Should I leave my alcoholic husband?

Question

We have a 2 month old daughter and have been together for 10 years. He's been drinking for 8 years and I foolishly got married to him 3 years ago. He keeps promising to stop but every promise is always broken. I am a stay at home mom and I dont have any money for myself since we are just making enough to get by. I have nowhere else to turn except to my mom and step-dad. I would feel like such a loser being 27 years old with a child and having to live with my mom. I dont have anywhere else to turn to. I'm tired of the arguing even though none are physical, but I dont want to raise my daughter in this environment. I have wasted years waiting for him to change, and I am fed up. Will my mother think bad of me if I explain to her whats goin on? What should I do? Please help me.

I should add that I did work from when I wsa 16 until I had the baby 2 months ago. I want to go back to work now but I cannot afford day care. Around here, they charge about $350.00 a week and thats about what I would make after taxes and insurance and stuff. I would not have any money to pay rent or get groceries or support my daughter. This is just another reason getting out is so hard.

Answer 1

First and foremost, my answer to you is Yes.
I'll explain in a minute, but first I am going to answer the question "Will my mother think bad of me if I explain to her whats goin on?"; No! If your mother is open hearted and loves you as her daughter she will understand what you're going through and help you out. You are not the alcoholic, you are the bigger person, getting away from the alcoholism before it effects you and your child any worse. I'm pretty sure your mother will be happy to lend a hand to you, you're in need.
Now, I say you need to leave because obviously his promises mean nothing. My father is and has been an alcohol abuser for most of his life. He has done some crazy and horrible things when he was not sober which have set me in my ways to have no sympathy for alcoholics. My family gave him chance after chance after chance to get help. He constantly refused help and says he doesn't have a problem but that he'll drink less, he promised. Lies.Lies.Lies. When alcohol becomes a major part of your life, that is all you can do is lie about it.
If for 8 years your husband has been drinking, promising to stop, and hasn't then I hate to say this but there's not much hope.
My father was the same way and guess what? He's still drinking. He doesn't care that I have to get counseling due to the heavy weight he put on my families shoulders. My sisters and I have serious issues with trusting people, men in general, because of him. He promises my mom time and time again (still to this day) that he is going to stop with drinking and what was he doing today? Drinking beer from 9am-10pm when he went to bed. I'm sure you can only imagine. I will be graduating this year and I'm excited because I will be getting away from this alcoholic!! He has taught me nothing in life but the type of man that I will never allow myself to be with. Get out of this marriage as soon as possible because living with an alcoholic is not a good environment to be in especially for your child. Your daughter will end up having serious trust and insecurity issues if you continue to be with this man. I speak only for myself knowing exactly how it feels to have to tolerate an alcoholic for such a long time... I was so young having to deal with his alcoholism, don't put your child through that. Also, my dads alcoholism lead my mom to drink as well. She believed (and still believes) that she needs his income as well as hers to pay the bills and such, so she figured she'll stay with him. AND to her, the only way to stay with him is to lower herself to his level so she can ease the "pain" when really it's causing herself issues of her own.
My last bit of advice to you is what a priest old my mom. I've said it on here before and I'll say it again because although my mom didn't listen to his piece of advice, I am hoping that by putting it out there for others to read, someone will listen and get away from the pain.
"If a person is drowning in a pool, it is OK to save them. But, if the person keeps making the mistake of drowning & everytime you try to save them, they pull you under with them, then at some point you have to just stop trying to save them and let them drown on their own."
Best Wishes for you and your 2 month old!

Answer 2

HI,

I was very much in your situation a few years (7) back, only my daughter was a bit older. My ex was an alcoholic. And he was not a nice drunk, while never physically abusive he was verybally abusive and wouldpick fights and arguments 2-4- times a week that were terrible.

After years of this I finally one day saw what it was doing to my daughter, then 11. It was distroying her. She seldom smiled and was fearful of inviting her friends over, she was afraid of her father. It was not a nice situation. That was when I finally decided it was time to call it quits. I should have done it years earlier.

I won't lie to you and tell you it was easy. It wasn't. but looking back on it now, it was the best thing I ever did for my child. Please don't listen to the people that tell you to keep themarriage together for the sake of the child. It is NOTworth it to them. They are better off without the alcoholic parent.

Your daughter is young now and I would advise you to make the break now before he can do the sort of damage that was done to my daughter. If you need someone who has been there, done that and has the T-shirt. feel free to email me.

Answer 3

That is great you have a new baby, but a bit of a challenge. Do you have a relative or friend that would babysit so you could get a job? You have to be able to support yourself but first and foremost you have to get some money saved. You need to find a trustworthy setter and get a job. Save your money, don't tell him what you make. The state will pay for a setter if you move out. Find a sitter most important thing, then look for a job. You have to get your ducks in a row. I went through it and it will only hold you back from getting ahead in life. Get away as soon as you can. I am sure your parents would be glad to get you and the baby out of the mess!

Answer 4

I would give him one last chance to sober up. I grew up in an alcoholic family and I drink maybe once every 3mths and I have one or two drinks. I get drunk maybe twice a year if even. His family isn't really an excuse for him. Yes that was normal for him growing up, but obviously in the real world its not normal. I hate to say it though no matter how many times my dad has hit rock bottom and swore he would never drink again he still has a problem to this day. The longest he stayed sober was a year and then it was back to the same thing all over. That might be what you have to look forward to, but who knows some ppl are successful at quiting.

