Should I divorce my wife of 21 years?

Question

I found IM messages that talked about meeting and calling and possibly things they have done ?

I did confront her and she says it was only online chat But it doesn't read that way. We are going to a counselor but I need to believe her and i just cant. If you read it you would agree

Answer 1

you need to talk to her first & try to see what the problem is about. if you get no where with that, you need to leave & get yourself some counseling to deal with the issues..good luck

Answer 2

I didn't even read the second page these were all the same. Let me tell you, something is obviously missing for her. Maybe your not giving her enough attention. Maybe she does not want to be in the relationship. I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater. Has she ever did something like this before? I believe if two people are to get married then you better be willing to work through EVERYTHING! You should go to counseling, it will bring more things out. You have to try for the 21 yrs you have invested. It won't be easy to forgive, but when you do you surely wont forget. This takes time. She has to prove many things to YOU now! If she's willing, if not then I'm sorry there's nothing you can do to stop a cheating heart.....L.

Answer 3

IM messages sometimes does not represent anything.

Alot of of internet chatting are only online flirting. Sometimes when a person talk stupidly in online chatroom is a way to get rid of frustration in daily life. Most of them don't dare to do it in real life, so one way or another internet IM / chatroom became a place to become the person you are not in the real world.

Check it out first. After all 21 years of marriage is a very blessed matrimony in today's modern societies which don't really put importance in building a healthy family and giving the offspring a nice upbringing environment.

I remembered watching a movie by Schwazenegger - True Lies with Jamie Lee Curtis. Perhaps you have some similiarity with the story line. Not implying anything just a case study you may wish to research. The misunderstanding between the spouses sometimes can be solved simply by just improving communications.

Well, may be you can talk to the Governor on that!

Look cherish life and your family. Review the shortcomings you and your spouse have. Love and tolerance should be able to pull you thru.

Answer 4

I think your first concern should be your own health. If you suspect infidelity, get the facts. You deserve the truth. Also, catch it early. If she's beginning an affair, and you have that many years invested, she may be temporarily out of her mind. Women cheat for love and attention -- not that it's ever o.k.

First, see a doctor and get screened for everything. Sit down with her and show her what you have, in the way of evidence. Then ask for an explanation. You really need to walk a fine line between open-mindedness and logic. It might not hurt to have an independent ear to help you deicpher some of it. If she's cheating, don't think you're going to wipe anything away with an apology. Dealing with an extramarital affair is a long process. There's dispute on whether full recovery is even possible. You don't "owe' her your forgiveness if she has cheated.

Answer 5

So, why haven't you confronted her? Stop being a mouse, and confront her. Don't accuse her, but if it is obvious that she is beginning an affair, then YOU need to accept that she is, and do NOT believe her lies, and tell her that she needs to be honest with you. Tell her that you will NOT live that way. She will try to say that YOU drove her to it, but if you believe that, then you have an even bigger problem. Confront her. Give her a choice. If you can forgive her, then forgive her all the way. But, if you cannot, then get out of it. You deserve better, don't you? Well, don't you?

Answer 6

I would try to work things out, you've been thru so much in 21 years. Counselling would be a good start but don't expect too much from it, it's pretty much a sounding board with a mediator! Check her cell phone bills and think about times she would have available to even meet this person. I'd take the computer away!

Answer 7

If you haven't confronted her about it yet, you should do so immediately. Do you have kids that are possibly old enough and could have signed on with her account? If you've already talked about this with her and are 100% sure it's what you think it is then yes, I would probably file for divorce because she's being unfaithful. I'm sorry but good luck.

Answer 8

How about talking with her about it and trying, calmly, to find out what is going on - and, more importantly, WHY it is going on ? What is she missing - what does she feel like she needs that she is not getting within the marriage ? What do the two of you need to work on with each other ? What you have found does not bode well for your marriage, but it also does not necessarily spell the end of it for you. It is the symptom of the problems, not the problem itself. You need to find the problem itself and see if it can be worked on and solved rather than divorcing over the symptom alone.

Answer 9

make sure you know whats going on, but none the less it seems secretive.rather than being silent and holding an angry grudge just find a way to bring it up. and after all 21 yrs is a long time, you obviously love eachother and have what it takes to make a marriage work. it may not be what you think it is. but good luck anyway and God bless.

Answer 10

If you know for a fact that she has done these things, then get rid of her, on the other hand, if it is just talk, then maybe you should do some talking and find out what her problem is and what the two of you need to do to fix what is wrong.

Answer 11

Confront her first. Find out if the IM's really mean anything or not. If so, only you can decide what to do with the marriage. Personally, if I have invested 20 years I would do everything in my power to fight and win her back.

Best of luck to you!