Divorce question......?

Question

Does the divorcer(the one who leaves or files for divorce) hurt just as bad as the one who was left there?

What did you do to get through it?
How long before you could say, wow, I did the right thing?

Yes, I am the one leaving. I am tired of the abuse and drugs. I am tired of supporting us and he is blowing all his $$$ on drugs and friends. We have tried counseling several times. We have no kids.

Answer 1

Well you gave a pretty good answer to my question, I was the question with the "dead beat fiance". Well, not like I'm in any place to say anything to anyone but I'm going to say you will end up hurting more simply because you are the one who has your sh** together and works everyday and uses your brain. It will take longer for it to sink in for him, especially since he's doing drugs. You can say to yourself now that you are doing the right thing even though your heart is literally breaking and you feel like you want to die from the pain, ending this is the best thing you can do. Mine's a drunk, I feel your pain but you cant go on living this way, feeling sick and crying everyday, you will feel better about it in the long run. At least you will be freeing yourself from a horrible situation that is causing you constant pain. Good luck to you.

Answer 2

First of all, to the person who answered first, the Bible itself does not say divorce is wrong. Several religions do discourage it, or forbid it, though.
Anyway, making a decision to end a relationship is sometimes just as hard as being the one to receive that news. You second guess yourself, and worry that you are not making the right decision. You're going through all the "what if" scenarios and driving yourself crazy.
The grieving process, and that's what it is, is different for everyone. I can't even say, the longer a relationship, the longer the grieving. There's no hard and fast rule about it. But facing it, and dealing with it, will help the process along in a healthy way. Holding onto any bitterness or spite, or sinking down to someone else's vindictiveness won't help either.
Easier said than done, of course. Talking to someone, or seeking a little counselling, is not a bad thing. Look at it as a compass to keep yourself on course

Answer 3

it hurts no matter who does what! The one who didn't file is usually more pi**ed off at first. It took a long time to get over everything, after all, this is who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with! I knew right away it was the right thing to do, but it didn't make it any easier. It's been 12 years, we talk about once a year and when I get off the phone I am grateful we divorced when we did. I am now happy and remarried with a beautiful child. No matter what, be strong and remember it is YOUR happiness that's at stake! Be happy and good luck!

Answer 4

My friend was the person who started the divorce proceedings and she hurt a lot, because of all her lost dreams. She felt like she was a failure for getting rid of her ex (but then he was abusive). She just began hanging out with her family and doing things that she truly likes to do. She said wow I did the right thing 1 year after he was gone. She found herself and was able to realize what a bad thing she had been going through.

Answer 5

I unfortunetly can only speak from a new experience ..
I am and will be going through a divorce and yes i am hurting as well as my husabadn . making this decision to divorce is never an easy descion and it cabn be quite painful esp when children are involved.

What make its harder is if the couple has been married awhile and they cant not find any real reason they do not "love" each other anymore.

divorce is painful some people just handle there emotions in other ways . good luck

Answer 6

I think usually the one who files is over the situation by the time they do file that it doesn't hurt as much. In the case of my brother, he filed and was fine when he filed but a couple of months after filing he wondered if he did the right thing.


This part is more for Pronk.... The Bible does not say ALL divorce is wrong. Divorcing due to Adultry is acceptable in the Bible.

Answer 7

I think it's the same for both perhaps, depends on the person. Dad gummit, your questions brings back memories of those feelings of depression!! It was just very tough to get out of bed in the morning. The realization that it was the right thing to do never left me but it was a horrible process. Can't say how long because it was gradual healing. Divorce recovery groups helped tremendously as did a small peer group of, in my case, guys.

Answer 8

I filed and divorced him. The divorce was final almost a year ago and I do not think the pain will ever go away. He straightened up and has his act and life together, now. I don't think we can ever put it back together. He got over me leaving and moved on. It is harder on me because I really wanted things to be different, I just didn't believe he would get it together.

Answer 9

a lot depends on how long you were married and how bad he hurt you...i was married 23 years and that was not easy to divorce him...even though he was so abusive...but i knew it was over...there was nothing sacred left in that marriage...there just comes a time when enough is enough...and i would of ended it years before if i did not have sons...but now i think i should of ended it way before i did....you just have to keep your mind set on what you need to do....and keep yourself busy with anything you can... time does heal...but the times is different in about all cases....and it may be awhile before you can say happily i did the right thing...cause that was your life once and you married him for a reason at one time....so i still look back and wander what happened to the love i really felt for this man...what happened to him to make him hurt me so much.....but it does no good to think like that...just go on and make a new life for yourself and learn from your experience....

Answer 10

I happen to be the divorcer in my last marriage and although I was the one who wanted out, in the end, on court day, I cried because it did hurt. I guess you look at that person that you have spent so many years with, shared your life, your feelings, your secrets, your hurts, your happiness and in my case, children with, so it does hurt to let it all go even if the husband/wife love isn't there anymore. Just remember, time heals all wounds and broken hearts do heal.......it takes awhile, but hang in there. Good luck