What is going on in my marriage?

Question

My husband of 18 years is now living alone in a flat which he has purchased and furnished. 8 months ago I found out he was having an affair. He said it wasn't how it looked but he had wanted to have time out as he wasn't sure he could do the marriage anymore. He is younger than me and has never lived alone. He says he needs time alone to sort himself out. He gave me to understand that the affair is finished. Since he left 2 weeks ago, he has been round the house constantly, he has eaten with us (we have a daughter of 16) he has taken me out to dinner, he has slept at the house once, we have slept together and we are going on holiday just him and I . This is confusing me and I am afraid to love him in case he is just doing this out of guilt only to slowly drop me in the future.I still love him very much and want nothing more than to put this behind us but am afraid to push him for an answer. He is 41.

Answer 1

Every marriage has ups and downs. But cheating, and moving into their own place isn't reasonable. Exactly WHY does he get all the options? Marriage isn't "if he feels like it this week" It's forever. Tell hubby that play time is over. He moves home, and lives as man and wife, or he picks up the rest of his stuff, and you file for divorce. Then do it.

Answer 2

This guy may be 41 in years but not mentally. It sounds like he has alot of growing up to do. Sort himself out at 41? Thats what you do when youre 25 or so, not at 41. By now he should pretty much know where he wants to go so it sounds like he feeding you a line of bull. And how can an affair not be what it looks like? Being older, you should be able to see right thru this guy no matter what your feelings tell you. The parts right after "he left 2 weeks ago" is him using you. Time for some tough love and find out what this guy is really up to. It wont kill him, but you absolutely need to know where this is going and he needs to make a firm committment to whatever lifestyle hes living. Hes having his cake and eating too and youre playing his game. Hes trying to control you completely with these little kid games and you dont need it. You are definitely far better then this guy so times here to get some real answers and either get on with your life or marriage with no more affairs, no more mind games,and not with him in control. Once he sees he has you exactly where he wants you, none of this will stop. You can try marriage counseling but I seriously doubt if he will go or just end it and send him packing. Good luck

Answer 3

ok let's start with the age difference he's 41 how old are you? are you more than 5 years older than him? this lady you say he's supposed to be seeing could she be an old freind giving him advice on what to do with whatever is going on between the two of you. maybe he's a bit confused and needs someone to help him understand some things that he may not have expected before.if he has come back to you give him time to get his thoughts together and see where things lead over time.maybe with a little time things willget back to normal and the two of you can get things back to where they should be.you might at some point want to talk to him yet don't rush into it if there's something on his mind he will let you know eventually and the two of you can then work it out and see what comes of things from that point.if the two of you really love one another you will find a way to work it out so you can once again be happy.and enjoy life as you did before this all took place.don't push him for answers yet you might ask him if there is something wrong.maybe over time he will bring to your attention what has been on his mind and then maybe you can together work it out.

Answer 4

hunny, first, you already love him so being you shouldn't be afraid, number 2 don't wait for him, after 18 years and now he needs his space. If you know who that affair was with ask them maybe they can help you discover what you really want to know, It sounds a little like guilt from you and you have to put the blame on back on him instead of you. You deserve so much more, if you what to wait and see what the Holiday brings that is up to you. my heart goes out to you, I completely understand. God Bless,have a great Holiday, and i hope you get want you want.

Answer 5

You say you're confused and still in love with him, and you don't want to push for an answer?? You better push first before he pushes you over for someone else again! Get a backbone and ask for what you want. This holiday you're going on is the perfect time.

For now, put your feelings in your pocket and concentrate on his. Ask him objectively what it is that he wants, what he plans on doing, and tell him what he is doing to you. DON'T sleep with him at all UNTIL you get satisfactory answers. Why? Because if you do, he'll start to think he can just use your life as a revolving door, and you'll always be confused and hurt, and not know why. Get over that "I don't want to hurt him" stuff and communicate with him. Good luck.

Answer 6

If he want time he needs to say away from you and your family.And allow you time to heal to.He's put a wedge between you to by having the affair now you feel like you don't trust him anymore yet,you still care about him.You both need time apart to heal from the hurt that he's caused.And you need to just sit down and tell him how you feel without it he's going to keep coming around like everything is ok when you know deep inside your hurting.And it will only get worse.Take care of you first and then you will soon know if he's the one you should be with.His actions will tell.Good Luck!!

Answer 7

Ask him if he is sorted out yet? You are under an impression that this whole sorting out thing is over and you want to hear it from his lips. If he doesn't give you a straight answer...I would definately cut him off until he grows back up. You could very well be strung along because his "girlfriend" broke up with him, and he's keeping his options open cause he thinks she may come back to him. In otherwords...you're getting sloppy seconds on this meal.

More reality, less bullsh!t.

Answer 8

Take sometime to think about these new living arrangements your husband choose. Instead of trying to please your husband think about yourself. You may not want to leave your husband, but maybe your husband has already left you. Try to focus on something’s that you enjoy doing. Remember you only have one life to live and your husband is not spending his life with you. You may not want to push him into making a decision, but if your husband truly loves you he would be home in your arms. If he is willing maybe you should try seeing a psychologists. Always put your happiness first above all things!!!!

Answer 9

Angela,

He is one confused person - first he left and purchased an apartment, then he come into the home he left to resume his husband and father duties. Wow - as one person said you are one nice person - you are a jewel. This is your choice on what to do - but what will prevent him from leaving again. Men go through mid-life crisis, but I believe he went a little too far. Best wishes, if you want to correspond just email me from my 360 page.

Answer 10

I know you don't want to push him for answers but you deserve to know what's in store for you. Ask him in a non threatening way. Just tell him you're not expecting anything...just that you're confused on where you stand with him. You can't wait on him forever and sooner or later, you will have to start looking out for yourself and well being too. Ask him as soon as possible because you can't go on second guessing his motives and having to put your life on hold for him in the process.