I have been married for just a short period of time, and realize that we did it for all the wrong reasons. Recently, I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that I am no longer in love with my husband, but have stayed in the marriage for the sake of our children. (Yes, I understand this is not the best thing to do) I have begun to have other feelings for someone else, and have acted upon those feelings. I don't justify that what I did was okay - but since I am no longer in love with my husband it makes me able to tolerate my decision to be unfaithful. The person that I was with is not married, but in a committed relationship. As far as I know, he has no intentions of leaving her and is still in love. How can he justify his decision to cheat?
2006-08-28 10:11:47 · 40 answers · asked by despret_hse_wife 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I think you are under the influence of temporary insanity right now.
I was in the situation you are in right now, with small children as well. I thought I was deeply in love with the person I cheated on my husband with.
That person started to ignore me. And I thank God he did. He did the RIGHT thing, he knew it wasn't right to take another man's wife and break up a home with children.
This man needs to do the right thing and ignore you.
He just had sex with you because of the novelty and risk, men like excitment. He is probably very in love with the person he is with and just wanted some ego p***sy on the side--(you).
I know this sounds harsh, but I believe it to be true because I was in your exact situation. I did the wrong thing to my husband and my family and he and my kids did not deserve for my love and attention to be stolen away from someone who didn't deserve it and gave nothing to me back. You are in grave risk of destroying your children's home, making yourself poverty stricken and taking your kid's father out of the home away from them, making everyone's lives miserable--including your own....
You, my dear, are about to jump from the frying pan right into the fire.
YOu need to do the right thing and clear your head and realise this guy you think your in love with (cause :"love" really is such a false fickle thing and you only feel this way because you had sex with him, believe me, it's THAT simple.) --he will drop you like a hot potato. And you will be left with NOTHING.
I love my husband now when I thought I didn't and couldn't, I broke my husband's heart when I told him--THAT was a mistake! OUr marriage got better but we live with what I did all the time--the WRONG thing. I wasted my time consumed by a person undeserving of my energy, and I essentially stole from my children because I was screwing with my children's lives, their home and their sense of stability in their family.
I want to tell you because I know. Let this guy go. Raise your children and try to love your husband, I promise you it will get better. I regret ever doing anything to tamper with my partnership with my children's father and you will too. It is going to hurt, like all loss does, but it's for the best.
YOu are wasting your time with this guy you think you love. ;He doesn't love you, he looks at you like an unfaithful woman he scored with for an ego boost. Trust me. Do the right thing by yourself and your kids and try to be happy with your kids dad.
I wish you luck.. Be good.
2006-08-28 11:10:15 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Cheating is never okay.
You made a commitment to this person. You said you would be faithful. End of story.
Having said that, I've listed some options which may help you work through your feelings and see where you are going.
It is important to remember that love is an action. You actively choose to love. Over time it is not always easy to remember this. We become mired in the day-to-day of caring for our children and living our lives. It is very hard to maintain a balance when EVERYONE wants something from you. It is easy to feel taken advantage of and unloved.
I am not saying stay in the marriage. I am asking you to do some things which will help you work through this before you make a rash decision.
Retrouvaille is a great volunteer organization focused on helping couples in trouble. It starts with a weekend retreat (you don't have to share with anyone) but they give you stories and examples and tools to look at your marriage.
the five love languages is from a series done by Gary Chapman. He has some really great insites into relationships and talks alot about being "in-love." he also mentions how people have different ways of expressing love -- talking, giving, doing things, spending time, etc, and if you and your spouse have a different language you can have barriers.
the imago site is from Harville Hendrix work and helps people understand why they sought our their mates and what they expected of their mates. It gives you tools to help understand why we do what we do.
