Hi, Can Anyone Tell Me A Nice Joke??

Question

I am not feeling well today, can anyone tell me a nice joke to lift up my spirit?? :-) Thanks!!

Answer 1

A guy calls his vet and says "What should I do with my cat?Vet says "What do you mean? Guy says "I had a leak in my lawnmowers gas tank and the cat drank the gas. Then the cat began to run around and around the yard, climbed a tree. then fell out of the tree stiff. Vet says "Is the cat dead? Guy replies "nope he ran out of gas.

Answer 2

Hello Honey, here's one joke for you, hope you love it:

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S *** OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day;
the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ***.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news;
posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS *** FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy
back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's *** and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a nice day!

Answer 3

What type of ship does Dracula captain?

A blood vessel!!!

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

Answer 4

sorry to hear that you're not feeling well. but a joke wont help you.

you gotta get up, go out, find someone who you can have an interesting conversation with.

im not available though, im sure a lot of guys out there will be more than willing to help you.

Answer 5

Everyone knows why the chicken cross the road.
But do you know why the turtle cross the road?
Because it is part of a fitness program that the turtle does everyday.

Answer 6

A Nice Joke.

feeling better now ?

Answer 7

then u can go fly kite or open the house window and shout at the people at the carpark say u not feeling well can anyone tell u joke....
osim ha ha ha

Answer 8

Knock Knock.

Answer 9

I won't tell you any joke but I hope you can get well soon

Answer 10

Here 4joke 4u.


Once Upon a Time Little Red Riding Hood...

Once upon a time Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest to her grandmother's house. She was carrying a basket full of wonderful goodies for her and her grandmother to eat...
she also had a big gun to protect herself in the woods.

One day Little Red Riding Hood came upon a Fox. The fox looked at Little Red and says "Little Red Riding hood, what are you doing walking in the forest by yourself. You know if the wolf catches you he will rip your clothes off and fondle your *******."

Little Red sighs and smiles at the fox and slowly opens her basket and shows the fox her gun and says "No he won't, see I have a gun to protect myself." She smiles and skips away from the fox to her grandmother's house.

Little red gets deep within the forest when she comes upon a bear who wanders up to her and smells the yummy food in the basket then thinks to himself for a second and says, "What are you, stupid, Little Red? You know if the Wolf catches you alone in the forest he's going to rip your clothes off and fondle your *******."

Little Red shows the bear the big gun in her basket and smiles, "No he won't I have a big gun in my basket ...." She pulls out the gun "See, nothing can harm me." Little Red smiles and skips to grandmother's house.

Little red finally makes it to grandmother's house...and knocks on the door...no one answers so she goes right in. She walks to the bed, sees the Wolf and screams as the Wolf yells, "Little Red Riding Hood, I am going to rip your clothes off and fondle your *******!"

The wolf reaches out to her and Little Red smiles and pulls out her gun and yells, "No you're not! You are going to EAT ME, JUST LIKE THE BOOKS SAYS!"

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A Fishy Story


Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

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Golfing With Wife


A lovely afternoon finds one fellow and his wife golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion.

"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."

He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific "whack"! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.

Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green. Again he begins to rant and rave at what this dilemma will do to his score. He friend, wanting to please him, makes a suggestion.

"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."

"No," the man replies, "last time I did that I got two over par."

------------------------------...

Don't Lie to Mom


John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day... Don't Lie To Your Mother.

U feel okay after tat?
Take Care