old version
once upon a time there was a miserable girl.......
She used to cry in the rain
knowing the she can never ride the train,
she wanted to move on
but she always held on
her friends told her to be strong
then her man came along
he was tall and handsome
but always sat at home
he never goes out
so the relationship was put
she carried on
but never was strong
there was nothing she could do or say
she's been so weak since that day
That day, That day when she fell
when her best friend rang the bell
then she opened the door
and her friend told her you are a whore
for she had cheated with her friends man
then she slapped the girl and ran
the girl cried in the rain
and got on the train and moved away
she finally moved on
and met a guy called Ron
he was appreciative
and she stated her prerogative
and both were affirmative
they got married later
and they lived happily ever after
and their life was filled with joy and laughter
2006-08-26 10:38:44 · 19 answers · asked by ? 2 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Music
new version
Once upon a time there was a miserable girl
She uzd 2 cry in the rain
Knowing the she can never ride the train
She wanted 2 move on
But she always held on
Her friends told her 2 be strng
Then her man came alng
He was tall & hndsome
With eyes as dark as the shadows
& hair as red as raging flames
But she wished he were as nice as he looked
4 hes juvenile
Jumping from a girl 2 another
Seeking pleasure
still she realized that shes not cheap 2 waste her dignity 2 a guy like this
thus she kissed him goodbye
& she carried on
But never was strong
There was nothing she could do or say
She has been so weak since that day
That day when she fell
When her best friend rang the bell
& told her you are a whore
4 she had cheated with her friends man
Then she slapped the girl & ran
She tried 2 explain herself
She wanted 2 tell her that she was drunk & unconscious
yet her friend gave Damn about her
2006-08-26 10:45:10 · update #1
The girl cried in the rain
& got on the train & ran away
She moved away 2 start over
She moved on & found a lover
She met this amazing man
He was admiring caring & kind
& shes ecstatic
Then one day she recalled this person
He uzd 2 work 4 her in the office
& she wondered“Could it be that its true that its him”
She thought“its kinda funny hes always there I never opened my eyes”
Months later
They got married
& they lived happily ever after
& their life was filled with joy & laughter
2006-08-26 10:53:02 · update #2
wow....u have talent. i like both versions, but i think the second one is better. i really like the way your poem tells a story and not just describing one feeling like emily dickenson...she's way too depressing...she wont shut up and get on with the point. anyway, i really like your poem...you should go get it publushed...or you can go to www.poetry.com and join...they can give you some feedback and help you if there is any room for improvement (i doubt there is). anyway, i think it's a pretty damn good poem.
2006-08-26 11:06:24 · answer #1 · answered by Sultana 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
As a poet, there are a few things you need to do.
1) Learn to spell.
2) Its a poem, not a story
The second version sounded more like a beginning for a novel.
2006-08-26 17:49:00 · answer #2 · answered by John M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
honestly? its alright. but the fact that it has no straight structure is a bit disturbing. not in a really bad way, just in a reading kind of way, one stanza has two lines, one has three, and one has six. i think you should go for more structure. coz this is kinda hard to read as it is. you might want to try something where you dont have any stanzas.
2006-08-26 17:45:32 · answer #3 · answered by give it to me baby 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the first one
2006-08-26 17:49:08 · answer #4 · answered by palakea 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Plato said once,No Comments.smile
2006-08-26 17:45:41 · answer #5 · answered by uncoolmom 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry man, but that sucked. One thing is true that girl you talked about is a whore.
2006-08-26 17:42:37 · answer #6 · answered by Dr. Doom 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's better trust me but if u feel that something is wrong with it then read through it again and again until you find what you think is missing.
2006-08-26 17:42:11 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Sorry. I guess it's okay, but its uncapitalized and all that other informal stuff. If you wanted the poem to be informal, though, it's good.
2006-08-26 17:41:42 · answer #8 · answered by Aloofly Goofy 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
hey i love it
especially 'door' and 'wh*re*
very talented! 4/5
2006-08-26 17:47:59 · answer #9 · answered by Paula 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
didn't see the first one but i hope this one is an improvement....there is still room for more, plenty more, not words....improvement
2006-08-26 17:44:17 · answer #10 · answered by jolenenicola 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