Can breastfeeding ruin a marriage?

Question

My husband is so frustrated because he can't do anything to soothe our fussy newborn. The only thing that calms her down is my breast & I think he is starting to resent me & the baby. I want to continue breastfeeding because I know it's best for the baby & I read that supplementing formula is bad for her intestional tract. Does anyone have any suggestions!? Thanks.

Answer 1

Well, you may need to go to counseling, if that is truly the reason he is resenting you. Here are some things that he could try to soothe the baby, maybe there is something you haven't tried, good luck!

A CHECKLIST OF 36 TIME-TESTED BABY-CALMERS
Wearing baby in a sling
Dancing with baby
Swinging baby
Car rides
Pushing baby in a carriage
Taking a walk
Bouncing on a trampoline
Nursing while walking with baby
Draping baby over a beach ball
Comfort sucking: nursing, pacifiers, sucking on the move
Music, tapes of womb sounds, heartbeats
Echo baby's cry
Tape recordings of baby's own cries
Tick-tock of clock or pendulum swing of grandfather clock
Singing lullabies
Vibrating, humming gadgets wrapped in diaper or blanket
Running water
Tape of environmental sounds
Metronome
Ceiling fan; bathroom fan
Sounds of vacuum cleaner, dishwasher, washer-dryer, air conditioner
Show baby your "silly face"
Magic mirror
Fire in fireplace
Gazing at traffic
Watching parent on exercise machine
Watching television or video
Infant massage
Warm fuzzy
Neck nestle
Nestle nursing
A warm bath together
Colic carries
Eliminating bothersome foods from mother's diet if breastfeeding, or changing formula
Slowing down mother's lifestyle and changing her expectations
Creating the most peaceful home environment.

Answer 2

Your husband is an adult. He is a big boy and he can understand the concept that right now the baby needs you. This part of her life will not last forever, in fact it will be over before you know it!

There are ways your husband can be involved with caring for the baby. He can change diapers, burp her, cuddle her after feedings while you take a relaxing shower or bath, he can also give the baby a bath.

Resentment is a choice, and I think both of you are tired and stressed right now. Take a deep breath, and remember this too shall pass! You both love your baby and want what is best for her. Breastfeeding is the best food for babies, and you are doing a great thing by giving that to her. Your husband can be pleased to know his baby is getting the best start in life. He can still enjoy your breasts as the beautiful amazing things they are, and he will get plenty of time to enjoy them in other ways once the baby is older.

Talk to each other about this. He may not be feeling resentful or jealous at all, just tired and frustrated trying to learn this whole new daddy thing. My husband didn't automatically become super dad as soon as our first baby was born. He is an awesome daddy though. He supports me in breastfeeding our babies because he knows how many benefits there are for the mom and the baby, he's seen them firsthand in how happy and healthy our kids are.

Answer 3

Hey there. Your husband feels frustrated because he can't sooth the baby. That's quite normal. My daughter was the same way. I breastfed for a year and when she was fussy she would nurse. My husband couldn't calm her down. He still has trouble since she prefers me. The trick would have to be for you husband to find another way to sooth her so the jealousy and resentment doesn't build. I don't think the he really resents you and the baby more so he may feel like a "bad father" since he can't calm his child ad you can do it so easily. Has he tried singing to the baby or rocking her? If he finds other ways to help calm her you will probably notice a difference. You don't want him to assume that every time the baby is upset she wants to nurse. That's not always the case. Don't give up nursing because he's frustrated that's not fair to your daughter. Remember to the first few months of having a newborn home is a huge adjustment for anyone. He may be really nervous and scared and it just comes out with frustration. They say women have postpartum blues but I think men suffer too.

Answer 4

First of all, you're doing a great job! Kudos to you for sticking with the bfing and having the knowledge that formula (even supplemental) can do damage to your baby's gut and body. Your primary job as a mother is to meet your baby's needs period. Your husband may be feeling a bit neglected, but he's an adult who can wait for attention. You need to talk to each other about this and realize that the first months are very hard for everyone. One practical thing you can do is to start wearing the baby in a sling or pouch (not a baby bjorn or snuggli) as much as possible during the day (even when baby sleeps). This will lessen the fussiness and it's something Dad can do once the baby gets used to it and enjoys it.

Remember, a newborn has an incredible need to suck--not just for nutrition, but for comfort and closeness too. I've added some links below that will hopefully help.

