No matter what the topic I am never right, everything revolves aroung his family.I know he loves his family but I need him to realize we are his family now too and we should come first. Instead of spending our first anniversary together doing something special together with our baby he spent the entire day and evening with his family at a get together, i ofcourse was there but he dismissed us like we weren't even there. I am miserable and when ever I try to discuss it he gets mad and tells me I am always yelling at him.
2006-08-28 16:26:18 · 17 answers · asked by Roslyn L 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Uh oh. Tread carefully here. Although you have a right to feel frustrated and hurt, please try not to give him an ultimatum. NO threats. This will only make matters worse and possibly end in divorce.
Are you "discussing" matters with him or yelling, accusing, threatening or blaming?
It's true that he should put his wife and child before his parents now, but a man goes through phases and transitions after marriage. Being married is such a change from being the person/son he was before he got married. He loves his parents. He enjoys being around them. Being married with a new baby brings responsibilities that are hard to get used to. Instead of changing abruptly into the head of household, he still subconsciously holds onto the boyhood that offered no heavy duties.
If you yell at him all the time, is that a pleasant environment to be in? Or do you think that will only make him yearn for his childhood home where he was loved and treated well?
Yelling at a man will not turn him into a good husband. If you're always mad and criticizing him, he will avoid you.
I'm not saying that you don't have a right to feel mad. And it's all too easy to vent your anger and yell. (We all do it.) But I learned from experience that the best way to keep your marriage intact is not to become your husband's adversary. You two should be on the same side!
Instead, try to show him that you understand his feelings. Don't put his parents on one side and you and your daughter on the other side. Go and enjoy his parents' company. Treat them with love and attention the way you treat your own parents or the way you hope your child will treat you in the future.
THEN...make the time spent with just your husband and baby the most warm, loving, wonderful, happy times. Plan some times just for the three of you. If something with his family comes up, don't get mad. Go with the flow. There are many days and hours you can find for yourselves.
When he sees that you are being patient and loving with his parents, his guard will come down. He won't feel as though you're trying to cut them out of his life and he will relax a bit. When he starts enjoying the family times with you and his baby, he will increase those times.
Be patient. It takes a while before a man really comes into his own as a husband and father. One day, it might just click.
Just be careful not to make you and your daughter feel like an obligation or burden. Show him with loving acts that you are joys in his life. You are HIS, all HIS. Once he feels a sense of ownership, he will become a more loving and responsible husband and father.
P.S. While it's true that the Bible says "a man shall leave his father and mother..." it also says that "Thou shalt honor thy father and thy mother." Remember that your child will grow up and treat you the same way she sees you treat your in-laws or parents.
2006-08-28 17:21:56 · answer #1 · answered by hope03 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't move out until you have tried everything else.
1. Sit him down 1 on 1 and quitely tell him how you feel and the effect his behaviour is having. Let him know you are NOT asking him to choose between you, but that you are only asking him to demonstrate that you and the children are the most important thing in his life.
2. If he doesn't respond to this set up a marriage counselling session. Tell him you need him to come to it to discuss the issues you are both having but that if he doesn't come you are still going to go to discuss your options.
3. If you can, enlist the support of his family.
4. As suggested above set aside specific times that are only for you and the kids and let him know why those times have been set aside.
5. Write him a love letter. In the letter write down what you lve about him and why you married him. Then explain what you don't like about him and how that makes you feel. Then explain what you would like to happen in the future. Finish the letter describing your positive feelings for him.
6. Arrange special days out once per week that are just for the 3 of you. Ask him where he would like to go. For example every Saturday in the weekends is "family" day. On that day the 3 of you will be doing something together and so he is not available for other people. That is a regular time each week dedicated only for the 3 of you to be together and have fun as a family.
7. There are other things to try as well. Moving out and other negative actions can create a sprial of negativity so keep those kind of things only as a last resort.
2006-08-29 00:05:35 · answer #2 · answered by Thorburn 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you are a young couple? If so my dear you have a problem...married almost 27 yrs here, so I do have the backing it up to say....you aren't going to change anything that he does not see....him ignoring you at the family get together...if you don't go then they will all needle him 'why isn't___here?', then you become the beoch....My husband didn't see how his mother was treating me till one day we were looking at a video of his 40th birthday.....my daughter pointed it out to him.'look at grandma ignore mom!'...he saw FINALLY, why I never wanted to go to the 'get togethers' and made sure I had to work so to use it as an excuse.....He has a child with you and you are HIS family now ALSO! If he is too clung to that apron string and immature, let him read all the answers you get here, cause' I'll bet you get alot!! Good luck to you, I know it is hard!
2006-08-29 00:04:47 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
well, you know what tuff love is. Well guys don't wake up till it is too late. So what you can do is treat it as if it is too late. You can take drastic moves and move out. Go to your parents house or get your own place and stay for a period of time. don't go back the first time ask you. Though go back after he begs you . Or make plans for him when you know that he is suppose to have time for his parents , Like thanksgiving. make him make the choice.
If he screws up , than look me up:) I need a good woman
2006-08-28 23:32:14 · answer #4 · answered by darknight_is_here 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes you are right: Your husband should put you and your child ahead of his family. He is married to you now. He sounds like a narcissistic, controlling, selfish, insensitive ******. You say that you are miserable and that he "gets mad" when you try to talk to him. I would give strong consideration to divorcing him. If he is doing this this early in your marriage, its only going to get worse.
You and your baby deserve better. God bless you.
2006-08-29 00:42:10 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The bible states in Genesis 2:24 " Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall be one flesh."
I suggest you bring this to yoiur husband's attention as he is in breach of his marriage vows as in his vows he promises to love you above all others! He clearly is not living by this vow. You and your child need to ALWAYS be his first consideration.
You perhaps need some marriage guidance counseling so you can present to your husband, with a mediator your need to be first in his life. He either wants a wife or remain a child who can't be an adult and separate from his parents. He needs to be encouraged to stand by you and be your husband.
Present him with a choice, to remain your husband or go live with his parents. \You teach people how to treat you, so don't tolerate his insensitive behavour, he seems like a spoilt child and it is time for him to grow up!
2006-08-28 23:48:36 · answer #6 · answered by Christine M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since he is so negative towards you, you need to work on getting a positive attitude, stop depending on him for support and get involved in living your life. Avoid his family for awhile. You don't have to go over there. Get some friends and spend time with them. Life is too short to wait around for a few crumbs of love.....)(
2006-08-28 23:34:38 · answer #7 · answered by MissKathleen 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I myself had the same problem. Your husband should put
his priorities in place. You and your child. Gradually spend
less time with his family and ask for his help to start crea-
ting special family moments that he will cherish for years
to come. You can never return to your childs early years.
They grow up so fast!! Good luck.
2006-08-28 23:32:26 · answer #8 · answered by saint5nina 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is a selfish jerk..next time his family gets together tell him that you and the kids are staying home, that way he won't have to purposely ignore you.......Don't give him the chance to treat you like ****...He will get the message
2006-08-28 23:31:00 · answer #9 · answered by Mrs. M 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Chances are you will never change him. You need to look at what you can change about your part in all this. If you are in this situation you only have yourself to blame because you dont have to accept it. Move on you deserve to be number one.
2006-08-28 23:34:15 · answer #10 · answered by meldorhan 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