Ever since being the victim of a brutal rape a year and a half ago, I've been pretty much isolated and full of despair. I recently met someone who (surprisingly) likes me and I could see myself loving this man. I feel that something this personal and tramatic should be shared with someone you love - I don't know if I'm at that stage yet, but does this subject really have to come up? Am I being dishonest by not disclosing this information upfront? - I don't see how this would make a good opening line. The only inkling he has is that I did tell him that I have not been dating for over a hear. He finds that incredulous (he really is a sweet man). I actuall feel happiness being with him. I am so confused. Please no smart-*** responses. This is upsetting to me and I honestly appeal to you - YES YOU - for a what if? What would you do? I sincerely appreciate any feedback and advice. Guys - how would you respond? Would you think less of me? Women - how would you do it?
2006-08-28 12:13:00 · 18 answers · asked by Chrissy: The Angry Typer a/k/a Mood Mole 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Wow. I just read the 16 responses that I got. I can't even tell you how thankful I am for you. Each of you. I am deeply touched. Thank you for your kindness and understanding. I've never felt this ok about it. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
2006-08-28 14:51:07 · update #1
Chrissy 1st of all you should never feel pressured into talking about this subject it is your wound that was inflicted on you by someone that took your wrights and dignity and just smashed them . If you are comfortable with this guy and you think you can trust and tell him about your violation then its your decision . Personally I think you will need at some point to discuss this ,because you may feel threatened if he rushes things along to fast or if your sex becomes torrid, I cant say when to raise the subject that is a thing only you can decide but if you feel the need I think he will be there for you , any decent guy would be , you smile hold your head high and live a great life Chrissy . ,,, Slick
2006-08-28 12:43:36 · answer #1 · answered by slick 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you need to disclose such information from the get go, but he should know at some point in time. You're not being dishonest for not telling him, I don't think too many people ever do, at least not so soon.
What is most important is to tell him when you are both ready. It may provide a chance to truly bond over your pasts. I've been dating the same man for 8 months today, and I've only recently told him about some of the darker parts of my past. We talked and I feel closer to him than ever.
Only you for sure can tell wheter or not its too soon. But from how you describe him, I'm sure he'll appreciate in the long run you letting him know. I wish you the best of luck.
2006-08-28 12:31:08 · answer #2 · answered by Nixxy 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
When I was 11 years old, I was raped. I spent 3 years in a deep depression, and alone, but then I started making new friends, and slowly started returning to the "real world." It is something you can heal from. My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 1/2 years (I'm a 30-something now). I told him during our first year together. He was very supportive, and he is a big reason why I was able to heal from that experience.
It's hard to remember how I brought up the topic... I think the subject of rape came up in general, and I told him then. You will know when the time is right. If he really loves you, he will want to help you any way he can.
2006-08-28 12:30:10 · answer #3 · answered by The Pulverizer 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Youre dealing with special circumstances. Therefore, there is no reason to let him know at first unless a special moment presents itself. You can cover why you havent dated for awhile by telling him, that you were hurt deeply by a guy and will tell him everything later when you feel ready, but it wont affect you two. Once you do tell him, he should understand why you waited to tell him if hes truly a good man. What happened was beyond your control and as hard as it is, you cant let it control your future. Let him get to know you for who you are today for awhile, but before it gets too serious,let him know in generalization. He doesnt really need to know the details. Getting to know him too will help you put the incident behind you and help you move forward. What will probably happen when you do tell him is, he will act shocked/surprised, not knowing what to say, then may start asking questions. Now if hes truly interested in today you, hell be able to overcome this and put it behind you and start a relationship you long deserve. Be honest with him no matter what happens you dont need any regrets from this. Good luck
2006-08-28 12:37:47 · answer #4 · answered by Arthur W 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
why is it so surprising that he likes you i think that b/cause of the trauma u have been through that u dont feel very good about yourself(thats very likely an understatement)i think its great that u could see yourself loving him which must mean u r beginning to heal on the inside.i dont think u r being dishonest not telling him yet u r just protecting yourself b/cause u r still building up a trust with him like u do when u meet anyone new he finds it incredulous that u havent dated in ayear because he obviously thinks u r special .when u feel comfortable u will know when the right time to tell him what has happened to you and he will no doubt admire your strength and ability to want to move on with your life i hope everything works out for you and that you find lots of love and happiness good luck and take care
2006-08-28 12:32:40 · answer #5 · answered by sarah71397 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I believe you are a very brave person to admit that here and that proves that you can be brave enough to be honest with this man. Even though you feel incomplete because of this tragic experience remember that you have the strength within to trust someone (male) again. You are not a weak person, you know why? Because you survived, you survived. You have a chance to a new beginning take it, don't be afraid to peak your head out a little from that shell. If it is to painful for you to express to this guy now (if you don't really know him that well) wait to see how interested he really is and let him know, if he proves himself worthy. To be honest you really won't be able to give him your all, if you bottle this up inside all your life.
