10 points for the best joke!!!?

Question

i know this is an age old 1 but i need to laugh!!!, been decorating all day and its starting to do my head in, still got about 4 days worth left!!!

Answer 1

man walks upto woman at a party introduces himself:

man - hello, the name is bond

woman - let me guess, would that be james bond

man - no, uni bond, im here to fill your crack

Answer 2

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving
>>together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his
>>apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled
>>with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the
>>bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully
>>placed in rows covering the entire wall!
>>
>>
>>It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
>>and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into
>>organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
>>medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge,
>>enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it
>>strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of
>>Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite
>>impressed by his sensitive side.
>>
>>
>>They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she
>>finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
>>Maybe
>>he could be the future father of my children?"
>>
>>She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
>>They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her
>>in
>>his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
>>clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds
>>with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
>>
>>After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
>>they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over,
>>gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
>>
>>The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her
>>eyes, and says:
>>
>>"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf".................

Answer 3

Mrs. Ferrara comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner, who lives with a female roommate Vikki. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious...

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts,
Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates.

"About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Anthony replied, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be
sure." So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Momma,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response from his Momma which read:

Dear Son,
I'ma nota saying that you 'do' sleepa with Vikki, and I'm nota saying that you 'do not' sleepa with her. But the fact remains that if she wasa sleeping ina her owna bed, she woulda found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Momma

Answer 4

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the FA Cup Final from his
>company.
>Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is
in
>the last row in the corner of the stadium.
>
>About halfway through the first half, Bob notices an empty seat 5 rows
off
>the pitch right on the halfway line. He decides to take a chance and
makes
>his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the
empty
>seat.
>
>As he sits down, he asks the elderly gentleman sitting next to him,
"Excuse
>me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.
>
>Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again
>inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their
right
>mind would have a seat like this for the Cup Final and not use it?"
>The
>man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed
to
>come
>with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we
haven't
>been to together since we got married in 1962."
>
>"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find
someone
>to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
>
>"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
>

Answer 5

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan, when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look," she said, "I may have agreed to the the blow j*b, but there's no way, I'm swallowing seamen!"

Answer 6

A college student went to visit his old grandfather, a widower. When it came time for lunch, the old man asked the boy to set the table.

"Grand Dad," the boy said, "These plates are not clean."

"They are as clean as Cold Water can get them," the old man replied. So, the grandson re-washed them and they had lunch.

When lunch was over, the old man up the plates on the floor and called, "Here Cold Water, here Cold Water." The old hound came over and licked the plates "clean."

Answer 7

Belfast hospital have made an announcement about the first transplant carried out there. The surgeons are very excited and have announced its been 3 weeks now and the haemorrhoid's have not been rejected

Answer 8

Well, I'll have a shot at it ...

A woman goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.
The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!
"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"
The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager.
The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?"
She explains the situation with the toaster.
He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!
Her money was instantly refunded.

Answer 9

A new craze has become popular with young couples. It involves drinking alcohol from a girls Vagina. Aside from the damage this can have on the Woman, Doctors are most concerned about the increase in "Minge Drinking!"
Made me laugh!!!

Answer 10

A man staggers in to work Monday morning. He plops himself down at his desk and spends the next hour holding his head in his hands groaning and struggling not to fall over. A friend approaches him as asks if he's ok.
"I'm sorry" the guy says, "I was out drinking last night and had more to drink than I've ever had before in my entire life. I got so drunk that when I got home I blew chunks for a solid 4 hours."
"Oh man" his friend replies, "but you know, everybody has at least one of those nights in their life. Happened to me a few times, too."
The guy strains to lift his head and says to his friend:
"No, you don't understand...Chunks is my dog!"