Is my mother abusive? I moved back in during graduate school, she agreed, but she is so hateful?

Question

She was trying to lose weight, (and she can't cook) so I offered to help her by prepping & prepacking all her meals, desserts, in advance (i did for 1 yr) She was ecstatic at first, but then she would throw it out & say "it was better last time," or "I can't eat your *****" So I stopped & now she says "you don't give a *** about me, "you selfish ****", where's my dinner", etc.
Her house hadn't been redone since 1970. I offered to paint all the rooms for her, do a lot of gardening, decorate, clean. Our real estate agent says the value has gone up by 25%. She says: "you took over my **** house", "who do you think you are", etc.

She points out (invisible) stratches, stains, to me (I've counted) 50 times a day. "What's this," "was this here before", etc.
She wanted to buy a car so I helped her going to dealers, etc. The minute we brought it home, she says "it's a piece of ****" (it's a bmw), why did you MAKE me buy that car, it hurts my back, i can't see out", it's your fault.

the only solution i've tried so far is ignoring her totally whenever she "starts up". The only problem w/ this is she starts talking to HERSELF, saying, "oh, now she's ignoring me", "she thinks she's in charge," , etc. etc. and it will go on for HOURS. it's maddening.

Answer 1

Move out and start living your life....

Answer 2

Wow, she does seem rather abusive towards you, and her behavior is definetly unacceptable. Did she always treat you in a harsh/judgemental manner, or is this something new that occured when you moved back in? I know this may not be feasible right now, but you should move out as soon as possible, because she is slowly but surely chipping away at your self-esteem. You may not realize it now, but the ramifications of her actions could be felt by you for years to come.
I would recommend sitting and talking with her about how these comments make you feel, but, I am not sure if that would do any good. Maybe prepare a list and state what you're intentions were regarding all the help you were trying to give her. Say things like, "Mom, I wasn't trying to take over your house, it is your house and I just wanted to make it a nicer place for you to live." Unfortunately, I'm not sure if this would help...she seems to have her own personal form of logic, but it is worth the try.
She almost sounds as if she is depressed and might benefit from a visit to the doctor, but I do not know if she would be willing to give that a shot. Tell her you want her to be happy and it seems to you that she is not, and that things that would normally make others really happy (a new BMW!!), are only making her miserable. Being as ungrateful as her truly is not normal.
If things continue to go the way they are, I would move out when able, and slowly but surely separate myself from her, I know that may sound mean...but not nearly as mean as what she is doing to you. I know you love her, but she is a "toxic" family member and she is doing harm to you no matter how strong of a person you may think you are.
Good luck and I feel she is very blessed to have a daughter as helpful as you.

Answer 3

I have learnt the hard way that you can only try to do the right thing by family and if they abuse you and don't respect what you are trying to do for them, then there is not much that you can do about that. I would suggest strongly that you move out and get a life of your own. Encourage your mother to also take up some interests outside of the home and join some clubs so she has more in her life than bitching about your faults. Whatever the outcome you have your own life to live and having constant guilt put on you is very bad for your own self esteem.

Answer 4

Dear Doormat:

I assume you're getting something out of all this abuse, otherwise you wouldn't be taking it. Does your graduate school have mental health services for students.

In all seriousness, your mother has a problem. You may be used to it, having grown up with it (you don't mention where you were before you went to graduate school; why you thought your mom was your only, or -shudder- best option; and whether your romantic relationships have been emotionally abusive - but then I'm just nosy that way).

I hope you're in your last year and have only a few months left. If not, start looking for another living situation. You don't need an ulcer with your degree.

Answer 5

Is your mom psychologically well? Has she always been that way or is this a change in her behavior? Sometimes people are just downright cantankerous but sometimes mental disorders will change their overall demeanor and personality. Age or chemical imbalances maybe?

If this is her lifelong personality, maybe you should move out to preserve your relationship and your own sanity. Some people are hard to please and she may not feel as though she owes it to you to talk to you like you are an adult, with respect. If this isn't her usual behavior, maybe on her better days, you can talk to her about it and see if she notices it too. From there, suggest to her finding help.

Answer 6

Tell her to remember who will pick the nursing home she will live in, and right now the ones you have in mind aren't looking very good.
Seriously, you need to get out. Maybe you can get a roommate if you can't afford it on your own. There is no need to live in her negativity. It will only make you a negative person and you won't even realize it. Trust me, I've been there. Take her to a doc - sounds like she needs to be put on some meds.

Answer 7

your mother isnt abusive, but i would think she is suffering from a deep depression, or going into alzheimers. she may also be addicted to a certain drug that makes her do this, another possibility is that she is bi-polor. if you dont know what this is, its where a person has verying different mood swings. if you have ever seen the story of patty duke she had it for several years caused by abuse from her uncle & aunt. she is now national spokesperson for this & her mood swings are controled by lithium, a drug for life & it controls the chemical imbalance in her brain . this last one sounds more like your mother. if you can, get her to a medical facility for furthur testing. this could be the best & possibly life saving event you could do for her . good luck! its called manic depressive.

Answer 8

You don't mention her age but she may be on the verge of senile dementia or Alzheimer's. You should get her a psychiatric evaluation, if she refuses, check with law enforcement to see if there's a PET (psychiatric evaluation team) to come to the house. She could be a danger to you and herself. She shouldn't be driving by the way, road rage kills.

Answer 9

my own mother is the same way i paid for her property taxes forthe last 6 yrs,, she tells everyone i dont help her...turns out my bro and sis have given her for the taxes also,, i believe that my mom has a tumor in the brain or is a bi polar dis order...take ur mom to a dr soon i havent yet but i will soon,,,good luck

Answer 10

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Answer 11

Move out.
You seem to be the closest person to her therefore she takes everything out on you. She needs to be left alone to live by herself to realize just how much she had in you. Some people take others for granted & it takes losing that individual to realize how much they cared and were cared for.
We learn what we live don't let it rub off on you. Careful because it does happen.
Good Luck!!!