Why in the world will my wife NEVER initiate initimacy ??

Question

It's not me (so she says) and the rare once a month that she gives in for sex is usually very, very good. But obviously, this is driving me crazy ! It would drive anyone crazy ! Almost to the point though, where I feel totally unwanted and looking elsewhere to fulfill the need. We're still young and I have even told her my feelings before, but she just apologizes and says she can't help it.
She truly is wonderful other than this extreme nag I have with her and I have NO plans on leaving her. However, I really need to ask other wives out there that can relate to a LOW sex drive or fear of initiating - Why, why, why ??? And anything I can do to improve this lousy scenario ?

Answer 1

Hi there,
i was like that once, when i was married to my first husbsand, and i loved him .. yet i was insecure, and had may issues to resolve at that time but i did not know it.

That does not necessarily help you what i said, i just want to say that marriage is not the answer to a happy life that many women think it is,
If we just get married then life will be good, or get better, then, you get married, and
Marriage just does not solve anything, or fix anything, it only changes some of what you have, it could lchange for the better, or worse, and unfortunately too many of us?
HUMANS, expected marriage to be a state of permanent happiness, and when we wake up one day, and realize
what ever baggage we had, is still there,

As far as your sex life, please don't turn to another woman for your needs,
Your married to her, and as long as you are, you must look for the fair solutions for both of you.

I KNOW YOU LOVE YOUR WIFE,
BUT DO YOU THINK MARRIAGE, OR YOUR BOND WILL GET BETTER, AND STRONGER, AND HAVE THAT INTIMACY GROW BY CHEATING?

You know the answer, what i suggest is not just talking to her, but let know, and be serious, and firm, even if you scare her a little into looking at her responsibility as a wife, to understand your needs are as important as hers, and she can't just apologize away the fact that she is not as interested in sex, or has a low sex drive, now that you are married,, did she before then,, probably not,
You must make her understand that she needs to address the problem, and not ignore it , as it is unfair to you, and to the marriage,

They have things now for men, viagra or something, and i believe they have things like that for women. and it is worth looking into ,, and also, perhaps you can point out to her that you must make a "shift " IN YOUR SEX LIFE..
to take it to a new level, and not about the sex act itself, but how you go about it,
HOW YOU TREAT THE INTIMACY BETWEEN EACH OTHER,
AND MAYBE, YOU BOTH CAN TAKE NEW APPROACHES, OR AT LEAST TRY THEM OUT..
MAYBE, (LIKE A BABY) your sex life, needs attention, and rethink the whole way you go about it, THIS WILL INCLUDE HER TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR HER PART, WHICH MEANS SOMETIMES,SHE IS THE ONE WHO APPROACHES, YOU ETC,

The reason i said like the baby part earlier, is parents now days take turn, sometimes maybe the dad will get up with the baby, or take the baby for the day, to give the mom rest,
Well can't a sex life have the same approach, why should it always be the man ASKING, WAITING, HOPING, AND THEN JUST UNDERSTANDING, YET NOT HAVING HIS NEEDS REALLIZED

I Do hope you can resolve this, as it is as serious as can be, and cheating is not ever a solution,,nomatter what, because in the long run, you cheat yourself, and destroy the meaning of marriage,
good luck ps
this is a long answer, but i really put thought into it, i hope it helped at some level for you

Answer 2

While it will be of no help to you I can tell you you are not alone.

One of the problems I think is how much attention you pay to her, other than when you want sex. For men sex itself is the loving intimacy we need and can never really understand why they do not feel the same.

There are some woman that have lost all desire for sex. This happens sometimes after having a baby, after a hysterectomy, going through the change. But it can also happen for no reason at all.

There is nothing more frustrating and painful than to have a wife you love so much who does not seem to want to be intimate with you. It is like you lost her to something else and nothing you can do will bring her back.

The worse part of this is there is no fault. She cannot help that her hormones have changed any more than we can loose interest.

As I said, you are not alone. If someone could invent a pill that would guarantee to bring back her interest they would be set for life.

Answer 3

Well, I had a boyfriend that would only have sex with me if HE initiated it. If I tried and kept pushing for it, he would finally get unbelievably angry and tell me to go out and find someone who would f*** me on command. Control freak, I guess? If your wife was previously involved with someone like this, it could be fear of rejection from you also. I saw a couple on the Dr. Phil show many months ago that had the same problem. She could not tell her husband why she had no sexual drive. I don't remember exactly what her problem was, but Dr. Phil asked some questions that started to bring out an issue that she had. You may want to check out Dr. Phil's website - there is probably marriage/sex info and links there that could be helpful to you.

