Is this common or normal....?

Question

My mother passed away about 2 years ago. (Tomorrow would be her birthday), and I was living in Texas when I found out my mother passed. My mother was living in Illinois at the time. I wasn't able to attend the funeral, and at the time, I was living with a very mentally abusive ex girlfriend who felt that since I found out about my mom's death on Christmas Eve, that it would "depress" the whole ambiance of the holiday, and that I should "get over it" in about 3 days. My question is, since I guess I never got closure or allowed myself to grieve, it is normal for those feelings to come to the surface NOW?

And does the empty feeling of losing a parent ever go away?

Answer 1

Yes, that is completely normal. I'm sure it's somewhat common--people not allowing themselves to grieve for various reasons, and then it comes up later. The pain will gradually lessen (if you allow yourself to actually feel it and give it time) but honestly, my dad died 14 years ago, and I still think of him and wish he was around.

Answer 2

Let me answer your last question 1st, which you gave in the detail at the end. The empty feeling will change. It will come & go & eventualy you will look at your loss of you mom with an emptyness which will fill with other important people in your live, but she will remain gone. There will be guilt, blame, sadness, etc. & they will come & go as well. Some have pointed out that everyone grieves a little differently. What you need to remember is that just because you feel as you do now with loosing your mom, loosing others may or may not be the same way. That too is normal. Talk with individuals or just one person about your mom, tell about things she did, things she liked, & things you did together. I am sure you have some good memories as well as not so good moments. Now, try creating some good memories with those you care about. If you get stuck along the way, ask a friend, family, or professional for some help.

Answer 3

As a therapist, I see people, young and old, begin to grieve around an anniversary of some sort regarding the lost loved one; a birthday of that person, the anniversary of their death, or special occasions. There is no time limit on grieving, nor is there a normal length of time to grieve. That is strictly personal and only you can know how long it will take for you to grieve this very important death. You can be sure, though, that your grief will make it to the surface, and you will grieve the loss, in some way at some time. It is very sad, that at that very important time in your life you did not have someone who was supportive of what was happening in your life. I know that could not have been easy. Give yourself permission to grieve the loss of your mom, and forgive yourself for the fact that you have not done it until now, because it seems that you have a lot of guilt around this event.

Answer 4

I feel for your loss, I've been through something similar. You definitely need to get closure. It is normal to have those feeling resurface, even at times when you least expect it.

The problem is that you will get closure until you forgive yourself. Your mother was aware of how abusive your relationship was and she doesn't hold it against you. I know that it is hard to understand but it is the truth. Your mother loved you and nothing you could do or not do could change that. To her it was more important that you sort out your life than attend a funeral.

Go ahead and grieve it is normal just grow in your understanding of the process. Feeling the loss is not wrong, just don't waste feeling bad, use the memory of your mother to inspire you to be the man she always wanted you to be.

Answer 5

Yes, I think it is absolutely normal. You were never given a chance to grieve due to the life situation you were in at the time. Now that you are out of that unhealthy relationship, you have the "freedom" for those feelings you never dealt with to come to the surface.

I don't think we ever "get over" the death of a parent, but the pain does become less as the years go by. That doesn't mean it will ever go away completely because certain sights or occurrences may remind you of that person.

Answer 6

My mom was killed in a car accident in 1998. I still get sad sometimes around the anniversary of her death and I sometimes still cry because I miss her. I miss her during the holidays but I still am able to enjoy myself and the holidays aren't ruined. You need to allow yourself to grieve. I do think it's normal to grieve now because you didn't have the opportunity to grieve at the time it happened. Grieving can take a long time but it doesn't mean you'll be depressed the entire time. When you're sad, allow yourself to be sad. Go ahead and cry. When you're happy, allow yourself to be happy. It's okay to experience all sorts of feelings, even anger at your mom for leaving you. Eventually you'll be able to think about your mom and not be so sad. Remember, it's okay to experience joy too. It's not disrespectful to your mom and it doesn't mean you don't miss her. Things do get better. I promise. You may want to consider seeing a grief counselor. They are trained to help people through the grieving process. There are probably books in the self-help section of your local bookstore or library that address this subject as well.
Marjorie

Answer 7

First...how horrible that must have been for you to have been in love with someone so callous. I'm glad she's your EX.

