My father is unbearable. I can't deal with him anymore. Some advice please?

Question

My father is the most miserable man I've ever met in my life. He hates everything and is always in a bad mood. He will always take a stranger's back over his own family. He treats my mother like crap. He works like a maniac, but always complains about money because he has way too many things that he can't afford.

I try to stay out of his way and not aggravate him. He hates my boyfriend just because he's Mexican. My boyfriend is a good guy, respectful, and a hard worker. But my father just focuses on the Mexican part. He made a big scene today because my boyfriend and I are going to a baseball game with my sisters, brother, and sister's boyfriend later this month. He thinks I shouldn't have invited him to go and that I should have taken my other sister's husband (who I hate) instead. Everytime my boyfriend comes over my father gives him dirty looks and makes racist comments.

I can't take it anymore! I'm 18 now, I should be allowed to make my own decisions.

Please help.

I have a job I can't really afford my own place. And I don't want to move in with my boyfriend. He lives with his brother and brother's girlfriend, I think. I'm starting college in January though, so I'll be moving out then.

Answer 1

I'm guessing your father has a lot of anger that he doesn't know how to handle. His rage feeds his need for stuff, then feeds his anger over putting himself in that situation. He lashes out at your boyfriend because he's a convenient target. He also has that different ethnicity etcetera to use as a weapon. You are 18, and in some states, that's old enough to leave. Are you working? Is your boyfriend still living at home? If you focus on the process of moving out, start looking for a place, and a job that pays enough, and work towards being independent, eventually your father will not have control. You are also pushing his buttons. If your boyfriend aggravates him so, you are not going to magically change your father by forcing him to be in the same room with your boyfriend, and I can't believe your boyfriend wants to be in a room with your father making those kind of remarks. The question is,

"Should your dad be acting this way?"

The answer is No.

The next question is

"Are you going to change the way he feels?"

Again the answer is No.

As long as your father can push your buttons about this, he has control. It's time for you to see your future, and not worry about what your father sees. He'll either come around, or he won't. You are not going to fix him until he wants it himself.

Good Luck

Answer 2

If you and your father have that many problems and you are 18, it may be time for you to move out. He sounds depressed and like whatever he does it just will never be enough. He should take an antidepressant or see a therapist but I am sure he is stubborn too so that wouldn't work.

You just have to worry about how you feel about ur bf. Everyone has their own predjudices so he has his - everyone has something - some form of it. If I dated a black guy my dad would have freaked but I just never wanted to. As long as you are happy, don't try to convince him of anything else. It must be hard but you have to be happy with your life - no one else in the end.

Maybe you and he should go elsewhere - it is his house and one way or another - good or bad, his rules so unfortunately he can do as he wants and say what he wants.

If you can - start looking for another place and try to sit down with him and talk to him face to face calmly about all of this -- maybe with ur mom in a way that is not attacking him but more like- when you do this, I feel like this. See if your family would be willing to go to family therapy - would help for sure.

Answer 3

A lack of personal hygiene, not caring about how you dress, drinking and getting fat are all classic signs of a person suffering from Depression. There is a HUGE difference between gaining weight during a pregnancy, and just "letting one's self go." Your husband's problems originate in his head, and his external appearance is a reflection of his internal unhappiness. He needs to see a therapist, and possibly get on an anti-depressant for a short time. Exercising would also help a lot.

Answer 4

Get a full time job and get your own apartment. Attitudes dont change unless something else changes. Usually parents become alot closer once their kid has moved out. Then you stop being a kid to them and they will be forced to see your growing up. If you can get into college. Pick a college that requires you to be away. If you get your own apartment, try to get another girl room-mate to share the expense. Dont move in with your boyfriend. That will make your dad irrate. Of course your bf w/ come over, but dont let him move in. With your new independence you probily will be more intimate on your own. This is a time to make sure you are using good methods of Birth Control. You dont want to have your youth robbed from you by early parenthood. Live alittle have fun and enjoy your youth and be responsible. There is plenty of time to grow up later. My parents never treated my opions and wishes with any respect until I did not live in their house anymore.

Answer 5

Its obvious to see that your father has issues. Has anyone stopped to see exactly what it could be? Sometimes its not always about ourselves and what we expect to see in a person or want from them. Your father needs you right now and you cant seem to see through all of that emotional turmoil. Too much judgement can blind the real matter at hand. Try to help him rather than judge him. Life is too short, he will be on this earth today, but who knows where he will be tomorrow?. It will be too late to say " DAD, I LOVE YOU AND AM HERE FOR YOU IF YOU NEED ME" and really mean it if you keep wasting time. Parents are far from perfect and like a child, they need to know and feel that someone cares.

Answer 6

you can make your own decision try and get you a goos descent job and move out your father needs help so go ahead and look into some affordable apartments and take one step at a time . You will be ok i promise

Answer 7

Yes you're 18 and can make your own decisions. Get two jobs, save money like crazy. Move out.

Answer 8

tell him straight up

"dad i am fed up with you! i am 18 and deserve to make up my own descisions now. u shouldnt be racist against my b/f because as a legal 18 united resident i have all rights to sue u. i am pretty sure i am not the only one to feel like this either. just ask the person that u call your 'wife'."

i would tell him this if i was u

Answer 9

first off, calm down.....

i hated my parents too. i think everyone did at some point (and some still do!)! just calm yourself...your 18 and you COULD move out if you wanted to. i wouldnt tell you move in with him...DONT, in fact - that will ruin everything. respect your parents wishes and get a book on getting people to do what you want - not manipulation - but "selling" an idea to people. you could read and and use it on your dad....ya know...give him what he wants and then he in turn gives you what you want, its WIN/.WIN!... I think theres some books out there in the "Personal growth" section. You can make it through this, i promise!!

Answer 10

You may be 18 but you have got to get out on you own,and get out from him before any more of that rubs off on you,you don't want to be that kind of a person,that's no way to live,grump all the time.