I wish you luck,
best,
cez
2006-08-28 10:43:14 · answer #2 · answered by cezzium 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Cheating is not a matter of justified or not. Wrong is wrong and if you have your reasons that's fine, it doesn't need to be justified because it's a bad habit to justify wrong doings. If you feel that you can live with your actions, why are you worrying about your lover's justifications? Obviously, he has his reasons too. And if he was in love, he would not even be looking at you (and I don't mean if he loves her in a passive sense but if he's in love with her).
Are you asking because you want to leave your husband but are upset that you cannot leave him for your lover? Are you worried about the character of this man that you are with? Perhaps you are searching for some security, some safe haven when you really have none. If you can live with your actions you shouldn't be bothered by what his reasons are. I think there is more to this question. I am not judging you but just suggesting that you dig deeper.
2006-08-28 10:28:13 · answer #3 · answered by shosha_tiqo 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Men can justify anything having to do with their penis. Testosterone is evil stuff. You, on the other hand, need to get your poop in a group. Ok so you know your marriage is over..but you stay. You know its not even good for your kids, but you use them as your excuse. What are you going to do live your entire life this way? Leave after the kids are grown? Imagine the guilt they will feel when they figure out that their mother wasted her life over them! Kids shouldn't come with a job!! You get one shot at this life, don't waste it, you get one shot at teaching your kids what love and relationships should look and feel like, if you want better for them in their adult realtionships you better start fixing yours. Quit going through the motions and start really living. Its hard to take the actual first step, but once you do it just gets better and easier from there. None of this is about the topic you brought up, its about solving the problem of the mess your entire life is in. The one thing you can't get back once you have spent it is time and there will come a day when you will wish you had back all that you wasted.
2006-08-28 10:19:20 · answer #4 · answered by dappersmom 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Don't worry about how he justifies his own cheating. Look at yourself. How do you justify it? Because you married for the wrong reasons and you don't love your husband? That's a good reason! C'mon...divorce the guy so he can find someone that wants to be with him as much as he wants to be with them. Doesn't sound like you even gave your marriage much of a chance.....
2006-08-28 10:35:11 · answer #5 · answered by bluez 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Men will have sex with anyone, even if they are in a committed loving relationship. With men, that don't put love and sex together like women do. The man you are cheating with is doing it just for fun and it has nothing to do with the woman he is with. IT is a choice he has made and he does not have to justify it in any way.
2006-08-28 10:19:08 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
never, you took your vows in a church saying you will honor, cherish, sickness and health and whatever else goes with those vows. Both of you have cheated on your spouse's and do you think that is fair to them. and you are staying in the marriage for the wrong reason for the kids that is the worst thing you can do. If you are that unhappy you should have gotten a divorce first then dated so no cheating was even happening its wrong just plain wrong. Cheating is such a dirty word jeez i get mad at my husband and things but i would not cheat on him i dont care how desirable someone is i would get a divorce for one cause i dont want adultry hanging over my head and the guilt. You both are guilty and wrong for doing it.
2006-08-28 10:24:18 · answer #7 · answered by hopelovesu2004 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
doesn't sound like he's in a "committed relationship" by the classic definition. Justification for cheating...there's no need. Cheaters are the same as liars and thieves. Without the honor to stay faithful or at the very least honest, you are a waste of breath.
2006-08-28 10:15:46 · answer #8 · answered by letum_ante_dedecus 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Darlin'.... he is using you.
If you need to leave your husband, leave him. You will never, I repeat NEVER, have a satisfying relationship unless you are disentangled from your current committments. If you stay for the kids then stay for the kids all the way. This cheating stuff and the lying and deception that goes along with it will harm them just as much as the divorce will. Maybe more.
2006-08-28 10:19:10 · answer #9 · answered by Brent 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Never. It's never okay to cheat - especially premeditated cheating.
Sorry, I know it's not the answer anyone wants to hear, but it is the truth. You can work on your marriage - being "in love" isn't all marriage is about - or you can get out and let the chips fall where they may. But please don't cheat. It will be bad for your family, your kids, your self esteem and your future relationships.
2006-08-28 10:17:07 · answer #10 · answered by C C 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