hello-benn with husband 11 years-married 4 years. been having problems since the start of our marriage and the last 8 months have gone from worse to unbelievbly unbearable. many issues to be resolved and we have tried councelling. .he's been avoiding our problems and not putting any time or effot to help build our marriage up. He says he is committed and will try. But each and eveytime is a let down. He puts our marriage as a last priority and never has time to set aside. In last 3 months, we have been speaking about 10 days out of 90 days. So he said he would spend this sunday with me..time to heal and start to rebuild, then he gets a text from his friend last night to say that they were having a church service for her fathter that passed 3 months ago. He went to the 1 month service and will go to the 6 month and 1 year. But he had to once again cancel our day 2gether. Am i unjust to think he can put our marriage first for once when he promises me. He does this all the time? ADVICE
2006-08-27 00:51:38 · 23 answers · asked by nat n 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I hate to say this but it doesn't sound like he wants to be married. I think you need a break. Go find yourself and don't worry about him. Good luck.
2006-08-27 00:56:40 · answer #1 · answered by Ray 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you can't beat him, then join him. Spending the time together does not only mean to have a wonderful weekends or a wonderful vacation. Those little minutes together are equally important. No doubt he has plenty of activities outside and does not know how to arrange his priority, but that does not mean he don't love you anymore. Try doing simple things together like :
Watching a movie at home
Browsing the internet together
Playing computer games together
Wash his car with him
stroll down to nearby shops for your groceries together.
Clean the house together.
Visit your relatives or friend together.
Go to church activities together.
Or anything that he used to do. Join him and do it happily together. It is those little things that you can do to rekindle your relationship. By observing yr effort to bind you and him together, he will improve gradually. He will soon call for something interesting to do over weekends. Tell yourself that you already have the world most wonderful partner.
2006-08-27 08:12:46 · answer #2 · answered by dolphin 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have you considered doingthings with him instead? Could you have attended the service together with him and spend time together along the way?
To me, it seems like you like to enforce your time on him and this is something he does not like. Say, you had been with him for 7 years before marrying, how did you 3 stay together so long? Even get married? Had there been any change in any one's attitude towards each other?
Remember getting married is about being together and accepting each other. Not change the other. So maybe you might want to relook at the way you 2 had been before and see what was it that kept you 2 together and work on that aspect. Your getting married should not change anything from that.
2006-08-27 07:59:09 · answer #3 · answered by peanutz 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No you are not unjust. In your next conversation, try being firm, gentle, kind, but very committed to saying that unless things change within a week or two weeks (pick a time but make it definite), you will make a change. Tell him that actions count and words not at all. Don't listen to any promises or excuses at all.
To be truthful about it, it very much sounds as though he'll avoid doing what he needs to do. God only knows the reason.
2006-08-27 08:18:40 · answer #4 · answered by DelK 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he's been doing it for a while and you've tried counseling and tried to talk to him, then you should just leave. If you move out, he will take the hint. Once you move out, let him know that you will not come back until he goes to therapy with you. In that way, you control the situation. See how he acts once therapy starts. It takes time but in the long run, it should pay off. If he still does it after this, then you should get a divorce. Either that or take him to Dr. Phil's Show, LOL!
2006-08-27 07:57:42 · answer #5 · answered by Thot77 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are forgetting that it takes TWO to make a marriage last and only ONE to destroy it. I think you are beating your head against the wall for nothing. If you and your marriage is not that important to him then you owe it to yourself to find another person who will. There is no reason why you should always be in the back seat. Talk is cheap and actions always speak louder than words ever will. I do believe that he has made his point many times as to what is important to him and what is not. Life is to short to be unhappy and left feeling unwanted and unloved. You are with the wrong person that should be very clear to you by now
2006-08-27 08:02:45 · answer #6 · answered by mr. Bob 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I see that you answered another question recently, where you advised a woman to split from her partner beacuse he fantasised about other women during sex.
I see that you are planning a holiday in October - is this with your husband?
There's a reason why he's not interested. Have you become overweight, or stopped bathing, or what have you changed about yourself since you got married?
Whose idea was it to get married after 7 years.
Did you live together for that 7 years?
If you can't find any solutions in the above, then you should make plans to leave.
2006-08-27 10:08:27 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
He isn't as committed as he says he is. He is definitely avoiding something. If he isn't willing to talk it out, then what is really the point? I understand that you have shared a lot together, but if this relationship is hurting you, then you have to take some sort of action or you will be miserable the rest of your life. Good luck!!
2006-08-27 07:57:22 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He doesn't seem very commited to the relationship. There's only two choices I can think of. One, just deal with it, or two get out of it. You have done all you can to resolve it. You are not unjust to think he should put your marriage first.
2006-08-27 09:24:51 · answer #9 · answered by doglady 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is no success when there is only one person working on a relationship.You need to be preparing for the time when you just can't take it anymore. It sounds like hes going to do the bare minimum to get by. Is that good enough for you?Good luck.
2006-08-27 07:58:38 · answer #10 · answered by shugabam! 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its obvious, he isnt willing at all. If he is not helping in making your marriage work, then whats the point of being married to him. If you had done everything and still its not working, then, leave... You still can find someone a lot better than him. Its a bit difficult, but it will work...
2006-08-27 08:59:35 · answer #11 · answered by bitchy ass 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