He believes that she will suicide if he does leave. I believe she trapped him into marriage by falling pregnant when she was16 and he was19. He has stayed out of responsibility He feels that if he leaves her he will be throwing her away like a dirty rag...his words. She wants him to love her, but he cant.He believes he has never really loved her. After the birth of their 3rd child practically all intimacy stopped. He worked and slept and she kept house. They have never been able to communicate with each other about his feelings, its always about her feelings- his feelings dont count. He had an affair with another woman, she found out, and then blamed him even though she had no interest in intimacy with him for 30 years. She begged him to stay but has been making his life miserable ever since. No one knows why he is still there, they have seen how she has treated him like a doormat. This is all that he has known since he was 19, but is very unhappy and doesnt know what to do.
2006-08-27 08:22:32 · 10 answers · asked by rightio 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
I discussed with him only today what you have all said...it is everything I have said to him as well. The whole theme of everyones answers is that no-one should be made to stay with anyone out of fear. He said he doesnt just think she will kill herself...he knows she will. I said, that is fear regardless. I have run out of words for him. I dont know what to say anymore to him, because he is so frightened her feelings are consuming him. I have even said to him, if it is so difficult to leave then go to a counsellor and see if you cant re kindle the relationship...I asked him to picture the rest of his life being like this. The affair he had with this woman ended 12 months ago, but she is still snooping into everything of his and still giving him the third degree everyday. She winges and whines...I dont know how he can stay regardless of anything. Has anyone got anything different to say....other suggestions maybe?
2006-08-29 10:07:39 · update #1
I'm of 2 minds here. My instinct is, he can't control what she does if he leaves, and there's a better chance that she'll be fine if he decides it's over between them.
My other thought is thinking about the amount of time he's committed to this relationship. Sometimes there's some inside/outside pressure to not leave, which is even harder to get away from.
I hope it's the former. He needs to know that threats are an attempt to gain control, and that it's rare that another carries them out. He is not responsible for her feelings. That may have to be repeated over and over, but it's true.
2006-08-27 08:27:34 · answer #1 · answered by carmella 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He doesn't love her but they had 3 kids? How exactly is SHE manipulating the situation here when I seriously DOUBT she forced him to impregnate her. She was 16 and he was 19. He was older and should have known better, you can't blame one person for getting pregnant. And the whole "she made me have an affair" is a joke. Leave, then have your fun, other wise, you can only blame yourself
Anyway, in all seriousness, if he is concerned about the well being of his kids (ie her possibly hurting herselfor the kids) it may be necesary to contact the state or county (local) mental health services. I know it sounds drastic, but it does sound like he needs to go. Quickly. Run. By making the mental health organization aware of her state before he does walk away from her, he can at least feel as though he tried to do right ny her, even in the end.
No one shouuld stay in a situation out of fear. Any kind of fear.
2006-08-27 08:31:19 · answer #2 · answered by jobie023 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
From this I can deduce that this couple is in their fifties.
These can be complex situations, and these brief answers could never do justice to a life time of suffering.
I would suggest that this couple needs to first understand what their children's needs are and how to best provide for them.
Second, this couple needs to understand what their goals are, what retirement would look like for each of them.
The woman needs to consider a life, with financial support, in a smaller residence, and the freedom to pursue a more meaningful life, relationship and freedom.
The man needs to consider what his contribution was to her sense of needyness, and what her fears are really about. She obiously does not fear lack of intimacy because they are living it.
I am sure they have tried counselling, but they may not have found a cousellor sympathetic sufficiently to both of them to allow both to begin listening, trusting and talking.
I feel sad for the 30 years they have wasted, and the impression that might have had on their children's personalities.
2006-08-27 08:37:45 · answer #3 · answered by pheelingud 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I hate that sort of manipulation, it gives a bad name to all women. Personally I think he should call one of her friends, and tell her what she's threatened, and then say "I'm leaving" and let her friends deal with it. It's probably a bluff anyway. Not that I would ever condone having an affair, but she sounds like a mad woman.
Are you sure you have the whole story though actually? You are his friend... is he telling the truth about all this?
2006-08-27 08:33:08 · answer #4 · answered by Lucy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
my advice to him is to get out while he can. thirty years ia a long time to commit to a relationship that is onesided.children can never hold a relationship together. one day those children will grow up and leave home. then what do you have left in common if there is no love for each other? he needs to move on with his life and find the happiness he deserves!!! if she threatens him with suicide, then it will not be his fault should she go through with it. he needs to get some serious counseling, to help sort it all out, and move on with his life. in time maybe she can do the same. never let someone hold you hostage in a relationship!!!!!
2006-08-27 08:36:56 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
k here is the deal. i would call the police and say that my wife is threatening suicide if i leave and im leaving so not sure what i should do. this way you are covered by all legal means and you didnt just leave. and totally not fair for someone to lay that kind of guilt trip on a person. and you might also look into having her commited if her living depends on him being there then thats not healthy.
2006-08-27 08:26:41 · answer #6 · answered by gsschulte 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
They need to go to therapy. Tell her he has some issues that he would like to discuss with a therapist. He needs to take ownership, so she doesn't feel threaten, but during group therapy...hopefully her issues will rise to the top. Then he can make a clean break; know he helped her, while helping himself out of his unsatisfiying relationship.
2006-08-27 08:26:46 · answer #7 · answered by Dugma 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
How he's feeling is strictly how she needs him to experience. you spot it is a element of make him love her, then make him to blame for all her strikes, then abuse him understanding finished properly that he loves her so as that when she abuses him greater he will experience sorry for her and take her back. interior the top, she'll wreck him mutually as she runs off with somebody else and has a staggering existence. Been there, finished that, have been given the image, etc. Harleen led to me to explain: learn it to a girl who gets overwhelmed by utilising her husband, yet consistently say's he did no longer propose it, he loves me. it is the comparable element, lady version.
2016-09-30 23:07:58 · answer #8 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the guy who answered first is right, so tell your friend and let him get away from that situation
2006-08-27 08:33:22 · answer #9 · answered by killbill 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
HHHmmm? there is three sides to every story. Yours, hers, and the truth. which one is this?
2006-08-27 08:32:54 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