A question for those married to the same spouse for at least 10 years. What is your advise to Newly marrieds?

Question

From the pitfalls you experienced, what have you learnt and applied to avoid such pitfalls in future? Are there any axioms which 1. husbands 2. wives can follow right from the begining so that their marriage will last until death of a spouse in reasonably happy peaceful and harmonius relationship?Let your answers cover every stage (eg honeymoon, early settlement, period of adjustment, begetting a child, division of labour, settling children, theit education, growing old gracefully) and every conceivable situation ( joys, sorrows, shifting to a new house or city, in-law problems, finance division) of married life. Answer whereever you found that the solution you arrived at can equally be applied to all the marriages.

Answer 1

you're asking a lot... is this some kind of homework you want others to research for you? there are very few guidelines for a happy marriage because all people and situations are different but from experience of over 20 years' marriage i would say that the lack of communication, respect, support and affection are the main ingredients for an unhappy marriage... if both husband and wife use these liberally then they should be able to cope with, and survive, all situations that life throws at them

Answer 2

Communication is HUGE. Learn to talk to your spouse, keep up the communication, and be a good listener.

learn how to fight fair. Tell him how YOU feel, not what he does wrong (that feels like an attack to him and will only make him less likely to listen). If your husband walks out in the middle of an argument, by god, do NOT follow him. He's doing that to keep the peace, b/c he's angry and afraid he'll say something he'll regret. He'll come back later when he's calm.

Never assume your spouse knows how you feel. TELL THEM. Show your husband every once in a while (like once a week) that he still means the world to you.

Which leads me to, don't let everything else come before your relationship, and that includes the kids. The family is important yes, but without a marriage, there IS no family. I'm still trying to get my husband to see this one. He's coming around though.

Don't give up. This is a big one and what has honestly saved our marriage. We knew going into this that we're in this for the long haul. For us, divorce is not even an option. It means that we're willing to really work on the issues that pop up, not just throw our hands up in the air and go, "well that's it then, we can't solve this, might as well just get a divorce."

Marriage isn't easy. Expect it to be exactly the opposite that nice little fairy tale you'd like it to be. It will NOT be like it is in the movies. You're going to have to wash his underwear and deal with him when he's got the equivelent of PMS and there will be days when you're positive you cannot stand this man (you'll get over it). lol

Don't be attached at the hip. Give each other some space and learn to be seperate from your spouse.

Be supportive of your spouse's hobbies, the things he likes, even if they don't suit your taste. I'm not entirely sure my husband doesn't see my writing (I write romance novels) as a fluffy fantasy, but he knows it's important to me and therefore supports it. I hate that he's into cars and racing and go faster; it terrifies me. But he loves it, it's a big part of who he is.

And through all of the stress, don't forget you love that person, don't forget to make time for each other, even if it's only a half hour of cuddling in front of the TV at night after the kids go to bed.

I'm sorry, I can't give you the little details about the period of adjustment and all that. It's just not that cut and dry, because every marriage will as unique as the individuals. I can only give you what works for me and my husband. My marriage hasn't been a fairy tale. We got married when our now oldest son was a year old. We didn't have a honeymoon, and I'm not entirely sure he didn't marry me b/c he felt he had to, and there has been times over the years where I seriously wondered if we'd make it one more year. Yet here we still are and I can honestly tell you I love him more now than I ever have and I know simply by the look in his eyes that he feels the same.

Bottom line? Be willing to make it work at all costs and don't be afraid to show your love.

Answer 3

The most important two things are this, your spouse should be your very best Friend in the world who you can share everything with even your most intimate secrets. The second part is this, love each other like there will be no tomorrow. After children come along, it takes both of you to make it work. You will both be tired and a little irritable, but if you continue to do special little things for each other and to share in the responsibilities equally, you will survive. Also, BOTH of you need to put alot of effort and energy into your children and listen to them and be there for all their school functions. For the husband, help with the chores. If your wife is tired all the time, your sex life will suffer and the arguing will start. If your wife is tired all the time, she will not have the energy for a healthy sex life. Remember the part about love? If you both truly love each other, all of these things will come easy to you.

If you do argue, do not go to bed without an apology or some sort of reconciliation. Agree to disagree if you need to. Don't get overextended financially. This causes problems. If you cannot afford it, save up until you can. Money issues cause alot of problems too. For the husband, do not stay late after work drinking with the boys. After a while, she will wonder if you are having an affair. For rhe wife, I wouldn't do many "girls night out" things either. It also causes jealousy. Share in the kitchen duties too. If she cooks, the husband should clean up and vice versa. Both of you clean the house together. Doing all these things and sharing duties shows the other person that you do love and care for them.

I say good luck to you and wish you a happy, healthy, loving married life together.

Answer 4

Have been married 10 years, gone through awful, controlling mother in law, death of 3 parents between us, 2 kids (now aged 9 and 6), several house moves, including moving away from everything we knew to start over, serious financial hardship, differing faith beliefs at the 5 year mark (I became a Christian), and recently one affair (not mine). We are still together. The best advice I can offer, and believe me I've heard it all, is to find out each other's needs, and make the needs of your partner more important than your own. If you BOTH do this, you will get your needs met and find immense joy in meeting your spouses' needs too. This link will show you where to start. The old advice is also helpful, ie don't go to sleep with an argument unresolved. I will send a prayer up too for you!

