Is my mother abusive? I moved back in during graduate school, she agreed, but she is so hateful?

Question

She was trying to lose weight, (and she can't cook) so I offered to help her by prepping & prepacking all her meals, desserts, in advance (i did for 1 yr) She was ecstatic at first, but then she would throw it out & say "it was better last time," or "I can't eat your *****" So I stopped & now she says "you don't give a *** about me, "you selfish ****", where's my dinner", etc.
Her house hadn't been redone since 1970. I offered to paint all the rooms for her, do a lot of gardening, decorate, clean. Our real estate agent says the value has gone up by 25%. She says: "you took over my **** house", "who do you think you are", etc.

She points out (invisible) stratches, stains, to me (I've counted) 50 times a day. "What's this," "was this here before", etc.
She wanted to buy a car so I helped her going to dealers, etc. The minute we brought it home, she says "it's a piece of ****" (it's a bmw), why did you MAKE me buy that car, it hurts my back, i can't see out", it's your fault.

the only solution i've tried so far is ignoring her totally whenever she "starts up". The only problem w/ this is she starts talking to HERSELF, saying, "oh, now she's ignoring me", "she thinks she's in charge," , etc. etc. and it will go on for HOURS. it's maddening.

Answer 1

Move out... nothing is worth that kind of abuse.. and RUN don't walk.

Answer 2

First of all,She is not happy with herself. SO she picks on you because you allow her to. We control what happens to us. You can! MOVE OUT! It's not helping (considering all you've tried to do to "help") If you could really "help" her, you would have already-don'tcha think? Look at it this way too, You may be able to help someone else going through something similar later in life, so in order to relate-you're experiencing it. How can you tell me about childbirth if you've never had a child? Things happen for a reason...and for a season. Well, this may be your season to bounce. It's not getting any better and it won't. Your mom needs to be delivered from her own personal demons. You can only pray for her and live (away from her). Unless you want to enable her more--then stay. You can't be a people pleaser, you always suffer in the end.

Answer 3

Wow, sounds like your mother has some issues. How is her health? Is she starting to "slip?" Could that be causing her to feel insecure or paranoid?
Any chance of getting her to go with you to a counselor?
It does sound like you are living in a hostile environment, which can't be doing you any good. And that can't be doing good things for your graduate studies.
If you have the money to do all you have done for her, you should be able to get a place on your own.
Depending on her age, and mental/physical health, you may be able to get an in home health aide to go in a couple times a week, and if there is a "meals on wheels" program, might she qualify for that?
It sounds like you've been a great and helpful child.
Good luck.

Answer 4

Yes, she is being abusive to you, and even after you are doing everything to try and help her. It sounds to me like she may have some sort of disorder. I know a person like this - no matter what you do you cannot win with them because they are determined to be miserable. I'm going to wager that she would not be open to therapy, so I guess that's out. If moving out is absolutely impossible for you then you have made the right choice by ignoring her. Another thing you can do is record her when she is on one of her rants, then later let her hear how hateful she sounds.

Answer 5

NO it's not you, it's actually sound like your mon is dealing with some issues within herself. Has she recently lost a man, have see been alone for along time ( b/c I had an aunt that was miserable because she was alone and she wanted to get married) she finally got married and she is now happier and she actually glowing. I knew when I lived with her for a few months she was acting like someone has taken her space ( NOW SHE ASKED ME AND MY HUSBAND TO LIVE WITH HER) because she was use to living on her own for a long time. It wasn't her fault. I tried everyday to keep out the way, clean every piece of dish ( when my friends would come over and get a glass of water, I would wash that one glass out the sink. I thought it was a waste of dish soap but hell, I tried to keep peace). So it's something your mother is dealing with, maybe she feel like a failure about what she has accomplished in life or maybe she is jealous of what you are doing or have done with your life? You may need to talk to her or just stay out of her way. She's miserable. But you best to believe it's not you.....

Answer 6

Obviously you are an intelligent person, you made it to Grad school. Now use some of that intelligence and figure out what is wrong with this situation. What are you doing in this situation if it is so unpleasant and abusive for you? What need are you meeting by being there? It's not like you are 10 yrs old and have no choice in the situation and have to stay there.
LEAVE...........

If you decide to stay figure out how to live in peace with your mother

Answer 7

Your Mom got used to being on her own while you were gone, and now she's a bit resentful that you are back (though she hated it when you left the first time).

If you can afford to, move out. Your relationship will get better overnight. At least stay with friends on weekends to give her some space.

If you can't afford to move out, find her a boyfriend. At least this way, she'll be getting some and she won't be so cranky.

Answer 8

Sounds like your mother is just a miserable person who blames everyone for the choices she makes. Stop doing things for her. If she claims that you don't care about her, tell her you are tired of being the projection of blame for every choice she makes and that she needs to find someone else to do things for her since you never do them right anyway (or she can do them herself). Put your foot down to being a scapegoat and let her take some responsibility for her own choices. No one deserves to be verbally and emotionally abused.

Answer 9

The first consideration is her mental health. Need a medical assessment. Was she always like this or is it new?

Is she capable of looking after herself. I would move out if it is just bad behaviour rather than an illness, which it could well be

Answer 10

Then you have one cranky, very stubborn mom. wheres your dad? When was the last time she got some? Maybe thats the problem? I know this lady shes my aunts friend and shes like that to her son instead of daughter, no joke. Its sad. He moved out instead of putting up with it like you. Maybe your mom needs some attention? It seems like everything she does she wants to more attention yelling and everything. Because if she really had a problem with all the things she complained why won't she get up and clean it herself? Isn't it HER house? Personally i would not be able to put up with living with her for more than a year. I'd give you props for stayign with her for so long. I'm not saying i'd tottally abandon her but of course i'll visit eahch weekend. But not live with her. Why torture yourself like that? Good luck with you and your mom. Get her to the doctor it might be a health problem.

Answer 11

your mother is verbally abusive. Some people arelike that, and she needs help. It sounds like there is something you left out, is she a drinker, or anything with drugs? Eitheir way, you should try to get her help with a therapist, or some kind of group. I think you should do an intervention.