Afraid to get married?

Question

I am so scared to be married. I have been dating a guy since May 2005 and we even went and had a little boy together (on purpose)! In november of 2005 he asked me to marry him and i said yes.
But now all he does is play World of Warcraft and does not give me that much attention anymore. He plays with the baby, but it seems to me that he only wants sex from me. Not to do what we used to while dating. Now i'm thinking this is all i'm going to live for - watching the baby and him playing games.
I'm afraid i've bored him into this! i don't know how but thats how i feel. he knows i have a low selfesteem and do not think much of myself. I just hear so many couples where the girl gets married after having the baby and the guy cheats on her. i'm scared it would happen to me.
I don't know what to do!

the main thing is - he says he makes money off this game. and when he comes home from work (hello he's a video game tester) something about selling gold.
and for me i can't go anywhere - i don't have any friends, no car and i live with him. I basicly do what i was raised to do, stay home and watch the baby. i crochet for fun though.

for got to finnish - he gets home at 6pm and plays till 1 or 4 am - on weekends it's all day. and yes i've told him how i felt, but he says it's for money. *shrug* oh well

Answer 1

Why would you want to get married? If you are not happy now, you won't be when you are married and then it's harder to get away. Find some things you would enjoy doing, together or alone. Don't do it!

Answer 2

I'm sorry, but that's pretty much how my marriage is, as soon as we got married all the romance pretty much left. Men just think a lot differently than we do, they see us a goal and once they get us, they just stop trying so hard b/c they got what they wanted.

You get used to it after a while and then your relationship can really grow beyond all of the superficial stuff and you'll know what real true love is. I stay up and watch my husband play video games too and play with our baby, but it's not that he doesn't feel as strongly as he used to for you, that's what I thought at first, it's just that he feels comfortable enough with you now to just be himself and not try to impress you so much.

You also have to understand that marriage is not 2 people molding into 1 like Hollywood tells you, that is an unhealthy marriage. It is 2 people and 2 lives comming together to compliment eachother. You need to have your own life without him. While he's playing WOW do something that you like to do, or maybe just talk with him while you give him a back rub. These are things that we do, it is not as magical and romantic as you think marriage should be, but real life isn't like that, it's better, the 2 of you grow to love eachother more than you could ever imagine just by the simple things in life.

I would also talk to him about your worries and see how he feels about what you say. Also, make sure that you both have an understanding that you are not getting married just because you had a child together, that is why most of those relationships don't work out.

Also, it doesn't hurt to set up a date night where the 2 of you can go out w/out the baby and just be a couple again. I hope I helped. Congratulations on the baby and the engagement and good luck to you, marriage isn't easy, but it is worth it.

Answer 3

First off, it sounds like the initial infatuation period is over. But don't worry it is normal and inevitable; the idea is to ACT like it is still there.
Second, do not rely on your husband (or fiance or mate) to make you happy. You must create your own self esteem and it is not his job or ability to give you any. (The self esteem you felt while you were first dating was temporary because of love hormones).
Also, wanting sex from you is a good thing. That is just as much a need for a husband as talking is for a woman. You might point that out to him...but you can only point that out if you are fulfilling his needs. If his needs are met, he will be happier and in return treat you nicer. Trust me, I've seen it first hand.
Remember, you have a baby now, and your lifestyle has changed. Dating will not be the same for some time. Try to think of some things you all three can do and at least once a week. Also try to get a babysitter every week or so for a few hours so you can both go out to eat or do something that allows you to talk, giggle, and hug--reconnect.
You guys are acting married and once you are married it will be just as hard. But in spite of it being a conscious effort for a marriage to be happy, it can be wonderful if you let it.
To sum up:
Have sex often. You'll be happier too.
Make plans ahead of time for dates and family outings.
Do not rely on your mate for self-esteem. Knowing that can help.
Give it some time.
Let him play his game. He likes it. Watch him or join him.

If things do not improve by the wedding date, you guys need to have a serious talk. Marriage does not change your relationship; it won't make it better by itself. You guys have to make it better. If things don't improve after you try these things and you have a serious talk and that doesn't help, you might be happier longterm if you do not marry him.

Answer 4

Your concerns are valid. The most important things are 1) do you guys have anythings in common and if not, then 2) do you guys support your own individual interests. Say, for example, that his love for World of Warcraft is beginning to bother you and you feel he is neglecting you and your baby and the relationship and you tell this to him and he does nothing at all to change his behavior, then that is a big problem. I believe that video games are as bad as the worst addictive drugs. Many men and women are totally hooked. Now, if you played with him, it would be one thing, but it probably bores the heck out of you.

I would figure out how many hours per day, week, etc., that he is playing and get your own hobby going: (going to Starbucks, Barnes and Noble, reading, writing, sports, martial arts, chess, get together with friends, hang out, because that is extremely selfish of him to stick you with a kid to raise while he playing fun on WOW.

I would rethink the marriage think and not be afraid to bring your expectations to the table to him. Don't be afraid to approach him, after all, this IS GOING TO BE THE PERSON WHOM YOU'RE GOING TO BE MARRIED!!!!!!!!