I also want you to remember something, this experience that you went through, can help other women who have been through it and protect others from having to go through it. You can be a real inspiration to other women on how to face a situation like that, what signs to look for but mostly how to heal. Don't be ashamed, you are not the one to blame as society would have us believe. In fact you are the strong one, don't give that evil, criminal the satisfaction that he has won, he is a freak and a loser.
2006-08-28 12:36:20 · answer #6 · answered by Firebird 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It is best to be honest with your man, but tell him when you are ready. Being raped is a horrible thing to happen to anyone, and I'm sorry to hear it happened to you. I can understand how you feel, for I was raped 7 times in the past and I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of it. I will pray for you.
It was hard for me to tell my husband, when I got raped. It was a very painful subject to talk about. Going through counseling may help you, and going to a sexual assault survivors group too, may help you. I know, because it helped me. No woman deserves that kind of abuse!!!! You deserve to have a man that will love you for who you are. I hope they catch that jerk that did that to you and put him away for the rest of his life. May God Bless you.
If you want to talk more about this or other subjects, your'e welcome to e-mail me at midnightwolf99_2000@yahoo.com
Whenever anyone e-mails me with a problem, I keep what is said
Confidential and I never tell anyone.
I am a 33 year old Christian female.
I do not think the less of you. You deserve to be happy
I spent alot of time being isolated and depressed.
But isolating yourself is not a healthy thing to do.
2006-08-28 12:36:27 · answer #7 · answered by midnightwolf99_2000 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
if he's as great a guy as you say he is, i don't think he would think any less of you.
what would give any guy the idea that he had the right to do such a thing?
it might be awkward at first, but again, if he's as good a guy as you say, then he can handle it.
he might be confused as to why you haven't tried to be intimate with him. maybe he has been blaming himself or maybe he may be starting to think that you don't like him as much as he likes you.
get him alone. tell him, "look this isn't easy for me to say. i really like you and i could see myself in a relationship with you. but a year ago i was raped, and since then i have avoided intimacy. i am still having a hard time dealing with what happened to me. i told you this because i trust you and care about you and thought you had a right to know."
this relationship may be the key to the healing process for you.
good luck ^_^
2006-08-28 12:30:19 · answer #8 · answered by miss advice 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
if i were you i would wait. if you find that you like him more and more as time passes i would tell him but only if you feel compelled to. i dont think you should necessarily hid it from him but i dont think it should be the first thing out of your mouth. if he presses you for touches or actions that you may still not be comfortable with yet you could just tell him "look this happened and i dont want to scare you off but i need you to be understanding and go slow." or something to that effect. it is very important that he dose not push you into anything and also that you do not let him push you. in the end if he dose not understand than you two were not meant to be together anyway.
2006-08-28 12:37:39 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
though you may at this point be scared of his knowing this due to his response you might give it some time and get to know this guy a little better and at some point when you feel comfortable enough to tell him you might bring it to his attention and see how he responds.if he has a problem with the matter then you might want to consider finding someone else.someone who would'nt have such a problem accepting or dealing with the matter and see how that goes.yet don't rush into telling him it might change his mind upon your standing with him and that may lead to your losing someone you could really use in your life.if he can handle the matter then explain the matter to him and let him know how you feel about what stands between the two of you and see what comes of things from there.if you feel he needs know you can tell him just give it some time to clear your mind and take it from there once you are comfortable enough to tell him.
2006-08-28 12:35:40 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