anyother women out there witha "monster in law?"?

Question

i have a monster in law whom i cannot stand. my husband will not stand up for me, she emialed me some nasty letters saying how she didnt like my parenting, and i was a bad mother. my husband refuses to stand up for me. she keeps coming over and asking questions..i dont know what to do. ive told her how i feel, and she refuses to listen. im to the point where i hate her

not to mention she treats my daughter like crap, my daughter was 8 mths old when i entered my relationship with my husband. and yes he knows about the whole thing

Answer 1

Kill her with kindness. She probably feels useless due to empty nest syndrome. She has nothing to do, no hobbies or friends? Tell her you appreciate her "advice" but in the end, it's your house, your rules. Block her email addy. Why are you bothering to read her emails to you? Is granny really internet savvy?

Sounds like she has really nothing to do. Have pity on her.

Unless of course the MIL is paying for the roof over your head. Then you're at her mercy until you and your man gain enough money to get the heck outta there and on your own. Your MIL is your man's mother and while showing respect is fine, the MIL can complain all she wants. Nod and smile at her like she's a ranting two year old and keep telling her you appreciate her advice.

Your husband already knows your displeasure, correct? Well, you will have to sit down and decide whether you will continue to let yourself be affected by this woman. This woman seems to have a lot of power in your home and is a major point of discussion. Stop wasting your breath. She comes into your house again, without a word, pick up the biggest butcher knife and start chopping loudly away at any veggie you can find. She'll get the hint and leave.

Answer 2

Dr. Susan Forward has a good book called "Toxic In-Laws." Maybe you can get a copy through your library. You can read an excerpt online at amazon.com--look in the left column below the author's name where it says "Search inside this book." Hopefully you will be able to get a copy of the book and this will give you a first step to know that you are not alone in this problem. Best of luck.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060507853/103-0259896-5200634?v=glance&n=283155

Answer 3

I've got the monster in law from hell!! Believe me, when the kids came along, it only got worse. I finally had to throw her out of my house one day because she told my husband (her son) to sit down and keep his mouth shut. She started in on me and I let her have it. I told her that if she didn't have anything nice to say to me or to her son then she could leave and not EVER come back. She walked out. Unfortunately, she came back. She had to learn her boundaries and unless you and your husband set them and stick to them no matter what she will continue to run you over. I don't believe I will ever get completely along with mine and I still dispise her for things that have been said and done, but we can be in same room and have a conversation without wanting to punch her face in. It has only taken 10 years...
You need to tell her face to face with your husband and father in law that you will no longer allow her to treat you this way, that you are by no means the perfect parent but neither was she. You will have to tell her that you will learn by mistakes just the way she did. Tell her that when you want advice you will ask for it, until then she needs to mind her own business and keep her opinions to herself. Tell her that you are keeping the nasty emails in a safe place to show to the lawyer when you file for divorce. Tell your husband that if he has no respect and does not care for you and love you enough to stand up to his mother then he is not the man you thought he was maybe you made a mistake (this is to get everyone thinking about the situation, you don't have to follow through with this unless you feel it is necessary). Tell them you will not be treated this way any longer. I did this and it worked to a certain point (by the way, the father in law had no idea all of this was going on). She left me alone. The revenge will actually come later on for you but will not be quite as sweet as you hoped it would be, it will break your heart. What will happen later is that as time goes by and the kids grow up they will start to see the way grandma treats you. They will see that she talks to you mean or that she treats you badly. My experience is that my kids learned by the age of 3 or 4. Seem early? Yes, but kids are very observant. Mine understand that grandma will not watch them and they do not get to spend the night with her and they have accepted that in their own way. They see that she watches their cousins. They asked questions at first and I said she didn't feel good, now I have told them to ask her. She is now reaping the consequences of what she sowed years ago. When she does ask my kids to stay the night, they now say that they would rather go home with mommy and daddy. :) I am glad but then I am sad too. Sad for the kids. Just keep pluggin, live each day, enjoy every minute of the kids lives and ignore her (or avoid her) the best you can. The one thing you must do is get your husband to see your side of the fence if he doesn't, you will start to resent him and things will go down hill quickly. Best of luck!!