Answer 5

1. Be Yourselves DO NOT try and change each other.

2. Talk is good but Pick the right time to talk Don't slam each other with the family budget right after you walk in from a long day.

3. Put up with the in-laws they aren't going anywhere.

4. Say you are sorry when you are wrong.

5. When you have kids always make time for each other. You are lying to yourself if you say there is no time.

6. Share the money but every once in a while buy something for yourself.

7. If you lose a loved one just being ther and shutting up is the best. You just need a shoulder to cry on.

8. Quality time with the family is good, but some some of the best quality time happens on accident.

9. Pick One night a week you each go out with friends and stick to it.

10. You are going to argue just don't let it get out of hand.

11. When you sway from this list. Make sure you get back on track. Hey your only Human!

Answer 6

I agree with the communication answer, it is a very big thing. You must talk to each other, if you have any problems, tell each other them and sort them out together because together you are much stronger, never let the kisses and hugs slide and when you have children, don't put the child before your relationship. I have seen this many times that as soon as the baby comes along the man gets pushed aside - you need to create a balance with children and your relationship. Trust each other make decisions together but still have your own identity and above everything else, enjoy your lives together. Sit down and discuss each of your goals and what you each what from the marriage. Heres to a happy and succesful marriage, cheers.

Answer 7

Boy, you have covered all the bases with this question. I can honestly say that you have gotten a lot of good answers. Remember, first that marriage is not 50/50. Both spouses have to give 100% to the marriage. Some general things I have found to be helpful are:
*Never even consider "divorce" as a possible solution to your problem, whatever the problem (exception: abuse)
*Don't let anything be more important than nurturing your relationship with each other.
*Sex is very important. Learn to please each other.
*Everybody goes through times when things aren't great, or even wonder what they ever saw in each other. Just hold on, you'll remember shortly (usually only lasts a few days really.)
*Pregnancy can be a beautiful time for both of you. Make it an educational experience for both of you. Learn about moods, etc and prepare yourself for them, maybe even plan ahead how wife wants to handle it. (be prepared this may change). Definately do childbirth classes...you'll learn a lot no matter how you end up delivering.
*Raising kids is hard sometimes. Even if you don't agree, don't disagree in front of kids. Talk about it later. Don't let kids get between you. They need both of you!
*Avoid financial problems if you can by minimizing credit usage, keep an emergency fund. Start at least small savings for kids as they are born, if possible payroll or auto bank deductions & you'll be glad you did. (LIVE WITHIN YOUR MEANS!!) We really buy buy buy nowadays and end up with so much we don't need. THE LOVE OF MONEY is the root of all evil, (not money as many believe.)
*Under no circumstances allow yourselves to be in the situation where you can be unfaithful. Don't even flirt with others.
*Honor each other in word and deed. Avoid the temptation to join in when others "spouse bash". Don't tease or degrade your spouse in front of others unless you KNOW s/he will think its funny. Man bashing is a favorite and socially acceptable practice these days that I think is harmful and we should just not do it!
*If you hurt each others feelings, say your sorry in words and actions.
*Love really is blind. As you grow old together, don't see each others expanding waistline, receding hairline, graying, drooping, etc. Before corrective lenses aging eysight took care of that, now we try to fix it, so we have to intellectually make up for it!!!

Answer 8

Never, ever hide anything from each other, this includes illness, bills, family worries, work and everyday worries, always sit down everyday to talk to each other about what is a worry to each of you, don't insult his/her family, you wouldn't expect that of them, don't try to change them, you loved them for what they were before marriage why change them afterwards, always agree on important things, don't do things behind their back like buying a new suite or booking a family holiday, those things are a joint decision, instead of nagging talk about what it is that's annoying you, do your share of the housework and learnt to cook so you can both take turns at it, just because your married doesn't mean you have to stop showing you care, buy a silly little impulsive gift now and again, always tell each other you love each other every day and say it like you mean it and not as an afterthought, lastly never ever let the sun go down on an argument, even if your not the one in the wrong, just say sorry, sometimes waiting until the next day can be too late, everything just comes with love, time and experience like it will for you too, be happy and remember to share your feelings and talk, 22 years of very happy marriage has taught me to show as much respect to my husband as I would expect from him, good luck.

Answer 9

One common misstep that you see in this forum, is people asking how to talk to their spouses. I have never held anything back from my husband and vice versa. We are each others confidant and best friend, there is no uncharted territory, I am not afraid of his reaction to anything. Open and honest communication is the key. You should always feel like you can be yourselves and not be punished for it. I think so many things can be weathered just by being able to talk to your lover. Also, don't fight over money! I have friends and we are occasionally guilty of when money get s tight, you can really pick on each other. Unite! You are a team, sometimes someone is going to give more, sometimes someone is going to take more, but make sure it is balanced. Be friends. Be honest. Be kind.

Answer 10

Love each others bodies, accept that we all change and age.

And... these rules are on our wall:

RULES FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE

1) Never be angry at the same time.
2) Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.
3) If one of you has to win an argument let it be the other one.
4) If you have to criticize, do it lovingly.
5) Never bring up mistakes of the past.
6) Neglect the whole world rather than one another.
7) Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled.*
8) At least, once everyday, try to say one kind complimentary
thing to your partner.
9) When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it
and ask for forgiveness.