My husband lied to me about who he really was. I mean huge lies. He told me that he was injured in Iraq (he was in the navy) but he's never been to Iraq. I think that I want to give him another chanve because we have a son together. My friends and family are telling me to cut all ties. What should I do?
2006-08-28 03:22:21 · 25 answers · asked by angelfsh9 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
My husband left me last September when I was 8 weeks pregnant. He only now wants to try to make it work.
2006-08-28 03:43:58 · update #1
He told me that he lied about things only after I cornered him. He says that he doesn't know why he lied. He also told me that he was married before but his ex died and she is still alive and they have a little girl.
2006-08-28 03:45:03 · update #2
look...there must be a reason he has lied to you. If you have a son together, try and forgive him and start a new life. If God can forgive we are only humans! we can forgive too.
FOrgive him for your sons sake. your family and friends will not go thru hard timeas without your man, it wil be you suffering.
2006-08-28 03:28:35 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Huge lie. And yet you don't seem to know the reason he lied. And I think that is going to be pretty pivotal to what you do here. Telling someone you were in the military service and injured in Iraq shows a pretty strong ignorance of what goes on after such a things happens (combat medal, VA treatment, etc.) -- why on earth would he lie about that ?
You need to find out what he was covering ? Is there an injury involved ? How did he really get that injury ? If there is no injury, then what prompted him to make up such a thing ? What is he hiding? What is does he think he lacks that he has to make up a fictitious military service career ?
Your willingness not to jump to a decision here is quite mature and honorable. You DO have a child to consider - and even if you decided to leave your marriage, because you have a son, you will always be connected to his father - and, at least for the son's first 20 years or so, you will always have to interact with his father, so ....so I am saying that a divorce is not going to really solve this problem completely.
I do think that couples counseling is in order here - and your husband should go to therapy on his own. You all need to find out the source of the lie and - quite honestly, - if anything else is a lie. Going to the souce of the problems is the only way to put your marriage on new footing if that is possible. You have to decide whether you need to stay in the home with him while this is going on or whether you need to move back with your family in this interim period.
There are some considerations on that point - if you move out, then your husband may become so disallusioned that he won't go to therapy. If you stay, on the other hand, he may also refuse to go to therapy --- or not take it seriously --- because you are still in the house. So much depends on your respective personalities. Bottom line here is that you have to be SERIOUS about therapy and convince him that you are serious. If you can do that AND stay in the home, the process will be faster. If you can't convince him that you are serious while staying in the home, then you will have to leave.
I would not, however, make a decision to leave the marriage until you have completed a serious - and lengthy - bout with therapy.
2006-08-28 03:34:21 · answer #2 · answered by two 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's easy for everyone else to tell you what to do. But my question is >> What do YOU want to do? This is Your life we're talking about here. And every desicion You make will affect You more then it will anyone else. If he Only lied about what Branch of Military he was in, then my guess would be he has a Low Self Esteem, hell it's hard telling. You know him better then anyone else does pretty much. What do you want Out of Life? And is this Guy part of the Equation? Providing that He's not an Abusive person. or a Drug user. You know what I'm saying here. There's no Perfect person out there. Just depends on what You want out of Life, ext ext.
2006-08-28 03:52:15 · answer #3 · answered by Kathy W 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have been in your same situation my husband lied about who he was and etc. It has been 8 yrs ago and we are still together but I guess you need to look deep down and decide. It took me a long time to get over it~I did and moved on from it but I am always double checking his stories for everything. You need to think if you really want to do that all the time if not now is the time to get out and start something new. Your son loves his mom and will be fine. :)
2006-08-28 03:34:29 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's time for some relationship counseling for the two of you.
If he is going to help you save the marriage, he has to come completely clean about his whole life. There is a questionnaire that you can each fill out to make the other aware of everything. If you fill it out, he can't really refuse.
If he has lied about being wounded in Iraq, he has almost certainly lied about other things. Don't be surprised at what you read on the form or hear in counseling.
Once you know everything, you can decide how to proceed.
He needs some individual therapy to work on his self-image. People who tell lies like this usually have a very poor self-image. They feel the need to tell stories like this one to make themselves appear better in the eyes of others. (Ironically, it makes them feel worse because they are lying to the ones they love and it actually exacerbates the self-image problem.)
Good luck to you.
2006-08-28 03:33:07 · answer #5 · answered by Otis F 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
cut all ties - I was married to a man for 5 years, and found out that basically everything he told me were lies. Stupid things, things that really made no difference, but all lies. I found out that I didn't even know who he was, and I found that very scary. Get while the gettings good. These guys do not change - they just move on to another target for their lies
2006-08-28 03:28:51 · answer #6 · answered by buggsnme2 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are seriously considering giving him a chance, you should find out what is the reason behind he lied to you in the first place. Sit down and talk to him & listen with empathy, likewise tell him about your concern of the relationship. Tell him your expectation of a truthful relationship. If the reason is not acceptable to you, consider your own future, whether you can cope up with the life ahead, eg emotionally independant from him, financially & psychologically capable of raising a child on your own? But you must understand, if you cannot be happy staying on with him, this may impact the upbringing of your son too.
Talk to counsellors if you need.
2006-08-28 03:44:15 · answer #7 · answered by Rebornie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Marriage .............I mean real marriage
Is hard work .......real hard work .
It's not like a light switch, one day your married and then the next you decide your not.
You need to stay and work a little harder
What about your son, you think he'd agree with leaving his dad ?
What about all the other ties you've made in this relationship ?
Don't just think about your feelings , think about how this change is gonna affect everyone else.
2006-08-28 03:37:05 · answer #8 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he has lied before he will lie again. You can't put yourself or your children through that. If they catch him in a lie then they will loose their respect for him as well. Cut all Ties
2006-08-28 04:16:14 · answer #9 · answered by lindsay g 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
only you can make the choice, leave your family and friends out of this because you culd end up makeing the wrong choice based off of someone else. honesty is the most important thing when it comes to relationships, do whats in your heart and dont look back. good luck
2006-08-28 03:30:32 · answer #10 · answered by charming 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