Sex is gone.... husband wasnt interested... had an affair... now what?

Question

Right after we got married the only time we would have sex was in the middle of the night. If I tried to initiate he pushed away.

I tried to talk about it but he never wanted to. I stopped having sex in the middle of the night - I wrongly thought he would want it during the day.

After that I started having an affair (I did not look for it, it just happend) I few months ago I quit that. I could not focus on making a decision about my marriage when I was distracted.

I love my husband - it has never been the butterfly-in-the-stomach kind of love. He is an AWESOME husband - text-book - just no chemistry. Even when we were dating the sex was only sporadic and felt forced.

Help!
I have thought about leaving- then I think I'm not giving it a chance. I dont want to throw away a great thing. I wont be happy without sex - cheating makes me feel more confused. I dont want to have sex with him now - maybe from everything that has happened.

What now? Counseling? Or am I done?

Answer 1

Highly recommend going to counseling, open communication about your relationship as well. In addition, why don't you guys start having dates again.. alone time and things to look forward to.

Hugs Mel

Answer 2

You don't give any time frame for all the above but... From what you've said it sounds as though the marriage never really 'started'! I would say that it isn't your fault, it was never going to happen. People say that sex is not everything, true... but it is the only thing in a marriage that is and should be 'only between the two of you'. Personally, I think it is already over, you have strayed and he wont talk. Tell him you want to talk over everything 'one2one' (the first phase of counseling) or you are leaving and if he won't talk then follow through with the threat... Good luck

Answer 3

Been there. Done that. Save yourself the torture and just get the hell out now. He isn't an awesome husband. He's neglecting you and refusing to discuss a very serious problem that needs some resolution. You are or have been having an affair with another man because the one you are married to has abandoned you both physically and emotionally. There is nothing awesome about this man. Stop fooling yourself and take care of yourself. If you don't no one else will. This won't get any better. You will continue to look for someone who can give you what you don't get from your husband. That will destroy your self-esteem and when, yes when, you get caught, everyone will look at you as "the problem." They won't care why you did what you did they will just see you as the unfaithful adulterous wife. Do you still think this guy is awesome?

Answer 4

If he is waking you in the middle of the night for sex, and turning you down anytime you initiate it, it sounds to me like he is trying to control you. What is he trying to avoid by waking you at night?

My husband did the same thing - I believe he liked the middle of the night, because he then didn't have to deal with me - no talking, no foreplay - my face is in the pillow and whoopee, are we having fun yet? I put a stop to it and got the same reaction you did. Now we haven't had sex in 8 years. I'm leaving him after almost 30 years. Soon. We have tried counseling on and off for many years. Nothing has helped. However, he has never been an "awesome" husband. He has always been controlling.

I would try counseling, but don't waste your life with a man who doesn't think enough of you to want to please you while you are awake. If the counseling doesn't help right away, run as fast as you can.

Answer 5

‘Textbook’ husband? Exactly what textbook are you reading that has the main and most important chapter, Chemistry, ripped out of it? Burn that book. As for affairs that just ‘happen’, well, you were not looking, I can buy that, but the best case is you were ‘lost’ and happy to be ‘found’. Newsflash: it was your conscious choice, anything else is rape.

In many ways you answer your own question, you need good sex, and you are not getting it. For you it’s a deal breaker, and that’s OK. Reality is that many women underestimate the importance of good sex when weighing up a man, thinking they can ‘rise above’ their own sexual needs. Why this is I have no idea, but woman fall for this same flaw like it’s the law of gravity. In a sense they can ‘make do’, but only at the expense of eroding their happiness to the point where they continually keep trying to convince themselves they SHOULD be happy with what they have in a nasty tight little blame circle they decide to live inside as self punishment.

Answer 6

Try to talk honestly about this with your husband, and look into some sex counseling. Different people have different sex drives. Maybe the 2 of you are just on the opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to sex. I wish I could cheer you up, but like Dr. Phil says, good sex in a marriage has about 10% importance. The lack of good sex in a marriage has about 90% importance. If you can't work it out, the marriage will never work. Just PLEASE don't bring children into this situation. That would make it soooo much worse.

Answer 7

Well I don't believe in counseling because nobody can step in and tell you how to feel or when to feel something. You know what makes you happy and evidently this marriage is not one of them. I know that when people get married they say it is for life, but can't no one predict what the future will hold. Everything happen for a reason and you probably are suppose to learn something from this experience. Sometimes we get into relationships and become prisoners to the relationship because we have settled in and got comfortable, but sometimes we need to speak and listen to our hearts in order for us to be happy.

Now as far as you having an affair, everyone make mistakes, and I am truly saying that as the person standing out looking in. As a spouse I would be completely pissed, but he is partly to blame. *Does not make it right* I think you should have went and talked to him about it. That way at least you can say you tried. Any how a marriage is two, but happiness should be apart of that two.

You were bold for posting this question and I do not want you to get down about some of the stupid things that people are going to say. This is your life and I believe you are confused.

Last but not least, pray on it and God will for sure give you advice on what to do.

GOOD LUCK

Answer 8

You are soooo done in fact you were done when you broke the vows you both took you went in search elsewhere to find what your Husband could not and was unwilling to give you the question is was it worth it and didnt you know all of this before you married him you said the sex was sporadic when you were dating him my dad says that how a man treats a woman while they are seeing eachother is how he will probably treat her after they are married Have you asked him is there is any reason why he only wants sex at night.

Answer 9

sounds a little like what i am going through. i would not say your done as of yet. but i have found that alot of men willnot want sex from a girlfriend or a wife if they feel unloved, disrespected. Its based on a number of things. There is a reason you married this man and there is a reason that you fell in love with him. seriously you need to come clean about the affair dont hold it in like i did for 5 years because it will make things alot worse. you want to try to start over with a clean slate you have to try to get him to sit and talk to you, or even have a thrid person in the room as a meditor. but you dont want to continue to cheat because you will never find the answers that you are seeking it need to be you and your husband no one else.take my advice and tell him come clean about the situation and tell him exactly why you did what you did and how you feel about your marriage and then you two as a couple as husband and wife need to decide if your marriage is worth saving.

Answer 10

He may not have an affair but his sex drive might have gone down. You should persuade him to live with you. A married couple MUST live together, otherwise, such doubts do arise unnecessarily. Don't fight. Be cool & polite with him. When you're with him, let him be medically checked up. You have not given him chances of loving sufficiently physically. everyone may not take interest in sex all the time. You have to arouse him well every night.

Answer 11

Sounds like you are the one confused. Some men don't like sex much, , they do other things to make a marriage stay together. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. Maybe you just want more effection etc. He sounds like a winner, being true to you and a good huisband. Your not being fare to him or yourself if you keeping things going for the wrong reason.. Try to work things out or let it end. Good luck Pem