Should I be mad at my husband for something he did before we were married?

Question

I just found out my husband and sex with someone 1 month before we eloped. We have been married for 3 years now. He said he did it because he thought I was doing the same to him. Which I was not! Should I be mad?

Answer 1

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 2

You are down playing this some aren't you? It was a month before you got married but not a month before you started going out so assuming that you two were dating, engaged and/or discussing marriage then yes he cheated on you, ring or no ring doesn't change a thing about it. It shows his character and that doesn't change with a ring. The fact that he couldn't even stay faithful until you were married is a huge warning sign.

Let me ask you this, would you have married him a month later if you had known the truth? If you are so naive that you would have anyway then hey there isn't much hope anyway but if not then he duped you, you made one of the biggest decisions of your life based on a LIE and he let you!! He knew in his brain what really happened the entire time you took vows and he was perfectly happy not to let you know. I wouldn't put ANYTHING past someone willing to stoop that low and take advantage of me like that!! How does that sit with you? How does it make you feel about trusting him when it comes to other big decisions in life? Did he use a condom or did he also risk giving you an std without a second thought?

The thing about doing it because he thought you were doing it to him is completely CRAP! Even if you were it doesn't make it right for him to do it, not to mention he had sex with someone else because he 'thought' NOT because he 'knew'. Its a bs line and a lame excuse anyway. And IF that is truly his philosophy on the right and fair thing to do in a relationship then YOU have one freebee coming your way and he can't say squat about it! If he has an issue with it then you know he's straight up just making a lame excuse (and I guarantee he is). Here is some stuff that might help....

The first thing to do in a situation like this is realize there is a pattern to the healing process, first there is a lot of anger, second there may be a period when you have sex with your partner a lot in order to 'stake your claim' or win your partner back, then the real affects of what has happened set in and thats when you know whether it is something you can deal with or not. I didn't realize this and made mistakes and big decisions while still going through this process and they turned out to be the wrong decisions. I feel that if I had known about this pattern I could have seen things more clearly.

As far as continuing the relationship or not you first need to determine whether or not getting over it is something you should do. I saw 7 things that can help you determine this:

Is it an isolated incident or a pattern of behavior? (including past relationships, even if its the first time he cheated on you has he cheated on other gf's)

Does he own it (take full blame) or does he make excuses for why it happened?

Does he REALLY grasp the damage he's done to you and your relationship or does he just pay it lip service?

Is he sorry for the choice he made or sorry that he got caught?

Is he willing to do what it takes to clean up the mess he made, whatever it takes and however long it takes? or does he want to deny it and move on?

Is it out of character for him or is he insenstive about other things too? (respects your feelings, treats you with dignity, etc)

Is it a legacy or a new behavior? did he grow up in a family where this happened? if its what he learned thats a big clue.

Once you've gone through these and IF you determine that the answers all favor a successful relationship then you take it one day a at a time, if its a history or a pattern you leave and realize that it is the idea of the relationship that you 'love' and not the reality, surely you don't define being loved as someone that devestates you emotionally and doesn't care that he did. you have a lot of thinking to do, but don't worry it WILL get better and you will be ok!

Answer 3

Yes. You have every right to be mad. Although it was before you were married, the two of you were obviously engaged when he had sex with someone else.
And, if he thought you were doing it, he should've approached you on a one-on-one basis, and have a lengthy conversation with you about it, asking plenty of questions, before marrying you!
Instead, he just assumed you were cheating so he did the same. First of all 2 wrongs don't make it right and you weren't even cheating in the first place, so he was just being a man-wh0re!
Anyway, you have every right to be mad! I would be just as mad! DO not listen to the people on here saying that you shouldn't be mad because it is in the past because you are the one married to a man that slept around behind your back. Imagine if he would've gotten an STD and passed it on to you?

Answer 4

Think for a minute. Even if he did think that you were having sex with someone else that doesn't mean that he should do the same. It shows weakness on his part. He also reacted to the situation instead of trying to resolved the issue. Now, it has been three years since this has happen. You should know him by now. Do you think that if the situations was right he would cheat on you? If he has been a good husband to yo, and he has done right by you , let it go. Don't let his past control your future.

Answer 5

If you were in a relationship (which I think you were as he said he thought U were doing it too) then absolutely. Just because you weren't married back then it doesn't give him a liscense to sleep around. Where were his morals? He took advantage of your trust. I'd be worried that he would do it again, plus he said he did it cuz he THOUGHT u were doing it? Uh... communication?!

Make sure he's not hanging out with this chick he cheated with cause his past actions predict his future ones and if he ever feels like you're doing anything again he won't talk to you, he will just do it again. Y'alls need to communicate. It has been 3 yrs so it's kind of gone already, but don't let him think it was ok. He needs to know that it can't happen again!

Answer 6

If I were him,i'd kick u to the curb,just for starting bullshit.yeah,he did it,but apparently his understanding of the relationship and yours,were not the same.Or did u expect him to read your mind?Heck,u eloped with him,no doubt at the spur of the moment,and u have the audacity to think that he wouldn't have had any surprises in that short period of time.He committed to you,forsaking all others,and u turn around and ask people on the internet,whether or not u should be mad.I mean WTF!!!Yeah,i think i would kick your *ss to the curb.Or are u just looking for an excuse to get out of your relationship?If so,just get the f*ck out now and save him from your sorry *ss!!!!!!I"ll bet,you won't show him this question you posted!And on the net no less!Is there no sanctimony in marriage anymore?

Answer 7

If you want to be mad, be mad because he doubted your honestly & loyalty and not because he had sex with someone before you eloped.

Then again, why get mad over something that has happened? He couldn't change it even if he tried. Seemed unproductive waste of emotions and energy to me. (of course, I am assuming that he didn't have sex with anyone else AFTEr you eloped).

Answer 8

It is okay to be upset because it was a show of distrust that you didn't deserve.

However, it is NOT okay to stay upset...

This happened before marriage. Nothing that happens before marriage can be that important. What you live with is the NOW... today. Its the real world, not past history.

So, be honest with him, tell him you're upset and that action was completely unjustified. Then forgive him. Tell him thank-you for his honesty, and that you still love him, because he's such a good husband. And if it should ever happen again you'll divorce him so fast it would make his head spin.

Answer 9

Rather he did it before you got married or not it's still cheating he was still with you and it was wrong to do that I think he's just using you for a cop out I would be upset too if I was you that was completely wrong of him doing that when you get married your not suppose to hide anything from each other I would be mad if my husband hid anything from me I have been opened with him as well as he has been with me I think people should be opened with one another and honest and not lie to each other about anything or hide anything for that matter he was just using you for a cop out he's just trying to make a excuse up truth is their is never a reason to cheat that's bull crap just him trying to get away with it and I wouldn't let him too bad you didn't find that out before you got married to him because I wouldn't had married him once a cheater always a cheater

Answer 10

First off did he still talk to this person? before you got married? Does he still talk to this person? because if he does then yeah! if he does not then no, at least he was open and honest about this to u, though it hurt you! But always look at the situation at different angels, if you did it would you want him to be mad, or would you have been honest with you feelings with him,some times people say they did cheat to find out if you did! Loving some one with low self esteem is hard work! Remember that....

Answer 11

That's pretty awful to find out about something like that now...it wouldn't be a big deal if he had done it before he met you, and what's weird is that he obviously didn't trust you because he assumed you were doing the same thing. You can't erase the past, the best thing would be to let it go. If he's not continuing to that, it's best to stop stressing over it - will only make things harder. Best wishes...