His actions could be a blessing or a warning. If you could afford a nanny, get one while he is playing, and go do your own thing, that would be the blessing. If you are so pissed off by his addiction to video games, that you see him as a weak man who neglects you and his baby, and is basically wasting away his life and future marriage, then you've got your warning!

good luck, you can always email me. I have been married 7 years and have 4 year old daughter.
take it easy.

Answer 5

I can understand why you're worried. I know of a few couples that were in the same situation (world of warcraft is very addictive). Some women have decided to try and share the same passion as their husbands, others have complained-and still continue to complain- about the lack of attention. I believe you should set things straight. He's a father as well as a husband and should assume his responsibilites. You haven't bored him into anything, have you tried doing activities such as walks in the park, going out to dinner or even going to the beach once in a while? This'll help him regain conscience. Good luck!!

Answer 6

Marriage is hard enough with out going into it with bad feelings.. try to get couples counseling because well unfortunately u did things backwards and had a child.. so u need to atleast attempt to make this right for ur childs sake, but try EVERYTHING first, and even if he wont go with u to counseling go by urself they will teach u the tools to try and fix ur relationship .. but if ur unhappy now, unless he starts being what u need and want him to be i wouldnt marry him.. not at this point.. its unfortunate for your child.. but would only hurt them more down the road.. and if he really wants to marry u , maybe u could use that perhaps as leverage to getting him to be what u need him to be before u will marry him..
Good luck
But try everything first before u decide to go.. that way when ur child grows up, u can actually look ur child in the eyes and tell them that u did all u could to make it work.. and KNOW that its true..

Answer 7

I can really help you out with this before I got married to my husband I knew he loved to play games and he even loves to watch cartoons BIG DEAL after we got married Donnie and I ended up with 2 kids we have a one and two yearold when I ask for his help he helps me out when I tell him I want attention he gives it to me Donnie still watches cartoons and plays his games we have been married for 4 years i'm 22 he's 24 it's been working out just fine I know how a woman can feel though because I use to feel Donnie just wanted sex because he wouldn't help me a whole lot with the kids and all he did was play games and work but Donnie told me he wanted me to ask for his help so ever since I started asking him he helped me guys like women to ask them for help they can't read your mind or guess they need to know how you feel and what you want from them I use to feel the same way Donnie wants me for sex all I do is take care of the kids untill I learned he wanted me to ask for his help cause he couldn't read my mind and I then saw how big of a brat I was acting Donnie and I got married young I was 18 he was 20 and our marriage is still strong and we love eachother more and more each day both have to work at a marriage but it can work if two really love one another and they work on their marriage they will make it remember to have trust and not all marriages are the same men are all different I heard alot of stuff about getting married young that the flame won't last or the guy will cheat on you no no that's not true listen to your heart and have trust in your man and don't accuse him of anything till their is proof I mean some good evidence if your man has never given you a reason to worry about him or blame him for things don't worry about it I say although he's into games and loves being with you if you truely love him and want to spend your life with him so be it don't let something so stupid keep you from marrying him guys have their ways of relaxing and so do we some prefer games if I were you i'd be happy he's playing games instead of going to strip clubs or something sounds like he's a kid at heart like my husband big deal no worries good luck

Answer 8

.I'm 24 and my boyfriends 50 and he still plays stupid video game, he plays Xbox all the time, once men know they have you it gets worse and they ignore you more, from your picture you still look very young, you have your whole life to find a man who doesn't ignore you and play video games, maybe if he is scared of loosing you he will give you more attention so scare him. it works with me every time, become a challenge, he may not cheat on you but he could ignore you to the point where you feel like cheating on him because the neglect is so bad, that's how i feel, i am in a relationship and i feel more alone being in one and being ignored than i would being single, if you love him then tell him that he has to earn your love by treating you right, don't let him sleep with you unless he earns it your body is a special thing dont let him take you for granted, atleast he still wants to have sex with you, my boyfriend has no labido and ignores me

Answer 9

It sounds like you have a reason to be scared but one question why such low self esteem? if you dont love you then you will always be afraid that no one else will and you will settle but it would be wise to think real hard before you marry him because its easy to get married but in some cases hard to get divorced because of bitterness divorce can be very ugly especially when kids are involved you should talk to him and let him know how you feel and besides you want to marry a Man not a Boy you've already given him a son its time for him to grow up tell him he can play with his toy after he takes care of you and I am not just talking about sex.RESPECT

Answer 10

If you are not happy now, it won't magically fix itself after you marry the guy.

Why do you think YOU bored him into this? Maybe he bored himself, maybe he is just a boring person and always been like this until he met you. Then he got excited, and now he's back to normal.

Make a huge scene, brake the Warcraft CD and make him notice you. See what follows.

Plan how you're going to support the baby. If you are not making enough money think about getting child support from him.

Answer 11

Both of you are scared of commitment. No one fells out from love , they fell out from commiment. Marriage is until death. When you speak those words " Till death do us part " THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT IT MEANS. People of today could care less for their whole lifetime commitment and to honor the sanctity of marriage. Marriage is a commitment - bottom line ; FOR BETTER OR WORSE. When we marry for death, we make a commitment to stick by our ordained lifetime soulmate through thick and thin. If our soulmate screws up and makes mistakes , forgive them , work it out and maintain your lifetime commitment. Divorce should never be option no matter what. Divorce means quit, and it's the coward's way out like is killing oneself is. That is the hard core facts what marriage is all about.