Is a broken engagement the end of the world?

Question

I just broke my engagement with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. I love him deeply, but he is severely depressed, chronically unemployed and no matter how hard I try, I can't fix all of his problems. We are constantly fighting and our sex life is non-existant because he's so depressed. It feels like the end of the world though because I feel like I am abandoning him and all of my dreams of my life with him are gone now. This sounds stupid, but please send me some reassurence that I made the right decision. Maybe some of you have been in my position.

Answer 1

I am in your posistion right now with my husband of 5 yearswho suffered an accustic shock injury to which one of the symptoms is major depression ( he has his good and bad days BUT has been out of work almost 3 months ) and would like to ask you ..What was he doing when this depression hit ? Is he being seen by a medical doctor ?
Is he being seen by a counsler ? Have you talked with that counsler about his symptoms and the effect it was having on you
Did you talk with the counsler about your leaving and the effect that would have on him so his doctor could be aware of it ?
Is he on any sort of medication that could be causing the outbursts ?

People who suffer from severe depression have been known to hmmm off themselves for less then the trauma of a loved one moving out

They put my husband on a certain anti depressant here that I swear brought out his evil twin and BOY was that a fun time NOT !!!

I have even been to his doctor myself to learn HOW to deal with that twin that pops out ... and just what depression is

Of course he is unemployed who would hire a depressed person ? His doctor really needs to be told this if he has NOT seen a doctor for this then you as the woman who wanted so much to be his wife have failed in your loving duties .... remember it is for better or worse

Now you need to make a phone call to see if he is ok .. you sound like you still love him .. I am sorry to give you such a harsh wake up call but I am NOT going to tell you what you did is right ...

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The most important thing anyone can do for the depressed person is to help him or her get an appropriate diagnosis and treatment for depression. This may involve encouraging the individual to stay with treatment until the symptoms of depression begin to abate (several weeks), or to seek different treatment if no improvement occurs.

http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/depression/related/support_2.asp

On occasion, it may require making an appointment and accompanying the depressed person to the doctor. It may also mean monitoring whether the depressed person is taking medication. The depressed person should be encouraged to obey the doctor's orders about the use of alcoholic products while on medication.

The second most important thing is to offer emotional support. This involves understanding, patience, affection, and encouragement. Engage the depressed person in conversation and listen carefully. Do not disparage feelings expressed, but point out realities and offer hope. Do not ignore remarks about suicide. Report them to the depressed person's therapist. Invite the depressed person for walks, outings, to the movies, and other activities. Be gently insistent if your invitation is refused. Encourage participation in some activities that once gave pleasure, such as hobbies, sports, religious or cultural activities, but do not push the depressed person to undertake too much too soon. The depressed person needs diversion and company, but too many demands can increase feelings of failure.

Do not accuse the depressed person of faking illness or of laziness, or expect him or her "to snap out of it." Eventually, with treatment, most depressed people do get better. Keep that in mind, and keep reassuring the depressed person that, with time and help, he or she will feel better.

Answer 2

Definitely not the end of the world. He's obviously not ready for the commitment of marriage anyway.

Breaking an engagement doesn't mean you can't ever see him again either. Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they can realize what parts of life are important to them.

Give him some time away from you, and if he changes his life for you, perhaps you can look into it later. Don't break off all hope and that way you can move on without feeling like you're destroying something beautiful.

You made the right choice. Breaking a 2.5 year relationship was the hardest thing I've had to do in my life, and she was completely psychotic. I didn't see things until I took a step backwards. This may or may not happen to you, but you have nothing to lose. Just enjoy life and let whatever you know you want, happen.

Best of luck. I promise it will feel better in time. Whatever you do, don't get back together for at least a few months. You owe yourself that, so that the awkwardness of his absence will wear off and you can think straight again and make your decision then!

Answer 3

I'm about to cry because I'm in the exact same position minus the sex problems. The guy is 38 okay, all he does is not work and go to a bar every single night and ignores my calls. We fight about it all the time, he and his friends treat me like garbadge but I'm stupid and always feel bad for him because he's depressed cause he's not working. I actually just broke off my engagement last night. It hurts and I'm sitting at work with a lump in my throat choking back tears but the decision is right. I've been working my *** off trying to pay for this wedding while he does nothing. If the guys acts like a loser now he will not change, it doesnt matter how old he is and self pity is a dangerous thing. You did the right thing. I know exactly the pain you are feeling and that is causing your self doubt. Starting over is a sucky thing, especially at 29! but it's not worth the heartache and pain staying with him will cause you in the long run. You did the right thing and it's going to take a long time to move on and make the pain go away but you were right in your decision. Both of you will be better off in the long run, maybe now he will get his sh** together since he's lost you and if he doesnt then you can pat yourself on the back when you see he's still the same old, procrastinating liar. Best of luck to you, remember, you dont need a man/relationship to be happy. I think sometimes it's more of a headache than anything else. Be happy with your friends and life and one day everything will fall into place.

Answer 4

You want reassurance, so I'm going to focus on facts you presented and not the feelings, okay?

You should not feel guilty for breaking off with someone who was not going to be a provider, who was not going to seek help for his depression, who only wanted you to be there like a fixture in his life instead of a mate. You no longer have to worry you will marry someone who will have children with you and not provide with his own money the care for them. You no longer have to anticipate days on end where he might accuse you of being in love with someone else just coz he's depressed and it makes him insecure when you're trying to behave like an undepressed person and like wear nice clothes and hair and stuff, have a job and education. (Not kidding, depressed married guys can be big paranoid JERKS.)

