I am 17 i just wrote this song what do you think please please answer and please please be honest!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Question

Hey there
Do you even notice that it’s all wrong?
That we’re all wrong?
That I am just a girl you bring along.
But I know you are searching for something more.
And I can’t stand in your way
Anymore.
I don’t know where things fell apart
But they did
And we grew apart.
So here I say
Goodbye.
It’s time,
It’s time,
Goodbye.
Just don’t stick around and ask me why
Just move on
Leave me now
When you see me in a crowd, just pass me by.
Because I know deep down that
We’re not right.
It’s not right.
So take this song
And move along.
And as I cry
It’s okay.
I’m okay.
It’s time,
It’s time,
…goodbye.

Answer 1

I've read and reread your lyric, trying to place the genre and imagine some kind of melody that might fit it. I've come up empty at both. This is teenaged angst. I've also read the other comments your lyric has elicited, and they all seem useful in one fashion or another, even the negative ones. Pay attention to the constructive criticisms, and continue writing. Don't stop but, rather, learn more about what it is you're trying to do and become perfect. Even though I'm not crazy about this particular lyric, the fact that you were able to express yourself in this medium is positive, and that makes your lyric a darned fine place to start.

Answer 2

I'm sorry, but at the moment I cannot call this a song. It's a poem, but songs need more rythym and organization. You need verses, a chorus, and some kind of definite ending. As far as your writing style, focus less on repetition and more on your overall word choice. I love the message you're trying to convey, and I feel that with a little work this could be a great song. It's definitely something many can relate to. Try to remove any cliches, work on your ryhming and organization, and try back.

Example of a song format...

Hey there, do you even notice
That we're all wrong?
That I'm just the girl
You bring along?

But I know you are searching
For something more
And I can't stand
In your way anymore

(chorus)

Then another verse, chorus, your ending. Mix it up however you like.

Answer 3

This is an excellent start.
You have a very good, finished, idea.
There's a mold-able structure. i.e. Verse, (refrain) verse, chorus, verse, chorus, fade.
But a song needs music. These are just lyrics. Albeit good lyrics, they're just lyrics. If you can play piano or guitar try putting some changes with your lyrics. If you don't play. Look for a collaborator. Before you do anything else though, protect your work. Go to this site http://www.copyright.gov/ and read the instructions on how to register your work.
Here's a tip. write your lyrics and all of your other finished ideas (lyrics, poems, sayings, essays, etc.) in one booklet. Then register the whole booklet.
Whatever you do don't stop writing. AND don't give your work away. posting your work on a public forum like this jeopardizes your copyright. So unless you protect it don't post it!
Of course, that's if you want to make money with it, if your intention is to just be free with your creations then sign your moniker to them and post away! Maybe Beyonce or whomever will see your post and make a gazillion $$$ off your idea.
Good luck

Answer 4

Uh, in general it's quite good, but for pop, not rock. Quite like the "That I am just a girl you bring along" line. But lose the "So take this song/and move along", and "hey there" and the "...goodbye" at the end unless you're going to fade in/out with it. The refrain "it's time/It's time" really works, but more meat on the bones is needed. You're new at this, right? Keep writing, you've got potential.

Answer 5

Too sweet, my deary! Okay...choose your chorus and repeat it a few times with in the lyric/story line. Take some hints from a favorite artist. A few of mine are Gwen Stephani and the legend Bert Backerat (sorry for the spelling of the last name...it may not be exact). Check out how it is done- chorus', that is. Good job...I could really imagine this situation and scene. You have been very expressive and creative, too. Bravo.

Answer 6

Actually pretty good. I like the fact that you didn't feel obligated to butcher the meter in the name of getting some kind of rigid and trite rhyme scheme going. My suggestion is, find a friend who knows music, and see if the two of you together can set this thing to a tune.

Answer 7

it sounds a bit on the weak side. (sorry)

it needs a twist -
if it was country:

"it's all wrong...
lets get together at the bar, so that we will not be so far!"

feminst:
"its all wrong...
so grab your stuff, and get out of here without a huff!'

s/m:
"its all wrong...
I'm tired of all the pain, you have nothing to gain.
so why don't you just strip and I'l o get my whip!

(Hmmm, I guess that one probably wil not over too well)

Comic version:
"Its all wrong...
so pack your bag, you make me gag.
hop on a plane...

I hope you suffer from some serious jet lag"

play around with it - try to see if from another perspective rather than your own.

wanna get together for a one-night stand and release some of your tension?

Just kidding - it was a joke.

Answer 8

It's a bit light on the lyrics. Very trite. You need to live a bit more to write a song such as the one you are trying to write. And a song has music remember. This is just simple rhyme.

Answer 9

I like it, very insightful about how a person feels before they break up with someone that they've been with for a while. Keep working on writing songs, you're doing good.

Answer 10

I like it you have talent now honey write a happy song and you will be all set you have the talent you go girl