Answer 5

you should make a choice to stay and tell him what his options are?
1. go to AA and get help.
2. if he feels he drinking is more important than his family,you are leaving or kick him out.
3 you leave go to your mothers set her down and be honest explain to her yes , you made a mistake but your ready to take responsibility for you mistake and that's why you are there for her moral support. Mothers are just as understanding once she gets past the anger that her daughter and grandchild have been treated wrong, I have to believe your mother loves you. Plus you are not a loser, unless you stay and put up with his drinking,
I wish you and your daughter all the best in what life has to offer. You take a stand and you hold your head high and show your daughter at this is not how you should be treated . once you leave he may take along look at what has happened, it may do him good.

Answer 6

EXPLAIN this situation to your mother and step-father -- then MAKE a PLAN to leave this Alcoholic (because YOU are ENABLING him to continue with the Alcoholism) and START getting out and getting a job or go back to school -- because no matter what -- you can NOT allow your child or yourself to live in this situation.

You are 27 and have not worked? Wow -- at LEAST your mother is STILL Alive and you can talk to her (me, I buried my parents as a very young adult, and left a bad marriage -- but all the time I was working, put myself through college, continued with my career, married (stayed working) then divorced (continued to work), was a single parent (long term -- still worked), and now am retired.

So YOU need to START getting yourself READY to leave and be PREPARED to GO OUT and WORK every day for your future and the future of your child. Sadly, this is NOT uncommon -- and many women are WORKING and having to do so because there is NO CHOICE in the matter. Moving back with your parent for the short term is NOT a bad idea -- but it should be short term and YOU need to start developing the skills you need to live independently.

HINT -- your mother will NOT think bad of you if YOU explain you have a PLAN to move out after you get on your feet and get trained and have a job -- that this is TEMPORARY and you WILL contribute and be willing to comply with any house rules your mother and stepfather may set for you and your child. GET the PLAN together and get to work!

Answer 7

call your mom and talk to her tell her everything if she gives you a negative feed back just take it in it probably will hurt you but at the same time it will make you stronger its better to hear it form her than a total stranger mom will help im pretty sure she will want her grandchild to grow up in a healthy environment if she lets you move back in get child care and find a job save up $ so you can afford your own place also go get child support and tell your hubby he has to get himslef so help asap its not fair to you or the child and your not a loser for needing your moms help we all at sometime inlife need to go back home to start over this time you know that things can only get better for you and the baby good luck

Answer 8

It depends on how bad it is. I think you need to not get on him that bad right now for the sake of your baby. I know that is not a very popular thing to say.
My husband is an alcoholic as well. Try to negotiate with him. Tell him he needs to go on the wagon for just a week , etc.
guilt him about being drunk around the baby.
Don't yell at him and get on him really badly when the baby is in the house, it's not worth it. There is another way of giving up too, you know. Just act happy and be content and look past it, stop trying to fight it all together and let him do whatever he wants. I know it will be hard , but right now with your small child, you are very very vulnerable and you don't want to go jumping from the frying pan into the fire.
Just look past it and say to yourself, well, I got my baby and a roof over my head.
You said you have your mom right? well, start working out, get some new cloths and start looking good. Make some new friends and start your own life. Use your mom for a baby sitter and when he steals time from you , YOU steal time right back for yourself. Just start to look at him like a peice of drunken furniture that stumbles in and ignore it. Dont' let it ruin your day, you're too tired and you have better things to do. Don't talk to him at ALL , ignore him completely and tell him (only when he's sober) if he insists on talking to you that you want him to go to AA meetings. In the meantime, get in touch with alanon and slip him brochures.
Get your life in order and concentrate on yourself. Fighting with a drunk person might be even worse with the little baby in the house than just the drunk person alone. Just make sure you never leave the kid with him to watch. He can't be trusted to watch the kid close enough for it not to drown in the tub or something. Don't trust him with anything like that, just start to build your life up by excluding him and continue to live your life and insist on making happyness for yourself, refuse to let him drag you down....... But don't leave. that's just stupid., not right now anyway. There are better options that will make your life happier in the long run and work to your benefit.

Answer 9

PLEASE talk to your mother. Explain to her what is going on and don't feel ashamed for asking for help. If your mother doesn't understand or cannot help you for whatever reason, keep telling friends, family or whomever will listen. Al-anon is a great program for you to look into. There are women there in very similar circumstances and they will understand. You did not cause the alcoholism, you cannot change the alcoholic, nor can you control what another person does. You CAN do what is best for you and your daughter. Good luck to you and keep us posted.

Answer 10

I think you need to break up with him and soon. His alcoholic behavior is dangerous, especially towards your daughter. Most abusive husbands and fathers are alcoholics so it is a very real possibility he could become an abuser. I would go back home, find a job and begin a new chapter in your life. Trust me you are not alone, there are hundreds of mother with your same problem. But you need to put the needs of your daughter first, and you owe her a safe environment to grow up in.