How to deal with a needy friend?

Question

One of my good friends has been suffering with depression for some time now. We've been through a lot, and I genuinely care about her and want her to feel better but she doesn't seem to make an effort to change her life. She's 23, she smokes a lot of pot, lives at home with her mother, doesn't have a job or go to school, she's in major debt, and she recently got addicted to coke. She calls constantly and tries to give me guilts whenever I tell her that I'm not interested in hanging out. I've tried to push her into counseling but she screamed at me and told me that I was a selfish *****, who couldn't listen to her friends problems. It's not the case, as I want to help but Im dealing with my own life and am recovering from anorexia. Whenever she calls and I tell her that I'm not interested in drinking my sorrows away at a bar, she then starts going off at me and telling me that this may be the last time we talk, because she's considering suicide. I don't know how to help. Ideas

Answer 1

Perhaps you need to take care of, and protect yourself by telling her you will not see her unless she is in therapy. I know this may cause screaming on her end, but at the end of the day, you need to take care of YOU, or you will not have anything left in you to give to others. It sounds like she is struggling with an eating disorder, substance abuse/addiction, depression as well as Borderline Personality Disorder.

I hope you have a good therapist who is helping you recover. Good for you for working through your anorexia. :) Best of luck.

Answer 2

painful it may be but cut your ties should. you are fighting to keep your health, she's tossing hers away. Only when she is truely ready to change and get off the drugs of her own will; will she need some support. An ache for coke with no way to get it will make people say things they don't mean, you have to decide which to take to heart. Tell you love her and want to be there to help more than anything but she is chosing a path in life that you can't follow. You can be her friend but you won't at the risk of trying to get you hooked. If she wants help she'll get it. If not she has entered a world that is rarely returned from with a happy ending, you are wise for not following, I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I've lost many friends over the years and put them on my list of "wish things could have been different". I'm sure you hate to turn your back on her but follow your instincts hon this one. She will eventually leave you alone, but not b4 she's too far gone, this news will add to her depression and won't help her get better. You should not feel and guilt, your hands are tied. It'll get worse before she gets better.

Answer 3

I think your friend needs serious help. The hard part is getting her to see that she is putting her life in danger. Sometimes you can't do any more than it sounds like you already have and they have to wait until they accept that they have a problem. The hardest part for you is the guilt she dishes out. Maybe you could talk to her mom about it and voice to her your concerns so you can release yourself from the guilt. The other option I can advise, is maybe YOU could see a counselor yourself for more professional advice since it sounds like she has some serious issues. They would probably be able to guide you or give you some names of people/places to talk with to get your friend some help. Good luck! I feel for your situation. PS...Keep up the recovery process for your own issues too!

Answer 4

By even listening to her when she is ranting at you for not being a good enough friend you are rewarding her behavior. Just refuse to have anything to do with her unless she acts like a reasonable human being. That is really not too much to ask. If you continue to support her behavior by sympathizing, you are contributing to the problem. As for her threats of suicide, give her the number of the suicide hotline and get off the phone so she can call them.

Answer 5

Wow..well, what I would do is first is try to talk to her..bring her out somewhere like to dinner or just at home and say, "Look, you're a really great friend and I care about you. I'm concerned about you and I want to make sure you're all right.." she probably won't want to listen to you, but at least try....I would also try to get her parents and other friends together..this girl sounds she needs serious help and if it has to come down with an intervention then so be it. I think now when she wants to talk to her, don't refuse her..hear her out and give her some advice (without souding preachy)..good luck..

Answer 6

davbig2 - this guy has the CORRECT answer.

It's like somebody trying to loose weight, they keep saying they want to, but what will they do about it?

All you can do is support her as best you can. You just gotta (no offence) grow some balls and stand up to her. You have to tell her if she can't talk to you with respect then you can't have anything to do with her anymore. Honest, you'll wear yourself down emotionally.

I hope you can work things out in your life and that this helps give your relationship with her a 'make over' and that you can be happier! :D

Answer 7

You can ask her mother to interfere with her problem. This is not just a girlfriend thing, your friend has oNE BIG PROBLEM that she must settle ASAP. SHE REALLY NEEDS HELP, WHETHER SHE LIKES IT OR NOT.

Tell her you love her and you really do care for her, but she should be stop being so selfish, immature and stubborn. Make your stand. Tell her that if she doesn't chage her ways, then maybe that's about it for your friendship.

Sometimes we have to be strong in order to emphasize our point.

Answer 8

This is a very tough situation for you. If your friend does truly have all of these problems, it is pretty much out of your hands to both handle all of them, and - to be responsible for taking care of them. You can lead a horse to water-? All that you CAN do is to suggest to her the things that you have suggested. You certainly cannot make her do any one of them if she does not want to. As long as you suggest, care, and be there for her when she needs you, you must then realize that you have done your absolute humanly best that you can! The one thing that I want to emphasize to you is NOT to let her guilt-trip you for any of this. It is obviously all or mostly all due to her own circumstances or to her own doings and choices. DO NOT feel guilty yourself for whatever bad may happen to her!!! Don't let her make you feel guilty-!! As long as you have tried your best, been there for her, and have done the very best that you can or could do, there is not one ounce of guilt that you will ever deserve-!! Please remember this-!!

Answer 9

Fair weather friend. If youahve tried to help her get help and she refuses then you may hve to draw the line. Use the tough love approach and tell her that if she doesn't get help for herself then you can no longer be her shoulder to cry on. When she is ready to get help you will be there every step of the way.

Answer 10

Don't let yourself feel guilty. You cannot change her. She must change herself. Only she can make the decision to seek the help she needs. In the meantime, she's using emotional blackmail on you to keep you near. Limit your contact with her and tell her,"I can't help you until you decide to help yourself. Until then, I won't be dragged down by you anymore." It sounds harsh, but if you don't draw a line, she will only continue to use you.