I've been with my boyf for 2.5 years. He was teetotal when I met him and has always been a gentle guy. I've always found it weird that he doesn't drink and last week I pressured him to share some wine with me. We ended up having 3 bottles between us and were really drunk. Then when we went to bed he used force to give me anal sex even though this is something we don't do and which I told him not to do at the time. I was drunk but I was crying and he still did it.
Now he says that was totally out of character for him and that it was my fault for pressuring him to drink. I don't know if its true or whether he is using it as an excuse. I don't know what to do. What was supposed to be fun has ended up causing alot of tension between us. What should I do
2006-08-26 17:34:15 · 16 answers · asked by Kelly D 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Kelly you should not have pressured him to drink, that is real bad. He stayed teetotal for years for a reason, he ust have known what he is like with drink and always did the sensible thing.
What he did was wrong, your not to blame but you contributed to it, I really think you should forgive him ONCE , just once if it was out of character for him.
However if he does anything like it again report him as he has those tendencies and next time it could be someone else .
Good Luck
2006-08-27 17:32:42 · answer #1 · answered by Donna : 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
U did pressure him to drink love and u should be ashamed of that.
However, ur boyfriend has just sexually assualted u. Drunk or not, that's no excuse. U should shop him to the police, or leave for that. At the very least email me an address so I can go round and remove some teeth from the evil little worm with my fists, doesn't help but makes me feel better.
Some monsters (myself included) hide our dark sides very deep inside. Alochol realises our inibitions, allowing the dark side to lurk more freely. If u don't dump him (which u should by the way) u r gonna need to clear the air. Sit down and talk about it like grown ups (though talking with ur rapist seems a bit weird) and get reassurances it will never happen again
If u ever need to talk to someone, my door is always open.
2006-08-27 02:09:14 · answer #2 · answered by Knight-wing 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He probably feels absolutely terrible about it but feels he has to blame you because if it's not your fault then he has to accept being one of the worst kind of social pariahs...a rapist. I bet he hates himself for what happened even more than you do. Normally rapists deserve every bit of scorn heaped upon them but in this case it does seem like it's unlikely he would have ever done such a thing had he not be blasted out of his mind, which someone who doesn't normally drink would probably be after a bottle and a half of wine.
It's the standard line to say that the victim of rape is never at all at fault for what happened but reality is rarely always that black and white. If you're able to accept responsibility for pressuring him to do something that was out of his character that would greatly affect his capacity for reasoning and self-restraint he might just be able to accept responsibility for letting himself get carried away and temporarily turning into a monster.
The thing to focus on is that this was a horrible anomaly in what you seem to be saying was otherwise a great relationship. It is an awful, ugly thing but it doesn't have to destroy you, him, or your relationship if you don't want it to. That's your choice though. You have to decide how much you want to define this man by one drunk night of tragedy versus two and a half years of love. Only you have the right to decide what you're willing to forgive. Just if you forgive, mean it, or it will never heal.
2006-08-27 00:56:33 · answer #3 · answered by Winter Arcane 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I know quite a few people who behave totally out of character when they've had a few drinks. This is no excuse for what happened.
Do you love him? Are you prepared to give him a second chance? (Personally, if this was a one off, I would!)
If he feels bad, believe him. If it happens again, dump him.
It must have been a terrifying situation, but that is why he doesn't drink. He knows he can't handle it.
2006-08-27 04:55:49 · answer #4 · answered by True Blue Brit 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, it was NOT your fault.
I think you should stand your ground on that point.
I guess the lesson to take from this is that he simply can't handle alcohol. (Some people are like that.) I think you should give him another chance, and try to forgive him.
Just don't tolerate any drinking in the future on his part. You can drink, but do your best to keep alcohol away from him - you've seen what it does to him. However, you can't have known in the past, and that's why what happened is not your fault.
2006-08-27 00:42:27 · answer #5 · answered by Emily 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
When you get drunk Alot of true thoughts come to open. He fantasizes about anal sex and it showed that night because he was drunk. He's saying to himself, "ooops, how dare I express that to her"
specially when your not use to drinking and you dont know how have self control of how to keep your cool and hide things alot of intimacy comes out when your drunk.
2006-08-27 00:46:21 · answer #6 · answered by skdfjasl 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He sexually assaulted you and all he can say that it's your fault that you pressured him to drink? Like he couldn't say no? Sister, this isn't nice. You both need counseling to get past this. If he won't go, then that's a serious sign just how much he believed you were asking for it. Get out.Good luck.
2006-08-27 00:39:16 · answer #7 · answered by sacredmud 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to hear it but after reading what the other people that have answered your question i think that Charles J said it best, give it a shot and see what tomorrow brings. Good Luck.
2006-08-27 01:12:34 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think he may be wright, if he is a gentle guy normally, drink does that to people. You lose all your inhibition's and 3 bottles is a lot kid.
Sorry nick.
2006-08-27 05:49:06 · answer #9 · answered by nick b 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Law is against him but a soft view shall be taken as you started it.Perhaps the boy did not know what he was doing and you being tipsy could not stop it.If I were you I will give him benefit of doubt ,.start everything afresh but carefully.
2006-08-27 01:13:13 · answer #10 · answered by Bipin mishra 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