Second...everyone has different periods of time for grieving, but I think a second loss - as well as a delay in the grieving period - causes grief to be extended. I'll give you a personal example: When my late husband died 23 years ago, I tried to rush the grieving period and began dating a man five months later. We had been together for seven months when he up and married his old girlfriend. This second loss of someone only intensified the feelings of my first loss, and I had to begin the grieving process all over again. In essence, the same thing happened to you when your girlfriend was no longer in your life for whatever reason.

So, in answer to your question, yes, it is normal for feelings of grief to resurface.

Celebrate your Mom's birthday each year by doing something special with one of your siblings or someone close to you...even if it's just an extra-long telephone call between you in Texas and your remaining family in Illinois or elsewhere; and remember her each year on the date of her death by doing the same thing. My daughter and I have done this for the past 23 years.

My heart goes out to you. God bless.

Answer 8

First of all, WOW, your girlfriend was so supportive - especially when you were faced with one of the top devastating events that we must endure in our lives (and long distance yet) - She's a REAL keeper!

Anyway, I had not had much experience when faced with the loss of people to whom I am/was close to, BUT then one of the most devastating things occurred...my little brother (41yrs) unexpectedly died of a brain hemorrhage, 2 years ago last July. As torn up as I was at the time of his death, I have noticed that my sorrow comes in waves and often surfaces for all kinds of reasons-- from hearing a particular song on the radio to smelling a food we used to enjoy together...I know that I will never get over losing my most favorite person in the world...My parents are still alive, but I can only imagine how empty I will feel when they are no longer on this earth! I know that my mother still wells up when she speaks about her parents.

I am very sorry for your loss and I hope that you give yourself a break in charting what is normal or abnormal when it comes to matters of the heart. EVERY single person deals with things differently and death is not an easy thing to get over. Yeah, yeah, I know that it is a part of life, but it (death) sucks alot of the time! Take Care!

Answer 9

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. I am glad to hear that you got rid of the girlfriend. Yes, it is normal for your feelings to finally come to the surface. You have to feel the grief in order to get through it. Now take the time and grieve. But also don't forget all of the good times you shared with your mother. Know that she is in a better place. I can't answer you on does the emptiness ever go away with the loss of a parent, and I can't deal with people telling you they know how you feel when they haven't experienced it. (I had a husband who committed suicide when I was 18. If I would of heard one more person tell me that they knew how I felt I was going to scream.) I am still blessed with both of my parents. I am also very grateful for the time I have with them.
Good Luck and God Bless

Answer 10

I'm so sorry to hear of your great loss - I just spent the day at a funeral for my aunt...

The only thing that comes to mind is that maybe you should hold your own Memorial service for your mother with some caring friends or family members who would like to help you feel better. Get pictures of your mom, write down what you would like to say about your mom/ or to your mom. You could have someone read it for you if you don't think you could get thru it. have a small service - with music, sing a specail song with every one, buy some flowers you could take to where she is burried. Have other people say words of remembrance about your mom too.
Just because there is no casket does not mean you can not have a memorial service for your mom. Maybe then you could get some closure.. She will be there in spirit and that is what counts.

Answer 11

It sounds like you were estranged from your mother when she died. It is normal to grieve now when you never completed the process then. You may also have regrets about your relationship that you need to work through now that you can grieve her loss.

I lost my father 6 years ago. We were very close. Holidays are still very hard, as are his birthday and the anniversary of his death. It is very hard to lose a parent. It changes the way you view the world and your place in it. It is a normal transition, but it still takes some getting used to as your new normal.