Engaged to a dead beat?

Question

I was dating my fiance for 3 years when he finally proposed back in December. He's good in the sense that I can trust him not to cheat but he also hasn't had a job for over a year now and goes to a bar every single night (without fail). I'm pretty sure he's just going there to drink, it's a dive hole in the wall but he's 38 years old and very irrisponsible, he always says he's going to stop going there and that nothing is going on but he also still hasn't tried to get a job or help me in any way financially with the wedding plans. He also lets his one friend talk to me like I'm complete crap and still continues to hang out with this guy all the time. I know he loves me but is it me, or could I be making a huge mistake? any insight? my heart is breaking and I just dont know what to do anymore.

I'd just like to add that I'm 28 and not to be conceited cause I'm not but I'm a good looking girl, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm not fat, I'm toned, good skin so I'm not ugly or desperate just hurting!

Answer 1

Ok, you asked so I'm answering :) I had a boyfriend JUST like that. Irresponsible, at the bars too much, MOOCHED off me! But he was SOO sweet and knew how to grovel when I was upset with him. This gets OLD hon! Seems to me since you're asking the question, you already know! Its not easy, because when you're away from them you only remember the good. What I did after I broke up with him the last time (I kept taking him back) I wrote out a list of reasons that he wasn't right for me and every time I'd start to miss him, I'd read that list....I didn't take him back and I met the most amazing man on the planet a year later and he's the best thing that's ever happened to me! I'd never had met him if I was still with my ex-loser! :) You have to understand that you deserve to have a healthy equal partnership! Don't sell yourself short and settle. Best wishes girlfriend! I feel your pain....honestly!

Answer 2

I would think real long and real hard before you walk down the aisle.Marriage is not going to change him things will stay the same if not get worse.He is almost 40 and has no goal in life, is irresponsible, has no ambition and on top of that sounds like he has a drinking problem and lets his friends trash you.That dosent sound like good marriage material too me.If you want to marry a dead beat that dosent really offer you much.Where you have all the financial burden and have to deal with a drunk then go ahead.But since you are asking this question obviously you have doubts and if you have doubts DO NOT go through with it.Tell him how you feel and let him know that you will only marry him when he grows up and acts like a man and starts taking responsibilty of his life.And has more ambition then running to the bar every night.Good luck sweetie.

Answer 3

Isn't the answer obvious? You called it correctly..."engaged to a dead beat." Why are you still with this man and are continuing to support him? He has no job, he's at a bar every night and worsely his friend(s) does not respect you. Are there any obvious signs that he's trying to find work? You need to put your foot down! My boyfriend has been unemployed for the most part of this year. Do you think I have been nice to him about it, even when I'm paying all the bills and trying to take care of our 9 month old daughter? I sat him down and had a talk with him. I gave him the hint that if I didn't see any improvements in him trying to find a job, he would have to leave or we would have to end the relationship. Within the next few days, employers started contacting him requesting an interview. He knew I meant business, so he started taking me seriously. I can do bad by myself. I have been with him for about 2-3 years and I love him deeply, but there is no way I will continue to keep taking care of a grown man. I don't like any of his friends either because they also have no jobs. I expressed to him that since he was not working (and neither are his friends), that they are no longer welcomed in my home. I am the only one making an honest, decent living so there is no way I'm supporting a bunch of "dead-beats". Sweetie, you really need to lay some ground rules. Otherwise, he will continue to use and take advantage of you.

Answer 4

You already know the answer to this question, otherwise you wouldn't be here asking it. Sit with him and tell him exactly how you are feeling. This needs to be done before you go on with the marriage. You need to see positive changes now, not after you are married. Do not marry this guy until he starts looking for work. For goodness sakes, if he likes the bar so much, why doesn't he apply for a job there. Where is he getting the money to drink every day? Do you want a husband that likes to drink everyday? Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't put his friend in his place when he speaks to you disrespectfully. You need to ask yourself what would life be like to this man in the future? It is better to break it off now then to have to deal with divorce in the future if he doesn't make an effort to change. What is it that attracts you to him? Please do not settle. You probably deserve a lot better than this, regardless of how nice he may be. Don't rush this wedding.

