I have been married to an alcoholic for 14 years, he's been sober on and off, but I had to ask him to leave

Question

6 months ago. He cheated on me twice, last time with a women he was in treatment with. now he says that i broke our family up, what do I do I feel so beat down and unattractive. I am lonley, should i go on, or give us one more chance.

Answer 1

Why did you get married to an alcoholic in the first place? You should leave him if everything you've tried didn't work. Don't stay with him just because your lonely or feel unattractive. If you have to leave, then do it, and find someone better. Learn to feel not so lonely on your own first, love yourself first, then find someone better. Also, find out about yourself why you choose to be with an alcoholic in the first place, so you don't repeat the same mistake. You don't want to be with a crappy guy.

Answer 2

Wrong, wrong, you did not break up your family. You did what any brave and caring person should do, you asked him to leave. If there is blame to dumped on anyone....I think your husband wins that prize hands down.

14 years you have stood beside him, I can't imagine the hell and humilation that you have been through, but sweetie, never never ever think that you broke up your family. He did. You have a man that had 1 problem, being a alcoholic, and suffered through it with him, then now he rewards all the love and patience you have shown him by having an affair, not once, but twice.

Where's your prize, a divorce. What else does he want from you, what more can you give him, you gave him 14 long years, and then forgave him once. Are you just suppose to turn your head, and repair your heart after each time. No, you deserve more than that. You deserve someone to love as much you love him. You don't need this. I know you feel beat down and unattractive, but you can fix that. You are worn out from all the emotional stress he has put you through. You need to forgive yourself, you did the best job you could as this man's wife. You did nothing wrong, it's ok, to feel abused, and anger, because you didn't get married to get a divorce 14 years later. You were given a raw deal, but you can't let it beat you. Then he won again!

You are going to do something for yourself! Start out small, a new haircut...always makes me feel good, before you go put on some make up, and a cute outfit. When you look in the mirror, tell yourself, this the new you. Call up a couple of friends that you have been ignoring because you were embarrassed to see because of your husband(and I know you did this, I avoided friends) call them for a drink or lunch. You start getting out of the house. Every morning you get up, and put on the makeup and dress cute. Don't slack up, you will start feeling better about yourself, I promise, he was making hisself feel better by dragging you down, HONEY, PLEASE PLEASE , listen you need to close that chapter of your life, and get to moving....You are free to start a whole new you! Smile, it's kind of a exciting idea isn't, you can do this! It's not going to be easy, but honey, there's a whole world out there, you have been missing some good stuff. Give yourself credit, you have done something most people aren't strong enough to deal with--much less 14 years of it---That makes you "Superwoman" if you ask me.....Go for it, whatever- it's time to think of YOU! That's going to be your reward-----you be happy, successful, and then you are going to feel so good about yourself till you are definetly a SURVIVOR & WINNER!

keep in touch if you need a pep talk! I still have my pomp-pomps!

God bless us all...............

Answer 3

Alcoholics and addicts are the best con artists in the world. How DARE he say that it was you who broke the family up! If you keep taking him back, the pattern just keeps repeating itself. Right now, you are 14 years older than when you got married. If you keep this up, you will have the same problems in 14 more years from now. All you will end up with is another 14 years that you could have used finding your new life, your new self, and someone else who doesn't make you feel like you-know-what.
Stay away from him for one full year. mean really away. If you have child visitation, sort it out so you never see each other if possible and do not take his calls or messages through friends unless it concerns important parenting issues. See how you feel then about yourself and about him at the end of one year from now. I promise you that you will think back on him and wonder what you ever saw in him. Your self-esteem returns when you dump people like this. Do you really want to go through life with someone because you pity them?

Answer 4

Do you love him? is it worth your feelings if you give him another chance and he cheats again? You have to put yourself first and if you have kids you have to realize no matter how old they are they can sense things aren't right. As far as feeling unattractive and beat down, you need to pick yourself up and get your life back together, I'm sure you are a pretty person, if you still feel unattractive, get a new hair cut, color, buy some new clothes (even at a second hand store, they are still new to you) and tell yourself you deserve the best. good luck

Answer 5

He is trying to play on your weaknesses. Let him go , for 1 you can't change an alcoholic (i was married to one) 7 years of my life wasted. Once they cheat they will usually do it again and since he has already, why are you still thinking about taking him back! Take care of you for a while leave him alone, you need to be by yourself for a while in order to heal and be strong enough to stop the vicious cycle of abusive relationships. Good luck and stay strong you deserve much better. You have sacrificed enough it's now time to make you happy and only you can.

Answer 6

Honey, you have given it your all. Alcoholism doesn't just affection the person whose got it: it effects everyone in their family, their spouse most of all. My mother is an alcoholic, has been all my life, and that's hard enough. I cannot imagine it being someone I was intimate with. You have every right to call it quits, sweetie. Every right to pick yourself up and move on. He's trying to manipulate you into staying because he needs you. Please don't take this the wrong way, but chances are, you've become his enabler over the years. Unfortunately it's what happens when we love someone and even often times when we just want peace. My stepfather has been going through with my mother. Give yourself permission to say enough is enough (my step-dad couldn't--he allowed her to guilt him into staying). Do you have kids? If so, do it for them. You all deserve better and if he won't get and stay clean, you have every right to want to a different life. A life with a man who won't beat you down but will lift you up and sing your praises.

Answer 7

Stay away from that fool. You should not feel beat down or unattractive, he is the one with a drinking problem. Go out and find you a good man that will treat you right.

Answer 8

It's easy for someone to shift the blame, especially when they are so clearly in the wrong.
If he is willing to work on it and your willing to take him back then make him first agree to a stringent counseling plan and make sure a tight accountability regiment follows.
He has shown a pattern that wont just automatically go away, he really has to want to change and save his family.

Answer 9

Lady, I know how you feel. There comes a time when "enough is enough" you have been putting up with his crap for all this time. You have to set the bar, let him know that as much as you love him and you need your family........you can no long forfeit your "happiness" and you refuse to live this way. Let him know that you only live once and you will not take him back unless he had changed. You are getting older not younger.........you deserve to be happy!!! (I am sure your kids will agree)

Answer 10

You have done the best you could. Go on with your life and you will meet somebody new and really nice and good for you. Try going to Alanon meetings. You will meet all sorts of people in your situation. Trust me, you really will. These meetings will be good for you and you will meet a man who doesn't drink but does care about you. Just give it on chance...go to one Alanon meeting and I almost guarantee you, you will feel so much better. I wish you could give me an update. This will be good for you. Good luck and God bless.