How can I get my friend to be easier on her son?

Question

He is the top student in his class,plays sports, has a sweet girlfriend. Very well rounded, a little mouthy at times, doesnt drink, doesnt do drugs, basically, he is a great 17 year old. He just doesnt get very many freedoms. I see him starting to resent things like having to be home @8:00 tonight while all his friends are out. Football starts next week so he will have games every Fri. I am really worried about him getting depressed. How can I get her to give him more freedoms?

Answer 1

Well, first you need to respect the fact that not giving him alot of freedoms has resulted in a well rounded, a little mouthy, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, basically great 17 year old and commend her for her good work. Chances are that restricting his "freedoms" has resulted in true freedom - freedom from drugs, alcohol and other "entertainment" that is dangerous and gets many teens into serious life issues that they are not feeling ready for. You also need to understand how he feels about this. If he is asking for more freedom and she's not giving that to him - you can encourage mom to give more freedom and let him enjoy his friendships more, ask her questions - instead of telling her what to do - like "he's such a great kid - do you think a later curfew would be appropriate for his age?" Do most of the kids doing as well as your son have early curfews?" Asking questions is a good way to get a person thinking rather than getting on the defensive. Mom knows best and obviously - this one is good at it. If you get her thinking and something does need to change - she'll know it. Also, if he's happy living this lifestyle - why bother pushing him in an alternate direction? It sounds like he's on track for a college education, a sound future and a mature way of life apart from the things that really destroy alot of young people - why mess that up? You know that old saying, "if it's not broke, why fix it?" Suggest some safe activities that the boy could enjoy with his friends that wouldn't interfere with the obviously high standards that this family has.

Answer 2

That is funny, a friend of mine was like that with her son and he was very much like your description.

Of course the fact that my son was 2 years older probably lent some credibility but I told her that she had to watch it, she had a great kid, and he never gave her a reason to worry or doubt what he was doing and therefore she should give him more freedom and continue to do so unless he did something dumb.

Don't forget at 18, what you can do for punishment becomes severely limited.

Well this young man, was out a few weeks later and ended up calling her to say he was going to be late, there was an accident. Found out that the accident involved a classmate the next day. As a result, the young man gained some college credit this spring, as he studied to be an EMT while he was still in high school.

Also, much of the arguing ended because he was now being given privileges that were more in line with his age and his mental maturity.

He is going to college now, Pre-Med.

You can show her this.

Answer 3

You would have to give her credit of raising him to be the well-rounded guy that he is. What needs to happen first is her son should sit down and have a talk with her....tell her of his feelings and approach it without anger. He needs to talk with her about extra time to be out....could be if it is during the week that she knows he has alot on his plate and if he stays out too late, then homework will suffer, resulting in declining grades. He could work something out more for the weekends....that way he has a night to do what he wants. Really, it sounds like he is being raised to become a good man and he must deep down know this.

Answer 4

Since he is 17, maybe you could try talking to her about how it's best for kids to get used to having freedom gradually, rather than all at once when they turn 18. Play up any examples of sheltered kids you know who went wild the minute they got to college. Try to make her feel like it's her parental responsibility to make sure that he can take care of himself when he's the one setting the rules. I also agree with the poster who suggested talking to her about her fears for her son. As a good friend, listening is always the best way to help.

Answer 5

Is she raising him alone? Maybe she's worried he'll take after Dad (if he's not around) so she tries to nip it in the bud early. This is one subject that is very touchy. You don't want to condemn her or make her feel threatened by what you say. Maybe one afternoon when the two of you are alone you can ask her why she feels she needs to be so strict with him? Just be very careful to keep your tone gentle and non-confrontational. You're right though. If she keeps this up, she'll push him the other direction (IMHO).

Answer 6

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Answer 7

Ask her what it is that she is afraid of! If she doesn't give him freedom now, how will he know how to handle himself in the future? What about when he goes 2 college, he's gonna b buck wild!!! Tell her 2 let up off the reigns or he'll resent her later and never come around!!

Answer 8

You could casually bring up the subject and tell her how big he's gotten and stuff. Then tell her, "Don't you think it could be all right if he stays out a little later?" But be very careful most of us parents don't like it when people criticize our parenting skills. Besides it's not that bad at least she lets him go out. He's young and he doesn't have time to be depressed.

Answer 9

Tell your friend, to grow up! Tell her to look at the others Kids and their Parents and the problems they are having. Let her know she is Lucky to have a Son like him. Also let her know that if she doesn't loosen up she will lose him down the road. Should that happen she can look in the mirror and Blame herself for being so SELFISH. Thanks for asking. Aloha from Hawaii

Answer 10

Unfortunately you can't really. He is her son. Maybe if you have a son you could offer to chaperone while they go somewhere after with friends and she migh let him out of his cage more.