Abusive relationship?

Question

I think one of my best friends is in an emotionally (and possibly verbally) abusive marriage. I've brought this to her attention and she said that so have other people. She's not stupid and a feminist so she knows about these circumstances but somehow didn't recognize them in her own situation. Anyhow, she says she's not ready to leave and I can tell that she's still in love with her husband. I know that it's NOT physically abusive, nor will it ever reach that point. But I just don't know what to do. She's confused about what to do because she still loves him and things seem to be happy between them sometimes. I don't know what to do or what to tell her. Should I try to convince her to leave (they've been married for five years and dated 4 years before that)? Should I suggest counseling? Neither of us know what to do. Please help!

Answer 1

That is a tough situation .. a lot of women that are in a abusive relationship don't leave for fear. First make sure she knows that you are there, no matter what to support her through this situation. Find moments that you two can really talk about what is really going on. If you feel she is being abuse, there are many safe houses and taken her to one to see may help. Do suggest counseling for her self, a lot of times when you are abused you do not have any self worth or value. It may help her wake up.. but if you think she is in any immediate danger call the police.

Hope things are well . .

Hugs Mel - Loving Memory of my son, our angel Zachary Aug 2, 2006

Answer 2

I am in a similar situation. I consider myself very feminist and a very out spoken woman when it comes to women's rights. I'm a lesbian in a lesbian relationship that is both verbal and physically abusive. I have no idea why I stay because it's not like I depend on her or need her for anything.

I never understood why someone would remain in an abusive relationship and now that I am in one I still don't understand. Tell her to get counseling first to see if that helps the relationship at all. If it doesn't than try to make her realize for her own good she should leave.

Answer 3

Love is Blind is so true. There is not a lot anyone can do. Until your friend decides she has had enough, then no-one can convince her to leave. What happens in any abusive relationship, the victim, your friend, loses confidence, and starts to believe the things the abuser is saying, therefore anyone contemplating leaving their abusive partner have a lot of issues to sort out. Usually, in this sort of relationship, the abuser will make threats, so not only has the victim lost her confidence, she is also afraid of what he may do if she does leave. Abusive relationships are one of the hardest to deal with. Emotional Abuse is just as bad as physical abuse...all abuse degrades a person...it strips them of their rights. The only thing you can do for your friend is to be there for her....She needs someone who she feels she can talk to without being judged. No-one likes to be thought of as stupid, and the more you push her to leave this man, the more you are pushing her underground where she will feel that she cannot talk to you. Just be there for her as hard as it is to watch, no-one can change this situation but her.

Answer 4

Counseling will help, emotional abuse can be worse than physical, the bruises can heal the mind is not so easy....you cant make her leave or change her mind or anything else, only she can help herself...suggest a counselor even locate a good one and give her the name and address but then you have to back off or you will make it worse for her and possible lose her friendship if her husband decides to make her choose then she will be in real trouble while she has a good friend like you she has hope.

Answer 5

Any Abuse is NOT love!!! Get your friend some help, talk to her tell her verbal and emotional abuse eventually turnes into physical. It takes two people to make a marriage work if her husband has a problem she needs to open up and tell him he needs to go to counsling with her, if he doesn't go he doesn't care and will eventually hurt her and destroy her well being and god only knows what else. The longer she stays the harder it will be to leave.

Answer 6

Yes - I would definately suggest counseling. I was in a physically and mentally (verbally) abusive relationship for a long time that I ended up having to get out of and like your friend I wasn't "that girl" - I never would have thought I would have stuck around for one second.

I would totally tell her that you care about her and want to see her happy and even him happy and that this is not how she has to feel and that it can get better. Why not - you are her friend and it is great that you care about her. I wouldn't tell her to let him go though - that is her choice even though it may seem like the right one to you - which I understand - you don't want to see her suffer but they have to fix this and more importantly, they have to want to fix it. I would suggest it - it couldn't hurt, right? :o)

Answer 7

One of my friends is in a similar situatation, thought she hasn't been in it as long as your friend. She's been dating her boyfriend for going on 3 years, they have a child together, and found out about 3 months ago that he cheated on her and the women he cheated on her with gave birth to his daughter a month ago. She did move and they broke up, but even though they are not living together, she decided to get back together with him.. There's lots more to the story but all in all. She's a women that doesn't have selfconfidence in herself because of her weigth. And i think she's with him becuase he was willing to be with her.

She not willing and ready to let go of that. My friends and I have tried for the past two years to get her to leave him, and i have come to accept what my husband has been telling me. She will not leave until she is ready and willing to. And no amount of pushing, telling, and yelling on our part will change that. She will have to completely fall, before she will ever pick herself up. And that so very sad.

I know this sounds very depressing. But keep staying by her side, and be there for her, It's really hard to do. But you can't make her until she's willing to. There's a reason why she's staying, if you can figure out what it is, maybe you can figure out how to help her get out.

Good luck and be strong for her too :)

Answer 8

I would suggest counselling. It is useless to suggest she leaves the guy because when one is still in love, and as you say, sometimes they are happy, it is difficult to accept that there is a problem. Show her that you care and give her your support in whatever decision she might take.

Answer 9

She just needs to speak up and exercise some character, since it's not physically abusive. Do NOT encourage her to leave, or to get "counseling" from some egghead.

I repeat: DO NOT GET "COUNSELING"! Those guys are not qualified.

Answer 10

love has its twists and turns..

if your bestfriend has been staying with her husband for five years already, i think she knows what's best for her.. besides, you said that it won't reach to physical abuse so let her live with it until she finally figures out what's the best thing to do.. i think she loves him so much to stay in that relationship and i think she's matured enough to make her decide on her own..

don't worry too much.. let har stand on her situation to avoid too much confusion on her part.. but remember to be with her when she calls out for help.