Your dreams of what may have been are over with him, but think what a wide open expanse you have ahead of you. You can do about anything you want to without criticism or being held back. You've got so much room to breathe now...this is the beginning of a new chapter of your life...so do a good job writing it. Don't be like the woman in the book who goes back. Nothing good ever happens to that woman, eh?

Hope this wasn't too over the top. Just want you to know it's the beginning of new things...new dreams. Good luck.

Answer 5

You made the right decision.

If you're already having problems with your sex life, constant fighting and financial problems, think of how much worse these things seem *after* you're married.

Marriage is hard enough when all things are 'perfect'. During a marriage, problems will always occur now and then that you'll need to work through together - but starting with so many of them won't give you a fair chance at a good future.

Answer 6

no its not the end of the world. Honey I understand what your going through. And I think you should move on although he will try the guilt thing when you do. He'll only get "more depressed" He should seek professional help and you need to move on...life is too short. Hopefully he gets better but in the mean time...you made the right decision. Good luck.

Answer 7

Its great that you can recognize it before you committed your life to a marriage. NO you can't fix him, you can support him by being a freind. It sounds like he may need some kind of professional help, depression is treatable and its not the end of the world, but if you guys don't deal with this problem it will just get more ugly. If you were married to him a marriage is a commitment for life for good and bad. My suggestion is if he is not being abusive and you trully love him be a freind before a wife, if he refuses any kind of help well you know whats good for you. I just wanted to let you know that unemployment is part of the problem-depression can be a cause of it. He really needs to get down to the root of his depression. Been there depression is a symptom of whats really happening deep inside of us-medication treats the symptom(depression)but it may not treat the root of the problem-he may need to see a professional doctor/therapist/spiritual leader, but for yourself hang in there the decision is really his. Hope I can help you

Answer 8

You have no idea how right of a decision you made!!! Just picture yourself, 2 short years from now with two hungry children, one on the way, in a cockroach filled trailer with no running water or electricity. Your husband keeps telling you every day that he is looking for work. You stand in long lines for non-perishable, government assistant food that you have to ration. Sometimes the food disappears because your husband eats it, leaving you and the children to fend for yourself. You have to go to a local filling station to use the bathroom and clean up yourself and your children for lack of running water. I could go on but you can probably see the big picture and cycle by now. We could add drugs, prostitution and robbery to the mix. Your former boyfriend is showing you what he is about now and it would only get worse in the future. You are not abandoning him. He probably had those problems long before you met him but failed to tell you about them. Now you see for yourself before you make a big mistake. Be proud of yourself for wanting more out of life. Actions speak louder than words and you were the witness!!!

Answer 9

No it is not the end of the world, it happens every day. There are times when one refuses to help themselves that we must move on. You are appearently young and should have a long life ahead of you, so there is no need for you to spend it in an unfulfilling relationship.

Time will ease the pain that you feel and someone else will eventually fill the emptiness.

Good luck !

Answer 10

You did make the right decision even though it was a tough one. It's unfortunate when one life falls into despair, and even worse when it's two because someone else is pulled down with that individual.

The choice you made was for your own survival. That isn't an act of selfishness, but an act of self-preservation. There's only so much you can do to help someone. After that, they need to help themselves.

Even if he tries to resent you or express unhappiness over your decision, you were taking care of your own needs. It's possible for someone to be a good individual, but that doesn't excuse when they're being a hazard to themselves and to other people.

His depression and being continuously unemployed are telltale signs that he has issues that he needs to deal with. It sounds to me that you've done what you can and you stuck by him for as long as possible based upon your own needs and the direction you're going in your life.

Although it hurts now, you really do need to take care of yourself and exposing yourself to an individual who is in a negative spiral would only create problems in your life as well.

You should commend yourself for seeing these Signs and having the will power to remove yourself from an emotionally unhealthy situation into it as you were. Some people who are engaged would've tried staying even longer or even going through with the marriage.

Although he may have some redeeming qualities, which is why you came to love him, you have to take into account his chronic depression and how it would affect your future marriage and the type of environment that it would set for your future children.

That depression stemming from him as a parent would put your own future children at risk to developing the same psychological problems. He would be setting a bad example. While you may be distraught over having cut ties, your decision was also a wise move for ensuring the security of a healthy environment in which your future kids will be born into.

If you had stuck by him, you'd have an extremely difficult time during if you had gotten pregnant and try juggling a job to take care of and feed your baby while he's still nursing his own emotional issues. That puts a lot of responsibility and burden on you, which is unhealthy.

There's only so much a person can do. Although this sounds like a detached and business-like way of perceiving relationships, your objective is to locate a suitable mate who complements you and is able to add value and meaning to your life, not cause you more strife.

RIght now, you should be spending time focusing on yourself and orienting you goals on what you hope to achieve. While you can still be friends with your ex, I suggest you keep your distance because people usually tend to be emotionally fragile during a breakup and he may attempt to rekindle his relationship, which would create stress and cause you pain as you try to recuperate from this situation.

That's not to say he can't change and turn his life around. However, if he ever does attempt to make such a proposal, don't run back to him that easily. He has to prove himself by showing you that he has a stable job, has overcome all or most of his depression, and has proven that he can be a provider with something to contribute to the relationship..

If he should approach you and make you feel confused, weigh his wirds by remembering that your own welfare and what kind of future home you want to raise your future children in depends on his mental state, job security, and showing that he has the will power to move forward.

Sadly enough, a lot of people lack the will power to initiate such change. People who get back together again usually end up separating because the same recurring pattern manifests once both people in the relationship settle back into their own routine.

It's possible he could change, but there's a high likelihood that if he ever won you back, he'll just fall back into his old pattern leaving right back where you started.

Hopefully, you will be able to find some constructive activities to keep your mind occupied allowing you to begin the healing process and move on with your life.