Answer 5

If he is not holding a job or financially responsible, you do not want to get married to him. Give him back his ring and let him know that you know he would not cheat on you but you need a man not a boy who cannot hold a job or pay his bills. You need to then get involved in activites that you enjoy and when you have found yourself you will be ready to meet a man who will love you and cherish for the rest of your life. But this is not the man. A true man would get a job and keep a job (and if he lost his job because of lay offs would go out and get another), he would not allow his friends to talk down to you, he would respect you and expect his friends to respect you also. So pass on this mistake and get back into living.

Answer 6

This is a sticky one to answer because there are always two sides of a story and he is not on here to defend himself but here it goes.

Firstly..Sometimes people will not realize that they are living a pattern that is not only non-conducive for a successful life but also a successful relationship. Most people will also not expect to change once they are in a committed relationship, but they couldn't be more wrong. True you fell in love with this man and knew that he had a dink for a friend and that he enjoyed a few down at the local, but he needs to grow and fit into the relationship somewhere, seems like he's still sitting on the sidelines still waiting for something to happen.

Secondly...IT IS NOT YOU!!! Yes you probably have faults, I know I do, I know my best friend does, so does my partner, we can't change these little things that are deep inbedded within us. I can't go to sleep with dirty dishes in the sink and I snore, my partner doesn't notice when the dish rag needs changing and doesn't mind a little dust, my best friend is a bit of a drama queen...but those are the things we love about eachother. It's those little things that make me me, him him and her her, does it mean we can't live our lives around eachother? No. If lets say, my man said he was going out clubbing with his buddies tonight I would say 'Have fun!'. If he said tomorrow night he was going clubbing I would say 'Again?'. If the next night he said he was gong clubbing I would say 'We need to talk.' You have to let him know that his behaviour is not just effected him it's effecting you, and you can't be around someone or have someone in your life who doesn't want to stay home and plan the most important day that celebrates your lives together.

Thirdly...Tell him flat out you don't like his friend and you don't want him to talk to you like that anymore. If he does nothing tell him you don't want to see that friend anymore at all. If he doesn't maybe it is time to look for someone who appreciates you and all of your time and energy, because life should be spent with someone who respects you and you respect in return.

I'm not a doctor or anything but my parents were married for over thirty years before they divorced...bottom line they weren't best friends and they never truly loved one another, so when the kids left the nest there was nothing to hold them together. Don't regret your life choices...but don't feel like you have to second guess them either.

Good luck.

Answer 7

Don't tie your financial life to a man as irresponsible as him. You can stay with him if you want to continue like you are but I would call off the wedding, give him back his ring and tell him that until he can prove that he's going to contribute to whatever household you are going to share that you wont tie yourself to him. Once your finances are intertwined you could be in for some real trouble. And what if you were to have a child together? Are you expected to support him and a child on your income? Ask him to get a job and hold it for a year and then pop the question to you again.

Answer 8

I believe you already know the answer to this you are just looking for reassurance that getting yourself out of this NOW is the best thing. You only live once and you'd be better off not wasting anymore of that precious time on him. Wedding plans???? You are nuts to move forward with it. He isn't helping now and he is not going to help later. Kids? you'll be raising them alone. You are his ticket to a FREE RIDE. WHere does the money come from to drink at this bar he goes to? You? If you aren't giving it to him directly you are helping him do it by paying everything else yourself.

Answer 9

Let him no this cannot continue, or he will lose u, not temporally but 4 good. Ask him how much he Loves u? If it is enough the should low down. Also encourage him 2 seek help cos he may have a problem!!! Wis u all da best.

Answer 10

If you marry him like the way he is now, he will never have any ambition to change. Later down the road, when u ask him to stop, he will say something like "But you fell in love with me, I was always like this". Postpone the wedding, tell him you need time to see he will be a good husband and provider, tell him you don't want to worry about finances if something comes up and u can't work.

Maybe he will change, maybe he won't. But postponing the wedding might be the wake-up call he needs.