What is wrong with me?

Question

I will admit that I had a terrible time giving birth to my first child and went through post partum. However I lost ALL of my baby weight and am still fashionable and attractive. I cook, I clean, I SWEAR I do not nag or complain about my husband. Why, why, why does he say that I do not do enough around the house even though it's clean enough for my baby to eat his cheerios off the floor and say I am lousy in bed (I never had any complaints when I was single or before we were married for that matter) and I DO NOT claim I have a headache, I rarely say no to sex. I've done everything I can think of to try and make my husband happy, but I fail dismally. I'm completely miserable.

Answer 1

Oh, honey, there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

You are being subjected to emotional abuse. It's a way that too many men use to control their wives. By making you feel like less, they keep you under their control. You end up thinking you are worth nothing, and that no one else could want you.

This is very serious. Search on the web for Domestic Violence, Emotional Abuse. You will find so many symptoms of what is happening to you, that you will realize that you are not alone.

Emotional abuse breaks down your self-confidence. Another contribution factor (one you didn't mention) is cutting you off from your friends and family, who could counter his negative messages with positive ones about you. Don't listen if he tells you that your friends or family are not worth your time.

You need to spend time with people who consider you the worthwhile, wonderful person that you are. And you need to take steps to protect yourself against the negative messages your husband is sending you. They are meant only to break you down, but listening to them and only them, for any length of time will cause you to come to believe them (as it looks like you're starting to do).

You are not failing dismally. You are wonderful, and worthy of much more respect and love than you are currently getting.

Answer 2

Oh, you poor thing. It sounds like it's not you, it's him. Maybe he isn't adjusting well to being a father. He may also feel the financial pressure to support the family now. Your guy may also be jealous of the time and energy you need to devote toward the baby, so he criticizes everything you do. And as far as sex, some men struggle internally with having sex with a woman who is now a mother. It's recently been found that men can suffer post-partum depression too. Depending on how open your guy is with his feelings, maybe you can talk to him.

I hope there's a trusted professional you can ask for help such as your OB/GYN or pediatrician.

Answer 3

HI there,

Your husband sounds like a control freak! and somebody that needs a lesson.

Turn the tables on him play hard to get ( firstly) then he will start to rethink his position interms of he will wonder what is up, ask him to stay at home and look after the baby whilst you go out for a while Movies out for a coffee etc do not say you are going with a friend as he will tell you how much of ***** she is, and that will somebody in position that they don't deserve to be in !
and when he comes onto you just say im not into it at the moment don't use headaches etc.
Your husband is all about power and control and needs to brought down a peg or 2 as to give yourself to
somebody is worth that pig treating you like a lady and an equal. or greater. And good sex is about Chemistry not anything else ( like they say it takes 2 to tango) meaning you can't be great lover on your own.
Also i am a guy and trust me guy's ( generally speaking) hate to not be complete control.
Good luck
Adrian.

Answer 4

Awww, sweetie. It's not your fault. It's really not. Your husband quite frankly sounds controlling and honestly a wee bit on the abusive side. You could perfect for him and it wouldn't be enough. Chances are really good he has a very low self-esteem. It's also not you who needs him. It's him that needs you. Guys like that are afraid you'll leave them, but instead of making you want to stay by loving you and supporting you, they beat you down, make you believe you're nothing without them. Don't let him do that to you. YOU are trying too hard and you aren't doing a darn thing wrong. HE'S the one who needs to step up, not you. Start saying no to sex more often. Make him work for your affection. If he's mean to you, roll over and say nope, sorry. Don't put up with it. You deserve better than that.

Answer 5

Even when you know a person very well.... you may never know why... they do or say certain things. I believe in not giving up and attempting to find a solution. But, first let me say this.... IT IS NOT YOU. Here is what you can do & the situation will change, it may not change the way you want it too (from his side) but from your side... it will. YOU CANNOT CHANGE ANYONE EXCEPT FOR YOURSELF, so don't try. CHANGE YOU. Change the way you "react" to him.... As they say, for every action there is a reaction. If you change the way you are around him... he will be forced to change, for he won't be getting the satisfaction, if indeed that is how he feels of making you miserable. People say mean things... there is something wrong with his life if he is lashing out at you, something he may not be able to communicate. BUT YOU DO NEED TO COMMUNICATE IF YOU HAVE ANY CHANCE OF SURVIVING. Just change.. you and then he will follow....I wish you the best.

Answer 6

Think about this you cook, clean do everythig that a wife suppose to do give him everything and when he complains you still try to do better , have you every stop in your tracks and say hey I am not the problem him it maybe you. Tell him how this is making you miserable. i think you are doing a great job by cooking and cleaning, you got some women in this world that don't do a thing.

Answer 7

First, quit bashing yourself. Fro what Ive just read, youre not to blame and none of this is your fault. This is what happens when the male macho ego has high expectations of something (marriage) or someone (you) and they dont happen. His fault for having such high false ideas. You nor anyone can ever meet this guys expectations or make himreally happy no matter what you do. So quit destroying your self esteem, just be yourself truly and what ever happens will happen no matter what you do. Just remember if the worst does happen,youll be awarded custody of your baby along with support and the house and half of everything else, so he better think of what he can lose if he continues. Good luck

Answer 8

Wow I do complain about my husband all the time and he puts up with it and tries to get me in a better mood. If I were you, I'd probably file for a divorce IF I was as sweet as you! If the house was a mess, I complain about that until I get it all clean again. My mouth will run run run until the house is clean again, then I shut up and sit down. Husband even helps me clean and just listens to me.

Answer 9

If what you say is absolutely true (and my guess is there is probably a 2nd side) then for now I will give you the benefit of the doubt and say, you are not a failure - he would be the failure in that he is obviously not supportive or appreciative of your efforts. That being said, this DOES NOT give you the right to reject, tell him off, leave or otherwise compromise your marriage. You need to both seek counseling and figure this out.

Answer 10

It's not your fault then. HE is having issues of some kind. Sounds like he wants to make YOU FEEL like you are worthless. You KNOW you are not worthless. This is his way of keeping you in line. It's stupid - it's ridiculous. I had an ex like that. I'm on second marriage and married now 25 years. My first marriage -- my ex was JUST like that. You are over-doing it. Did you notice the "ex" part of that? Yes, because I KNEW I was worth more than he made me feel. He was also controlling --- bet your guy is too. He's probably pretty insecure himself. Let him start feeling like he's losing you. He'll change -- I can guarantee it. Be strong. Not all guys do this sort of thing. But if you put up with it, your self esteem is going to go right out the window. Hang in there girl --- and don't let him destroy you. Notice how crappy you feel about yourself right now? Gee, doesn't sound to me like you deserve that kind of treatment.