We were young,
We were free,
You and I- best friends forever.
We were at the brink of it all,
We were distraught, yet together,
Blink for a moment, gone in another.
We were five, we were four,
We went different ways,
We reached out but heard only slamming of doors.
We laughed together and tried to clasp hands,
We hesitated and looked away with release,
All the promises vanished, all the smiles disappeared.
We were new to our feelings,
We walked too fast, too quickly,
We lost ourselves on the way reluctantly.
We were an unmatched pair,
We broke down the wall before it came up,
You put it up and blocked me out.
We lost a lot,
But I lost more,
Give me a chance, that’s all I ask for.
2006-08-28 00:27:20 · 9 answers · asked by sacred_90 2 in Education & Reference ➔ Homework Help
thanks Westhill, but i cant add another stanza, its about loosing people and never finding them again...
2006-08-28 00:46:53 · update #1
Great start, but try dropping all the "we were" s; it will sound more like a poem. Then I recommend that you rewrite the last 2 stanzas entirely. Finally I suggest that you include an additional reason to get back together, something compelling and which sounds profound..
I'd write something like this.
young, free,
you and me - friends forever
at the brink of all,
distraught, yet together.
new to our feelings,
too fast, too quickly,
we lost our selves
in a moment,
an unmatched pair
different ways
lost all for nothing.
alone, I have grown
we have grown
let's find our moment again..
2006-08-28 00:37:08 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I liked it, but the phrase, "we were five, we were four," doesn't fit the intended meaning of the poem. The ages are too young, I think.
Chow!!
2006-08-28 10:24:49 · answer #2 · answered by No one 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was with you.
You were with me.
We were together.
You lost me at once.
Then went out with other boys.
you are still the same. Not loyal to me.
But my heart is beating. For you. For you.
I dreamed you last night. You were with me.
With me, with me.
You cried for me I cried for you.
What happened for us? What happened for us?
Am kissing you. Am kissing you.
2006-08-28 07:44:17 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is a poem about being together
2006-08-28 07:34:51 · answer #4 · answered by janu 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its great!!!!!!!!!!! a bit depressing, but if thats what your going for........is it poetry or a song? i'm a singer and im going to try setting it to music, dont worry i wont say its my own........lol
contact me if you write anymore......
2006-08-28 10:22:13 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think it's very sweet...you have a great future
2006-08-28 07:33:51 · answer #6 · answered by KingRichard 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its a good portry
poetry
2006-08-28 07:48:32 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
separated twins...?
2006-08-28 07:33:12 · answer #8 · answered by lady_jenna802 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
too much of " we "
2006-08-28 07:29:59 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