how do you learn to trust again after your spouse admits having an affair?

Question

going to be really hard to award on this one because there are several equally good answers. and this just happened yesterday so I cant say for sure how sincere she will be about fixing the problems, but I'm very encouraged by some of the answers. others paint a pretty bleak picture of things. I hope it will go well

Answer 1

Ok, this answer is from a guy who did cheat on his wife. It took her a long time to trust me again, but I've been faithful for 20 years since then. If she loves you and realizes what she stands to lose if you leave her, she'll commit to you more than ever and really repent. At that, you need to trust her (again) to do it. DON'T nag her about where she's going, where she's been, etc. Maybe the best thing to do is to tell her how you are feeling: Insecure? Wonder if she's going to cheat again? Tell her, if she wants your marriage to survive this, then SHE needs to behave in a manner that leaves no room for doubt. If she says she's at work, she should be there. Call you before she leaves and come straight home. At least for awhile. If she's used to having a lot of time to herself (so that she could get away with the affair) then she needs to give that up for awhile (6 months? a year?) until you feel secure again.

If she wants the marriage to survive, there's nothing she won't do for you. What you need to do is put that on her, and then back off and trust. It won't be easy.

Oh, and if the affair was with someone who's still around (she works with, a neighbor, etc) try to find a way that you can afford to remove him from her environment. She may need to change jobs or you may need to move to a different neighborhood. This can be expensive, but only you can decide whether it's needed for you to have confidence in her again.

If she cheats again (and I'd be surprised if she does) then you are done. But at least you can say that you gave it your best.

Pray a lot, too. Pray together if she's willing. It will bring you peace and strength.

Answer 2

Infidelity is normally destructive, and more commonly fatal, to a marriage. But it is feasible to avert permitting infidelity to carry a wedding to an end, Discovering the betrayal and looking ahead to the skills loss of the individual principal in your lifestyles reasons quality distress. Not like the trauma of death, which has an finish and will also be compensated for with the aid of positive factors within the relationship, infidelity undermines all that's excellent within the relationship and the anguish seems to don't have any normal end factor. Even though now not welcomed, dying is to be expected at some point in a wedding. Betrayal is just not. The sufferer of betrayal questions if the partner ever loved them, and if that is so, what they would have done to lose it. It's as if the adulterous partner has thrown dirt within the river of their marriage contaminating the water in the back of them and earlier than them. To get better from trauma, a victim has a traditional tendency to return to the tense experience, questioning, going over important points repetitiously: “What did you do? Where? When? How more often than not?” The traumatized spouse ought to go over the hobbies except the emotional misery induced via them turns into manageable. They have to attain a point where they think there aren't any more surprises. Mostly, the betraying partner wishes to get things over rapidly, after admitting to their infidelity. They must increase empathy for what the betrayed spouse is experiencing, and be inclined to are living with the anguish of guilt, until exact treatment can arise. Furthermore, the betraying spouse may just study anything about them self within the questioning procedure. They'll begin to see their own factors, vulnerabilities, and selfishness. If each spouses can tolerate and manage the feelings involved, they are going to come to a joint understanding of how the infidelity passed off, signaling the starting of a extra monstrous degree of restoration. Recuperation almost always takes 1 to three years. Just right good fortune.

Answer 3

I have to say that all of those who responded that "once a cheater, always a cheater" apparently dont know what they are talking about. It all depends on the person and their willingness to change and move on.
However, I have to say that regaining or rebuilding lost trust is very,very hard to do. I have been with my husband for 7 years now, and while he didn't cheat, he did something just as bad. He was an addict. For five years I lived with the perpetual worry that every time he left the house, he would not return unless he was high. Finally, after a long battle, and our love for each other, he has beaten his problem.
But, still, once in a while, when he leaves the house and doesn't stay in contact, that old worry is still there. It is a matter of faith in the other person. And that other person has to have faith and respect for you also. It is a two-way street. Both of you are going to have to work long and hard to resolve this issue.

Good luck, I hope everything works out.

Answer 4

9 times out of 10, you will never gain the trust back.... Even 6 months or a year down the road if everything is going fine- what will be the first thing on your mind if your spouse is working late, missing for a couple hours, you can't get in touch on the cell phone- the first thing on your mind will be you are being cheated on again. Sometimes couples can bounce back from this and be happier than ever before. I just know that if I personally was dealing with this, it would be very hard to trust ever again. Best of luck with whatever road you decide to take.

Answer 5

Trust is not something that you learn. It's something that is earned. Some people say once and cheater always a cheater, not true. Everyone is human, everyone makes mistakes. It was wrong of her to cheat, very wrong. Hoever, you have to look at how she is now. Is she trying to do better and make up for it. Or do you believe that she doesn't seem to care. You need to go off her actions. If she's tryin to get you to trust her again, then you should try. If she's not, maybe you 2 should talk. The only way to get over the dis trust issue is to go through it. I had to. My husband has tried so hard since he messed him. I love him dearly and I do forgive him. It was hard getting past the trust issue, but we're almost there. He has done alot to prove to me that he's truely sorry and he's tried to earn his trust back. Does she do that? I hope this helps. Good Luck.

Answer 6

The only advice I can give you is on what I went through personally with my hubby he cheated on me last Dec. and I still am having some trust issues but it's getting better what the other party needs to understand is they violated the trust and when that is done it takes a very long time to gain it back!
I suggest that if you are really in love with your mate and believe it can be done then do it! Once you make the decision to forgive and you talk about how it made you feel then you need to let it go and trust in a higher power. Your mate needs to understand that sometimes those feelings will flare up but as long as she/he is openminded to help get through the situation you will work it out. I still have trust issues with my hubby but it is getting better!

Answer 7

That's a hard question, since everybody has different thoughts and feelings. Here's my opinion and yet I only speak for me.
( If anyone is in a relationship that's not going to well and you've tryed everything to fix it, and yet it's still not working. Then be honest and tell your partner that You want out. Don't sneak around and cheat) We're not little kids here, so we Know what we're doing when we make dumb choices like your Spouse Did.)
So there ya go, that's my Opinion.

Answer 8

That's a tough one. I never could trust my ex-husband again. Part of you will always wonder. If you love them enough to deal with feeling that way for the rest of your life, then it may be worth it. It wasn't worth it to me to always wonder what he was doing when he was out of sight. So, we divorced. Maybe your situation will be different, but when someone you love breaks your trust it is very, very difficult, if not impossible, to fix it. Good luck.

Answer 9

You may be able to forgive, but you will never forget. Once that trust has been broken, it is all most impossible to regain There will always be questions in your mind if she is late or goes out with the girls.

Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater

Answer 10

I'd like to tell you how - but I never did. No matter what happened, there was always a lingering doubt as to whether he was telling me the truth. It could have been about anything - and I just couldn't believe him. Good luck