Answer 4

I had a friend (female) and she had a problem of low sex drive. I told her to take DHEA. It's a testosterone precurser that can be purchased at any health food store.

Prior to this she was a very good christian woman who went to church four times a week. Very timid, obedient and shy. Anyway she started taking it and after a week or two she went upstairs to her husband, threw him on the bed and had sex with him....actually demanded that he have sex with her.

Now if you talk your wife into taking this build up the dose in increments (a little at a time). My friend took to much and started to get physical with everone at work (slapping people in the arm ....hard...to get theri attention, being aggressive etc) she dropped the dose down a bit and her husband is smiling all of the time like the guy on the enzyte commercial)

Check out the following web site. It can answer you questions better than I can. It can show you other ways to "prime the pump".

http://www.condomsbrasandstraightjackets.com/

Good Luck

Answer 5

I have been through EXACTLY the same thing. So first, let me say that I have been married for seven years and have never cheated on her. But seven years in I'm just now beginning to feel like we have really made some lasting breakthroughs.

First, sit down and talk to her about it. It is entirely possible that she doesn't know why. Talk to her and work it through with her. But let her know that it's not just about you getting your sex, that you want her to be happy as well.

Understand that men and women are different. As a rule, men want sex to make them feel better, woman want sex WHEN they feel better. If a guy comes home from a crappy job to a crappy house and a crappy life, he says "well, at least I can have good sex." A woman says "We need to fix this before we can have good sex." So find out what else might be bothering her. Now I'm not saying that this is the case, but you really need to understand that we do think about things entirely differently.

But almost universally, women do really like to feel attractive. Again, I'm generalizing here, but guys get turned on by looking at a woman. Women get turned on by being looked at. Don't believe me? Go into Victoria Secrets and see who's in there; men or women. If women didn't like feeling attractive then why would they buy the stuff for themselves. So WHILE you're in there doing this homework, buy a nice (I said NICE, not SLUTTY) outfit for her. And seriously, PUT SOME THOUGHT INTO IT! Remember that it is every bit as much for her, if not more so, as for you. Pick a color that is right for her (ask the women there, they will help you out). Pick a style that she'll like. Pick a cut that will flatter her body (accentuates the positives, hides anything that she's uncomfortable with). If you're not sure she'll go for a little skimpy lace thing, then buy one of their little silk robes. Just about any woman is going to look at feel sexy, but still classy in one of those. My wife has one and it's still a personal favorite for both of us.

And tell her how YOU feel. Start out by expressing the fact that you are ABSOLUTELY COMMITTED to her and to your relationship. Let her know that this is an issue that you feel is separating the two of you. Let her know that it's not JUST about sex. If that's all you wanted, you'd go get it elsewhere. Let her know that it's something that you want to work through together so that you can feel close and connected and committed to her in every way. During the bad times that come, keep reminding her of the fact that you're still there and still committed to her and no one else.

Sex is an important part of marriage. This is something that you do need to work out. It can be done, but it's probably gonna take some work. I give you all the credit in the world for being willing to stick with it.

And seriously, e-mail me if you want more details of some of the good and bad things we've done to try to work through it. It's a big issue and not one that you can just "get over."

Hang in there. It's worth it.

Answer 6

I know it's probably hard to believe but sometimes we are taught things as little girls that affect us as women. She probably was told that sex was dirty and that good girls don't initiate or ask for it. It's the man duty after all good girls don't like sex. You will need to be patient with her and ask her what she enjoys and try to get her to try things that she always wanted but not dare ask. Don't make it always about your needs include her needs in there too. Also try this engage in some role playing that way she gets to pretend that she's someone else and that might help her with her shyness. Remember to be patient. Good luck.

Answer 7

Just keep working on it. Try to throw in some romance. Make absolutely sure she gets ant least one "O" before you climb into the saddle.. Work on the Oral..If you love her don't give up. It will change, even if she just sometimes does it to shut you up or out of pity. If you work at rocking her world, you eventually will and she will "come" around.

Answer 8

I would say get to the bottom of it. Have a serious talk with her about it. Also try setting the mood. Think of doing something romantic, maybe a candlelight bubble bath or something. You can't blame it all on her, you can do something to make her want it.

Answer 9

Maybe if you weren't such a wiener and be a MAN and initiate the sex yourself, maybe you'd get more action. Honestly...go try and get some elsewhere...women don't just fall off a bar stool and spread 'em...you have to 'woo' her.

Answer 10

you are allowing her to spend all her time and energy on normal domestic duties.
people who work too much or worry about money all the time often don't have much interest in sex.
Or it may just be her natural orientation to wait until you are so needy that you must do something.