Major disagreement with husband, should we separate or try to work it out?

Question

My husband and I got married last Dec. when I found out I was pregnant. It was rather quick on the decision considering that we've been together for a 5 yrs now. However, we are both kind of young, I'm 25 and he's 24. We dont have a career set yet let alone our own house. Even though those things are in the process of working out, we each want to live in different places. He loves his hometown and wants to live there close to his family and friends. I, on the otherhand, want to be near bigger cities. Because of this we have tried to accomadate with each others wishes. I've tried living in his hometown, and especially after having a baby, it was lonely and there weren't any good opportunities. So now we're where I feel is best for us. And neither of us are happy. Instead, we are constantly irritating one another. we are thinking that we made the wrong decision about our marriage and now its even worse because we have a baby. it seemslike we're so far apart. what should we do?

Answer 1

You must have known that you both wanted to live in separate places before you got married, or while dating? Did either of you have careers? A house? No! Right?

Today people are living in a fast paced world. Expecting everything to happen in a snap. The courtship should not be longer than the marriage. Well, my point is with time, things come together. Just like a career, and a house. Marriage is (meant to be) a long term investment. You just don't have a marriage, you have a family.

I was in the same situation, only we dated a year, then I got pregnant (we were 18), got married 4 years later, and have been married for 7 years. He was a farm boy I was a city girl. We compromised. We live in the country, not on a farm.

Yes we got, and get on each others nerves. Were so different it is not funny! But we have a genuine love for one another.

If he is a good guy, I would try to stick it out as long as your both willing. Don't give up on each other yet.

Answer 2

Counseling is a definite here. Although I will say...staying together because of the baby is not always the best answer. I agree that if you are WANTING to save this relationship you should seek counseling it will help you more than you know. But if you honestly DONT want to be in that relationship then all the counseling in th world wont help you. If you aren't in love with him or he isn't with you...then cut your losses hun. All the counseling and compromising wont make a healthy relationship if there is nothing at the core of it. Staying in a bad relationship isnt always the best answer for the child either...especially if there is alot of tension and arguing. This only puts undue stress and confusion on the child. Arguing in front of a child can lead to behavioral and relationship issues early and later in life. I would sit down and talk with your husband about what EXACTLY you both want out of this marriage and take it from there.

Answer 3

How far away from his home town and family are you? Marriage takes alot of hard work and lot of communciation that is honest.
Dont give up so easily and think that it cant be fixed. Having a child doesnt change anything on what is between the two of you. Sit down and look at options that you have missed. As the old saying and common knowledge is that the first 7 yrs are the hardess. You can fix this.

Answer 4

If you love each other it will be worked out. Have you done the counseling yet? Do you have family where you are now? Someone to babysit so you guys can get a break and go out once in awhile? Any support at all from friends? You could just be edgy from all the stress you are going through. You might do a trial separation, but only for a couple of weeks to clear the air and see how much you miss each other. Trying to resolve problems when there is anger won't work.

Answer 5

i know it sounds cliche but have you tried marriage counsling? It really gets a bad rep because people see it as a weakness to not be able to work out their problems on their own. It is not a weakness, in fact it takes a lot of courage and love to go to an unknown person with problems about your marriage. Every marriage goes through bad times and the fact that you are both unhappy right now does not mean your marriage has to be over. My husband and I were both very much in your situation until recently when we decided to go to a local church group for couples. It has worked wonders and it is not as religious as you would think. It has really made us realize that we were not putting our relationship or happiness first, we were doing to much to accomodate ot ohters not ourselves. maybe it would help if you were around other couples that were having similar issues. Also, why dont you try living in a small town right near a big city? Maybe that way both of your needs would be accomodated. Just a thought. Good luck

Answer 6

Ok.. I dont believe in divorce or anything but i also beleive that seperation without dating other people is sometimes a good option

i belive in honoring your vows and if seperating is a way to go to do it.BUT in your case
you got to ask yourselves

do we really love each other? are we in love? are we togehter just because I got pregnant?


and talk about maybe a compromise. is there a twon closer to his house where it is a bit busier, that hes willing to move to? being too close from the in-laws is a bad idea anyways but being too far is too. Make sure it is safe and clean.

Also maybe you might have to suck it up....really..grow up hun not to be too harsh..

but if there is a place closer thats still like his hometown but busier try it..but maybe u should find other stuff to do. just because u cant go out and party or just walk next door to the store doesnt mean it doesnt have good opportunities. if ur husband turned out well ur kid can too

try a couples therapist

Answer 7

You need an unbiased opinion on the situation. Because there is a young child you need to fight as hard as you can to work the problem out and save your marriage. Try to find a marriage counselor who doesn't know you and can counsel you both together. Maybe you should move to a town an equal distance between both of your homes. This would allow you to establish your own identity as a family as opposed to members of two separate families. When you and your spouse are arguing, make sure to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Don't say 'I' or 'Me' but discuss 'Us' and 'Our'. Continue to see you and your spouse as ONE unit not two individual people. Everything you both are saying is because you both feel it is what is best for your family not what is best for you singularly. Hopefully you will find a good counselor who can help you save your marriage and your family.

Answer 8

Dont live in his hometown where you have no one and are unhappy and dont move to a big city where he is unhappy. Move to the biggest city closest to his hometown so that he can visit his family and friends and you can obtain the opportunity you seek. You two can have time together to work out problems if necessary because you wont have to go that far for a sitter when needed.

Answer 9

Okay, please listen carefully. I am a divorce mediator. I see lots of these mistakes. If you are having these problems and differences now, they will always be there. They are also the type of problems that if one of you compromises, the other will always resent this and that will lead up to a divorce at some point, even 15 years from now, because resentment festers like a dirty wound and never heals. Your child will be young enough to accept his/her reality as it presents itself. In other words it will be much harder for a child to experience an unhappy marriage, filled with conflict, than for it to accept the reality of a single parent to which it is born. The problems are tenfold when you want to live somewhere else and you are not happy and you have a custody battle over a baby. The disagreement around cities is somewhat immature, but indicative of a low level of comittment. You are more likely to get primary custody of your baby if you divorce now , sooner than later. Later will involve many more complications if you in fact decide you would like to live somewhere else. You will have to give the father reasonable visitiation rights to the baby as he is the father and he should have a role to be respected and nurtured. See a mediator and get out now; there is no such thing as staying together for the sake of a child, because that always backfires. It is not and never will be for the sake of the child as your happiness is important for the interests of the child. Just like when you are flying aboard a plane and they demonstrate putting your own mask on before you put the mask on the kid. Thats my moto...by taking care of yourself first you will in effect be taking care of your baby. Be sure to get a mediator involved in a custody/visiation, parenting and support plan for you and for your baby. Move on, it does not seem that you have a solid foundation for marriage.

Answer 10

You don't get divorced because neither of you like where you're living. That would be retarded. Why don't the two of you come up with a list of neutral places that either of you might enjoy living? You're young and your baby isn't in school yet, so you have some time to find a place that agrees with both of you. Marriage is about compromise and that's the only way you're both going to be happy---when you're both getting what you want.