the strongest creature created both mentally and
emotionally. You notice God stopped after he created woman.
She was his final masterpiece!

Answer 2

I always say follow your first insticnt whic is that he is cheating and if he is so be it, i heard this saying that goes like this" Dont hate the game hate the player" and it is very true, you know if he is cheating he is wrong if yall have been married that long i would think that he could be honest with you and just that he wants he outs, but to be better and stronger than him , and since all the doubts and he comoing home late , which is not good for you or the kids i would ask him to leave for a while and just see where the road leads you. Women are alot stronger now then you might feel ot think, but let him that coming home at 8:00Am in the morning is not gonna hppen in your home, make it better for you and you the kids, yall dont need the drama he is gonna bring into your family so nip it in the bud now, you have the power to do so, dont be scared standup for yuou and your kids, let him go freely, tell him that you and him need time away from another , and then you will see weather he truely loves you and his family or he really is miserable and is doing yall a favor by not coming back, the thing is this though, if you do seperatte will you wanna take him back if you know that he messing around on you and he says he changed, i hope not and the reason i am saying that is becuase mnost women do they take husbands back, but remeber the feeling you have right this minute in your gut, that feeling never goes away no matter how hard you try to push it out, do what is best for you and the kids, put him out and let him go into another women home and come home at 8:00 am that is not gonna fly in any serious relationship, who would put up with me, no women that wants a real true man, and if he is cheating, the women he cheating with must not have any brains becuase all he doing is coming back to his family after he is done with her, i wouldnt wanna be 2 nd best to anyone and neither should you, for that being said, ask him to leave before the matters get way out of hand and hurts the family even more, espeically with kids, if they think there father is cheating on there mother they will hate him and even though he might be cheating his kids will always need a father they can trust and be there for them, let him, i promise you this after a few months he will want you back, but that is when you will have to say either sorry buddy you have your fun along or all the long he has done like cheating or slepping arouns and then you will know, good luck i wish you the best

Answer 3

You need to decide for yourself, but from your description, he's most likely cheating.

Most guys are also aware of when their wives are unsettled and would take steps to alleviate their worries. He should be able to provide better and more logical details of where he's been, than what you've mentioned here.

The phone messages do not seem business related. Even professional friends (i.e., people who work together) provide more detail in their messages; the messages sound specifically as if the caller was trying to avoid adding incriminating detail.

And seriously, unless he has a third-shift job or on-the-road job, there is no good excuse for a man with a wife and four kids to stay out until 3-4am on numerous occasions. It fits the lifestyle of a cheater, not of a married middle-aged man. His lack of good excuses and/or his logically thin excuses simply confirm it.

[For example, his excuse about being stranded: Do you know what the average, normal husband does when his car doesn't work? Or he needs a ride? He calls his wife. It's almost a reflex. He calls her to tell her where he is, what's going on, and why he will be late, so she won't worry -- even if he knows she won't be able to help.]

But I'm speaking from some experience as well, not just conjecture. Your anecdote sounds much like the marriage of friends of ours a few years back, where the one spouse was following the exact same pattern of behavior.

I said, "they're cheating" -- the behavior didn't make sense in any other context, and I've had enough experience with people who passively lie and "avoid" telling all the truth -- while the spouse and others wanted to believe the story.

Eventually it became clear the spouse was having an affair, and soon left the marriage, and they got a divorce.

I know your heart wishes he was telling the truth. Your marriage and family is very important to you; and not only is your husband threatening all that, but he's lying about it to boot. It leaves one feeling very alone, along with trying to keep your kids intact and healthy.

But if I had to bet, I would have to assume he is lying and proceed from there. (Sigh.)

You will have to make some hard decisions. If you are involved with a church or can consult with a marriage counselor, you can share more of your story with them and get some detailed options of what you might do to save your marriage (if possible) or at least help you and the kids to make it through this terrible mess.

If you have a good friend you can confide in, who will just listen and help you stay on course, that will help as well.

Answer 4

I hate to say it but you could be right, I love to say it but you could be wrong - He has no right staying out all night and not coming home! This must end! No wonder you think he is cheating, he has brought it on himself and now he'll have to deal with it. The true thing here is that there is no proof! Why would this women be calling his phone? For work or is it his sister or you know what I'm trying to say, really maybe that it is nothing.

If you want to know the truth and if you are ready to know the truth then ask your higher power to show you truth and it will all just unflod naturally and truth will be shown....

Try not to let him know but watch him closer! Follow him if you can and want to, do some checking into, now that he knows that you have suspicion he'll be more careful if he is up to something. So say nothing watch from the shadows and be strong! Also just come right out and demand he end this behavior and the realtionship if he is in one or else! Tell him "if you're cheating on me put an end to it now and I trust that you will it. Our marriage is already in danger and if you give me reason to distrust you anylonger I can't promise that I won't walk out on our marriage." You never leave though you'll pack his stuff and out he'll be, you need to be there for the kids sake! but say something like this and just see what happens, mean while don't forget to ask for truth to reveal itself to you when you are sure you are ready. Good luck!

Answer 5

Either emotionaly or physically I think your husband is cheating or at least toying with the idea. When I was cheating on my husband those were the same excuses i used( i was stranded, my phone died, i had to work late...) Before you throw in the towel is your marriage worth saving? What is missing in your realationship that he seeks from someone else? Instead of accusing him of cheating(at least until you have proof) ask him how he thinks your marriage could be improved. Best of luck to you its a bumpy road but personally I'm glad I gave my marriage another chance

Answer 6

YOU ALREADY KNOW!! you said it yourself you have the proof right in your hands.You cannot commit yourself to this anylonger.Yes he is CHEATING! No married man has a reason for staying out all night long his time is supposed to be with his family.You need to tell him if his time is not with you and the kids he needs to go where he came from the night before because it will start to affect the kids and they will start asking questions the stress he is giving now will move to the kids next.

Answer 7

I have found the louder and more adamantly they deny, the more they are lying. It sounds to me like he is cheating, I'm afraid. He has a strange woman calling him, he has opportunity because he's not home, I'm sorry. You need to have a heart to heart with him, sit down and ask him what it is he wants from your marriage. Tell him honestly that with everything that's going on, you feel you're being betrayed and you want your husband back.

Answer 8

I will go with the old adage, "Innocent , until proven guilty". With no more proof than you have now, if you leave, or file for divorce, you could be making a big mistake. Talk to him again, and demand that he come clean with the truth. Once you know the truth, proceed from there. It is usually not bad as you think. Good Luck......I hope your heart gets it's wish!

Answer 9

The only reason a man doesn't come home at night is because he is in fact cheating. Of course he’s going to deny it. All men are scum bags and liars. Who is this random skank calling your man? Get the number and call her back and find out who she is. I swear to god sometimes/most of the time I think we are just better off without men all they do is lie and cheat. Look into divorce, I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Answer 10

my friend my husband did the same and yes he was cheating ,he would tell me he pulled off on the side of the road and slept instead of coming home .he started buying his own clothes and cologne changed ,and he would not answer my calls until later ,he cheated after 10 years together .I knew in my gut he was cheating I had planned a trip to his work to park and watch he was going with a employee of his and she said she was with child this riped my heart open .it went on for over a year and he still said he loved me ever day ,even when he was with her .If you see a big change in him then yes he is up to something .follow him and you will see .dont let him know act cool the day you plan to follow him .good luck from one broken heart to another