Answer 5

keep breastfeeding. can you pump? that would give him some way to feed the baby (if the baby will take a bottle) and it would help your milk supply (if that's even needed.)

totally understandable, very common for dads to feel cut out of the family connection early on. hard to work through it (been there, etc.)

supplementing formula should be fine if you want to go that way, but i'll stick with the first advice: get a breast pump. if you can get the baby to take the occasional bottle, it will give you some time to get a break every now and then - and please try to spend some time with hubby. he misses you. (at least, that's what my husband told me.)

a baby is a huge upheaval in a relationship (you'd think something so small wouldn't matter much, right?) all the relationships are unstable and it makes it so so hard to maintain closeness.

please remember that once your daughter gets walking and talking, things are going to change - AGAIN. they always do ;) often they change for the better, for dads. all of a sudden baby girl is all about her daddy.

good luck. and good for you for choosing to breastfeed.

Answer 6

So not quit breastfeeding unless it is something that you want to do. Your husband should be thankful that there is SOMETHING that can soothe your baby. I breastfeed and every once in a while I will supplement formula to give myself a break, maybe try supplementing one bottle every day or every other day and this can be your husband's job. I would try to stay away from supplementing at night, I have tried this and suprisingly my baby sleeps longer periods at night on breast milk. You know what is good for your baby and don't deny him something he loves. Your husband can find other ways to soothe the baby. I have found that bouncing on a big yoga excercise ball helps tremendously. Try it, it is the only thing other than breastfeeding that really works. Good Luck.

Answer 7

We went through the same thing. Our son was a preemie, so I had a ton of milk frozen from pumping for 3 months. I really wanted to breastfeed since he would gain weight better than on formula and get all the nutrients, etc. Breastfeeding a preemie is near to impossible so it was really difficult and frustrating in trying to get my baby just to latch on. I was so exhausted all the time that I asked my husband to give him a bottle at night, but then to wake me up for his next feeding.
Well, he would never wake me up and would give him as many bottles as he could before I woke up to breastfeed. Pretty much doing it behind my back -- which was inhibiting our progress in breastfeeding too.
So needless to say it caused a huge problem of distrust and I even brought up the 'd' word a few times. My husband was jealous because of the bonding time and felt like he didn't have a place.
He needs to understand that the baby needs you - it's the way nature intended it. Don't stop breastfeeding just because your husband feels left out. Try to involve him in different ways - like letting him burp the baby. I can actually get my husband to change diapers too! Anything that lets them spend more time with the baby and feel more important will help.

Answer 8

Your baby's health should be the number one priority for both of you, but maybe there are other things he can do to help. Perhaps infant massage (just gently rubbing the baby's back, legs, arms, etc.) If it doesn't work right away, he can do it while you breatfeed so the baby begins to associate the two (classic conditioning). Or, a simpler way is to pump and let your husband feed the baby a bottle of breastmilk, just make sure to get a bottle with a nipple that is supposed to be like the breast, that keeps the baby from getting confused. Good luck! Remind your hubby that the baby will eventially become to old for breastfeeding! Good luck!

Answer 9

Try pumping your breast milk so that your husband can feed the baby as well. He is probably feeling left out. Pregnancy is all about you, and then when the baby comes, it's all about the baby. You are still involved because of the breastfeeding, so I'm sure he feels that he's not needed. It's one thing to help out with diapers and other chores, but it's important for daddy to bond too. Suggest to him that you would like to pump some breast milk so that he and the baby have a chance to bond. He should at the very least appreciate your concern and desire for him to have a chance to bond with the baby. It will also give you a chance to rest a bit.

I work full time so I started pumping from the beginning to help my daughter get use to both breast and bottle. It helped out when we had to go out places too where I wasn't sure if I would have the privacy to breastfeed, I could then take expressed breast milk.

Good luck!

Answer 10

Well you've made the decision to breastfeed and that's perfectly fine, but have you maybe thought or tried pumping for maybe one or two feedings a day to help him try to bond by feeding the baby, or have you tried to set some time aside for just him I know newborns can be all consuming but I think women make the mistake of worrying so much about their babies they forget about their husbands needs ... i sound like some crazy person because if you knew me you'd never expect me to say stuff like this but the best gift you can give a child isn't breastmilk its a happy family. I don't think it can ruin a marriage, not a solid one anyway. Just try talking to your husband and maybe try letting him feed the baby with pumped breast milk or hold the baby while her while she's sleeping or give her baths or something. Communication! Good luck!!