Answer 4

your husband is weak...if he doesnt stand up to his mother then i see no future for you together...my mpnster in law put me thru 21 yrs of hell...no matter what I did it or said it was never the right thing...eventually after 21 yrs my husband put his foot down and told his mother where to go....we moved far away and are much happier now

Answer 5

You can't change HER behaviour but you do have the means to change YOUR behavour.

You may not win the battle but you can win the war!

First of all acknowledge that she may not really be the mother in law from hell! she loves her son and so do you, there you have this in common!

Secondly, she possibly loves your children very much!

Thirdly, she may really feel she needs to be needed! She is possibly miserable because she may feel she has no purpose anymore, so give her some.

So! If your husband will not separate from his mother's apron strings, tell him so!

You need to communicate to him in a loving manner that his mother is causing you grief. Ask him to be a man, be your husband, be the children's daddy and support their mother.(you) You will be in his life for a lot longer than she has left!

Then you become HER FRIEND!!! yes, I said become her friend!!!. You need to be the one to make the changes as no one else will okay?

You go to her and very softly and gently ask her to come out to lunch with you, your husband is paying so take her someplace of HER choosing (then she can't complain about your bad taste)

Then when you are lunching, (eat humble pie) tell her that you have been feeling overwhelmed by her loving concern, that you have at times felt resentful and that you want to be on good terms with her.

Ask her how she got along with HER mother in law?

Tell her you understand she loves her son, but so do you, and he made an excellent choice in marrying you.

Then tell her you know she loves your children, but you do have different views on parenting, and that is ok .

She did a pretty good job raising your husband, compliment her on a job well done.

Then ASK HER FOR ADVICE!! you don't have to take action of her advice, just ask her to teach you to be a great mother. Tell her you feel that you don't measure up to her, but you want to and you don't like this conflict.

Tell her that you know you are n ot perfect, that you make mistakes but that you are doing the best that you can!

Collect her recepies, let her do stuff for you, invite her to show you how to do this ands that, she will soon get tired of you being so "needy" and will leave you alone or she will become valued by you for the assistance she can give you if only you let her.

. Invite her to come and supervise homework while you prepare dinner or go shopping.
Invite her to come and mind the kids while you and your husband go out to a movie or something. Make her feel that she does have a purpose . You will posibly come home to find she has cleaned out your cupboards and washed your windows but hey! don't complain!

I know some mother in laws are from hell, they are sisters of Satan! but most just feel useless old isolated women who just need to have a place of value in the family. Especially if they are living alone, if their husband has passed away.

Grandchildren generally love being with grandma, as she spoils them .. let her! They soon learn the difference between your rules and grangdma's rules. I don't think any children have ever come to harm from being loved and spoiled by grandma. The relationship your children have with grandma is very important you will benefit if you support this relationship. Because you will be a mother in law and a grandma one day!

Your kids will learn how to treat you, buy observing how you treat her. Don't forget that!

Mother in laws are from a different generation, not from a different planet.( well most of them are) They have successfully raised their children, they had to budget and do things tougher than their daughter in laws and they like to remind you of these facts constantly. They had to fight for the rights that you as a woman enjoy today!

They are very capable women and if you let down your guard and stop seeing her as the enemy you might actually find that you really can become friends with her, and your husband will love you even more for it.

***
I am a mother in law, a daughter in law and a grandmother and a step mother. I do have experience in all these areas and gladly I get on very well with all family members. I learnt what not to do by observing friends make BIG mistakes. "It pays to mentally step into someone elses shoes and see how they fit!"

Answer 6

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Answer 7

Had one and all that happens is the more you fight it the more your man will feel caught in the middle and resent you.

Answer 8

my grandma (mom's monster in law)
my grandma is nice to me, but not my mom.

Answer 9

get usud to it