What is the best way to move past an affair?

Question

How do you move past an affair in marriage? It is difficult to just forgive and move forward. When a person forgives a debt, that means he or she does not expect payment. Ex. I loaned someone $100, they can not repay--so I forgive the debt. But in marriage, you forgive and then that person(the spouse) wants to immediately borrow that $100 again. How do you forgive a person that has hurt you so deeply and then believe that it will not happen ever again?

Answer 1

If both of you are committed to the marriage and want it to continue then it just takes time and the hurt fades. Will it happen again? If it was painful enough for both parties then no because people want to avoid future pain.

Answer 2

There are thousands of people asking the same question. They have been victims of an affair. The innocent husbands, wives, and children whose lives were ruined by the selfish acts of others.

Forgiving is so hard to do. It is not impossible, but very difficult. You never forget, so don't even try. You just hope the memory of the pain fades with age. Learning to trust again is almost impossible. Once trust has been destroyed like that you can very seldom get it back.

Once in a while a person is willing to take the chance and try to put things back together. It is a challenge to not bring up the affair during an argument. The one who was hurt must humble them self more and accept the other back into the marriage and not mention the affair again. They deserve much better treatment than that.

Answer 3

You just do it. It is only difficult if you make it difficult. If you forgive someone, doesn't mean that you have forgotten it, it means that you have moved on past it. You have to want to forgive your spouse and move onward, with an understanding that you will not tolerate it again. Your spouse has to understand that they are going to have to earn back your trust daily, from the time they wake up to the time they get back in bed. Sometimes, when marriages go throw this, and survive, they can become stronger. But for the most part, if you want to forgive your spouse and move on, you will. If you have not intention to ever forgive and put it behind you, then you are doomed before you even open your mouth.

Answer 4

Well since you have been betrayed you have memory this is something you can never forget and quite frankly can occur again and probably will. I think you need to do some deep soul searching and find out what you truly need and want.
You may be able to forgive but how can anyone forget? I think given the situation you would need space and time to figure out what you want and time to heal. I would make some real ground rules like if you decide to stay that anything happens like that again it's over, no negotiating. I would expect to be treated with honesty and would have to see deep remorse before contemplating staying. If you decide to move forward and stay I would try and resolve any problems you can and try to make things better. You have a right to be heard and your feelings to be considered deeply. It would be unrealistic in my opinion to believe that this could not occur again. The deepest glue in a relationship is trust. I wish you best of luck and happiness!

Answer 5

I can honestly say that many people can often be crumbs until they reach their mid thirtees. They play games like crazy, lie, cheat, etc. Some never change.

It is not easy to forgive a cheater if you are very sensative and get hurt easily. However, iof you are not married, and you are not in a committed relationship, it's not cheating.

Many can not ever get past it, and need to find a dependable person without the baggage.

As some mature, they realize people are dying in their families, their relationships haven't worked, they get sick of the bars, the girls they used to pick up think they are too old, their jobs suck.

Some even make amends to those they had hurt, or else, do some kind of service to feel that they are not just takers. Many then start to consider marriage, if for no other reason than they see themselves losing hair, developing gray and wrinkles, getting fired, feeling unsatisfied at work, etc.

The divorce rate is over 50 percent failure in the USA for first time marriages, over seventy percent failure rate for second time marriages.

You MUST develop yourself to the fullest, define what makes you tick and passionate, and you must become extremely successful in your career. It is only when your career is in full swing and you are really making a greater success of yourself that the right people show up. Bars bring on alcoholic irresponsible jerks. Clubs too. A great dancer and the right lines do not mean love and successful marriages. Do not mix up great sex with love either. They are two distinct and separate entities. Sex is to reproduce the species only. It is not love. Love is something else. Sex can improve with real love and intimacy. If you are in lust, it is not love. If someone is bad to you, you do not want sex with them unless you are delusional and are using them too, or if you mistakingly think that a great orgasm will make the men stay or change. If you find yourself thinking about a man 100 percent of the time or close to it, he is NOT good for you. You will lose yourself in him. If you are a giver to the men you lust, then learn to be less available and more equality demanding. You have the right to be treated well and decently. That does not mean lavishly. It means honestly with respect. And it goes both ways.

If you are the type who takes crap from a partner, stop taking crap early on, and you will avoid lots of pain..

Answer 6

it's takes time. even though u say u forgive u will never forget and that feeling of trust will never be the same. You can stay with someone and love them but the trust issue will never go away u have to learn to deal with it the best u can and move on. It is very hard to do for in some cases the person thinks well i was forgiven once i'll be forgiven again and it happens again and in some cases it was a one time thing and that person deals with the pain of knowing they hurt u along with that feeling u have too and then both your feelings change so good luck and god bless.

Answer 7

I think there has to be some level of confidence that the person is truly, truly remorseful and that the issues (if any) that made the relationship vulnerable to infidelity have been resolved. However, there are some people that because of their values and nature will be unfaithful even when they are perfectly satisfied in their marriage. They just need the excitement, variety, and food for their narcissism - they are more than willing to take the risk of hurting you again and again. Don't bother trying to work anything out with that variety - they are a lost cause.

Answer 8

Marriage counselor isn't going to give trust back to you. I think it depends a lot on the person. Usually, if you forgive the person, they will eventually hurt you again. I personally, have a difficult time ever trusting again. I can forgive but I can never forget.

Answer 9

It's almost impossible to forget all the pain and mistrust. unfortunately, you spend your days wondering when, not if it will happen. It certainly will. Dealing with issues of trust in what is supposed to be a blessed union is hard, definately doable, but very stressful, especially when considering what your options are and whether or not you have little ones at home. Sadly, it's never the same...on both parts...

Answer 10

You never forget, you can forgive, but never forget. The only thing that I can say form experience,have limitations and if you decide to stay in the relationship either turn the other way or simply complain all the time.