Anyone want to read my short story?

Question

Please go to this web page. http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=2237924 I have spent a lot of time on this story and no one has read it. Please read it and tell me what you think.

Answer 1

I would love to read it. Far be it from me to not feed the creative mind. Keep it up!

I just read it. Very moving! I submitted a review with detailed thoughts. You have a gift. Keep it up...... Please send me any of your other writings as well. I am a writer myself and appreciate the creativity!! [e-mail]

Thank You!

Answer 2

Read it and liked some and didn't like some. The ending was pretty weak. Sorry.

Too many exclamation marks. As a reader I feel insulted when the writer adds endless ! to tell me how to think about a passage. If it's well written, you can leave them out. I'll know how to feel without your help.

Also, your grammar needs a lot of work. Eg “I can’t leave my home, not even for you.” she argued. There should be a comma after 'you', not a period. You do this all the way through. Ditto some of the spelling.

Too wordy and definately not a short story. It's a novella.

Good first try. Your characters have some meat on their bones and some of the dialogue is realistic. Rather than "telling" us about someone/thing, try painting a picture for us through a character's eyes. Watch your POV changes.

Keep writing.

Answer 3

Your story has strong points in its plot, but could use better transition between the unusually short chapters. This story is more novella size than a short story. I haven't seen short stories use chapter separations--only parts, but maybe I've missed something along the way.

Your writing needs improvement in grammar and punctuation, and while your tags show action, you should avoid using adverbs in those tags. Words endling with -ly are tip offs to avoid using and I call them "adverblys" for my own reminders. While tags consisting of "he said, she said" are acceptable, you may wish to insert action sentences that precede dialogue--thereby omitting tags altogether.

One new punctuation rule in force today is the use of a comma following a question mark or an exclamation point when a tag is used with an accompanying participial phrase. An example is this:

"Don't go near the water!," he exclaimed as he pounded the sign into the sandy beach.

Notice where the comma is after the exclamation point. This rule is found in the Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference written by Gary Lutz & Diane Stevenson.

I encourage you to seek an unbiased person to edit your manuscript for additional problem areas. Space here does not allow elaboration, but your story is good and cries for improvement.

My last recommendation is never ask a relative or a close friend to edit your works; they generally lean in your favor and might be hesitant to be completely truthful of your creation.

Answer 4

Reading in the process! And first off.. I'd like to say CONGRATS on becoming a writer!

My critiques.. in the story the boys name is Vince.. later in the story it changed to Quinn.. when he's at the window.. trying to encourage Melody to slip away with him. There are several grammatical errors.. spelling, punctuation.. nothing major..

I would say your book is very character driven.. that's a plus. :D And it has it's protagonist and antagonists.. which makes you or breaks you :D And the chapters are short.. which is a plus.

Overall.. great story.. I got to chapter 9.. and decided to post my response before I have to take dinner out of the oven.. and then forget to respond.

Are you wanting to be a writer...? Do you belong to any groups? Support groups, writer groups? It's an amazing accomplishment.. to be a writer.. it's very dignifying and self proclaiming! Hope you keep at it! And some day you'll see your name in the paper! Best of luck always!!!! Min :D

Answer 5

Wow. It was so... moving... sad... it was amazing. The plot is gr8, it reflects real life, and I loved the ending.
Some of the sentences were too short. As Mark Twain once said: Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her out and make her scream". In the descriptions, give the characters more life, make them live, describe more.
That's all I can say. It's an awesome story. continue writing!!!! I'd love to see more.

Answer 6

Orson Scott Card's short thoughts, one compilation is noted as Maps in a mirror. those are incredible. They use delusion or technology fiction for occasion often happening human features, maladies and stipulations. Neil Gaiman additionally has a reliable e book of short thoughts noted as Smoke and Mirrors. He makes use of the person fairy-tale variety to talk secret and sweetness.

Answer 7

As promised... Just finished reading...

I like the story... Though some chapters were a bit short...
Like the chapter where Melody's parents died... I'm curious to the period that her grandma raised her... The period of how she become an assassin...
And the period of Vince / Ace learning the skills of his "father."
And so on and so on...

You got my attention till the end...
But like someone wrote (after me) the end is a bit weak...
It's like you rushed at the end of the story... But overall it's a good story...

Answer 8

I read your story. It needs to be proofread, because I found many grammar errors. Overall it was OK. It has the potential to be a great story. If you keep working at being an author I am sure you will get published some day.

Answer 9

You should join www.gather.com and post your work. It's great if you want to publish your articles, stories, photos AND GET PAID!! You can either ask for gift cards, OR get a check in the mail.
Joining is free and the more you publish, the more money you earn.