What should I do about my good husband?

Question

My husband is a very good person. He has a good job, he helps with the kids, he fixes car, homes. He is very prudent with money. He is always home on time. He would eat whatever is there without demanding. He helps with chores...He does everything except ...sex.

We come from a family tradition where sex is something that should be kept under wrap. I don't have anyone to talk to and I know I will not have support about the problem. Counseling is out of the question.

We have been married for over 20 years. The kids had left for college. What should I do? Should I leave too?

Answer 1

You need to tell him you need more from him than responsibility and a paycheck. You need to tell him you need to be touched and feel beautiful and wanted and loved by him, right now you don't feel beautiful, loved and wanted by him.

He needs to know up front, your marriage of otherwise 20 wonderful years could be in jeopardy if he doesn't start stepping up to the plate on the one responsibility he seems to be neglecting. Make sure you make eye contact and he knows you mean business. Be careful of your bluntness, so you will not come across as attacking his man hood. But he does need to know you have needs that are not being met. By him and yourself a copy of the book entitled,"The 5 Love Languages" by renowned Christian author and Psychiatrist Dr. Gary Chapman.

After 20 years, you owe it to yourselves to be honest and open to one another. But don't just up and leave. give him a chance to do better. I hope I have helped in some way.

Answer 2

You are not young anymore. We see a wonderful husband here. Is sex still so important to you.

Why don't just find a part-time job as a hooker. Perhaps you will find some sexual satisfaction there, get tamed a bit, and hopefully that bit of sexual attention would help you make the wise decision to keep your husband after all.

Maybe you are like a limp fish, or maybe you smell?

Or you don't take good care of yourself and you are so unattractive and unpleasant that being such a wonderful man, he hates to tell you so. He doesn't want to make you embarrassed.

Maybe you should be glad that after all you still have a husband!

Look into the mirror and ask if any man would have you, and if the answer is yes, ask yourself if any will keep you for another 20 years! Use a rubber if you must. You sound like an itchy over the hill desperate housewife!

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Answer 3

I saw that you got a lot of excellent answers already. There are just two things I would like to add. First of all, I noticed that the word "love" doesn't appear anywhere in your message. Good, prudent, on time, yes, but love? So what happened to love? Is it still to be found in your marriage? I have also noticed that you say that "he doesn't do sex". Hon, it takes (at least) two people to do sex. Do you do sex? With yourself, with him? Do you WANT him? I'm sure that if he would be on Answers, he would post the exact same question. Listen, your man sounds like such a sweet thing, I personally would be all over him. I'm sure he's really sexy and hot too, especially after all those years without getting any. Hey, never mind those silly family traditions. Ride that man of yours like a wild buck, girl!

Answer 4

you are doing the same old things day in day out, he looks down the road and see's the same thing. He's probably depressed, this is a big sex killer for men and women.

You need to break up the same old daily routines
Go on a date, go out to dinner occasionally, see a movie, dancing
go on a vacation together. you both deserve it. you have accomplish a lot, and should be rewarded.
it's no fun doing work and not getting a thanks or a pat on the back.
Start off small, tell him he looks great, when was the last time you told him he makes you sexy, or whisper in his ear at an outing or shopping or any ware "your horny".
When was the last time, you were together, and caressed each other. Your skin is the biggest sex organ.
Tell him you want to take a shower together, or a bath, have him help you get dressed or help him get dressed.
he'll at first may think you are strange, but tell him, you want to make him feel good for all the wonderfully things you done, and want to have some fun and change in our lives

Have fun, and take it slow.

Answer 5

There's no quick solution to this. He will have to change his attitudes about lovemaking. You didn't mention if he is religious or not. Even if he isn't, his family may have been. Some religious people have very repressed attitudes about sex. I put a link to a website that may help.

The good news is that he has been a good husband otherwise and probably wants to continue to be a good husband and to make you happy. Given his upbringing, he may have some trouble changing, but if you tell him what you need, he will probably want to give you what you need.

Have you tried to work on it at all? Have you explained your needs? Do you initiate lovemaking? What would happen if you climbed in the shower or bath with him? Or, what would happen if you gently seduced him one evening? If you asked him to make love and he demurred, what would happen if you masturbated?

You may feel uncomfortable talking with a man about this, but if you are willing, I am willing. You can click my profile and use the "contact" link to message me.

By the way, if he won't go to counseling, you can still talk with a sex therapist yourself.

Answer 6

is sex more important to u than having him. u r a lucky woman to have a husband who helps u around the house. its a basic need i know but maybe he has a medical problem and is not letting u know. talk to ur family doc and see if he can take viagra, if he doesnt want to then use a vibrator, talk to him and see what the problem is, being together for so long is an accomplishment, i am sure u guys can talk and work it out some how. but if u dont love him and u guys have just become friends and nothing more and the love is vanished then leave him and have fum with other guys. but honestly i would say try ur best to save this marriage first,

Answer 7

WOW! Your marriage sounds like mine. Only, without the traditional sex under wraps thing. At least, not on my side.
We have been married 21 years, and I finally just decided I've had it....no sex life in 13 years, and I finally just found out the reason why. Won't go into that....IM me if you wanna talk about this more.
Anyway, I am making the break within the next couple of months and he knows. He is actually acting pretty decent to me since I told him, so luckily, this should turn out to be pretty easy for us. The kids, however, are another story....and I worry about that aspect. However, we have but one life to live...and we deserve better!

Answer 8

It looks like your are in dire need of some missed-out exotic escapades, ok tell u what u have to do is get a couple of young eligible hunks and get together for group sex - u being the only female. Ensure they fill up any available hole u got on u at the same time! - don't let ur hubby know this. then u'll have a great hubby at home and a fulfilled sex life. Goodluck.

Answer 9

Sex and the empty nest.. Perhaps you need to work on seducing him more. Screw the under wraps stuff. Do him on the kitchen table when he walks in from work. Get serious about it. Go on dates. You don't have kids in the house, you could romp every night. habits are something that can be broken by actions.

You all have been in the habit of behaving yourselves with kids around the house. Now the kids are out, start instigating fun!!

Answer 10

Why is counseling out of the question? Does he know you are not satisfied? Is your communication with him good?

How are your feelings towards him? Do you love him? Do you want to love/be in love with him?

I would be faithful and love my wife till death even if today she told me we would never have sex again. Yes there would need to be a reason but if she had a medical condition or some reason to never be able to have sex again, I would still love her and respect her and be faithful to her. (yes I would mastur bate to relieve my sexual tension)

SO, what is the deal? First why is he not satisfying you and does he know he is not satisfying you? Second what are your feelings/intentions do you love him and will you stay with him if he does not satisfy you sexually!

Answer those questions and you will have the answer to your question!

Good luck!