Do I have lesbian tendencies?

Question

I have been in straight relationships all my life. Have many gay & lesbian friends but I've never had any tendencies no matter how much time I spend with them. Recently got out of a relationship with a guy so I was feeling pretty depressed. I started hanging out with a group of gay women and suddenly found myself attracted to one of them. To be more specific, we have been spending a lot of time together and I am attracted to her personality so I started weighing the possibilities of being with a woman. Somehow, I am not attracted to her sexually. Don't get me wrong, she is cute and attractive but I don't feel the same way I felt when I was dating my ex boyfriend. She is the only woman who has affected me this way.

I should add that there really is a connection between us. I may / may not be on the rebound but the connection is undeniable. When we spoke about it, I did mention my concerns about hurting her should we get into a relationship and realise that its not for me. At this point, I am seriously confused as I actually have feelings for her. It's the same kind of feeling you get at the back of your spine, that tingly feeling when you meet someone you like/adore/love... I had an intense relationship with my ex, and to think that she has just about managed to edge out thoughts of him scares me. Thank you all for your advice.

Let me just say that after having met her, it has changed my perception of self worth and should I go out with a man again, he'd have to pretty much measure to her standards. Having said that, this is the first time I've questioned my sexuality as I've never met a woman who has made me need to.

Answer 1

Just go for it, become bisexual, it's totally acceptable in this day and age. I introduced my ex wife to bisexual sex and she loved it, "Oh, it's so soft and gentle Tony, I love it." We are divorced now, guess I have something to learn from bi women. Don't allow your social upbringing to hinder your lifestyle, you only live once and you should not get to 75 and regret not living to the full. Tony in remotest Indo-China.

Answer 2

I really don't think you have lesbian tendencies. In fact, it sounds like you are going through the pain of the loss of the relationship, and have someone who is meeting the need of being there for you as a friend. You may be feeling bad about men right now, and that might make you fear full of being hurt again. There is a really good book out that could help you sort out your feeling. Its call Secrets Of Attractions, by Sandra Ann Taylor. You can get it at Barns and Noble. Its A great book for people who what to find a love that will last.

Answer 3

Well, based on the fact that you say "Somehow, I am not attracted to her sexually" that sort of precludes you being lesbian.

I don't think you need to have sex w/someone of the same sex/gender to call yourself whatever orientation you want; and you won't really know unless you 'go there' (have lesbian sexual relations) and find out, now will you?

You could be bisexual, bi-curious, lesbian, straight,... and any of those are OK by me and many other people.

Personally, sweetie, I think you're confused and hurt; and the strong connection w/this woman is making you wonder about your sexuality. Yet you seem to say you know it's personality and not sexual. If you felt this kind of connection to a man, would you wonder if you're lesbian because you're not sexually attracted to him?

Anyway, whatever it is, be happy for a strong connection, if it's returned. Enjoy it for whatever it is or will be...

Answer 4

You'll never know until you try it, will you? Maybe it's not sensible to have your first fling with this woman that you care so much about, but when did passion and lust ever listen to sense? Be absolutely honest with this woman. Tell here that you have feelings for her but don't know exactly what they are - then let her make the decisions. If she is willing to take the risk, then go for it. In my experience, relationships with women are rarely as power-fraught as those with men. Providing that she knows what she is getting into then things are much less likely to turn out bitter, simply because she isn't trying to get one over on you, and it's pretty unlikely that she is just using you for sex. You don't have to go all-in straight away, maybe you could just kiss her - if this makes you feel sexual then you have your answer.
Enjoy!

Answer 5

When i read your question, one of the first things that popped into my head was the movie 'Kissing Jessica Stein' which is about a straight woman (Jessica) who meets and experiences a strong connection with another woman (Helen), their personalities 'click', so they embark on a relationship which eventually ends and Jessica goes back to being with guys again.

As one reviewer writes..
"Jessica is seduced by the best-friend quality she finds in Helen that she has been unable to find with a man, and she mistakes fleeting moments of sexual attraction for the enduring kind. Their relationship eventually hits the rocks when Helen realizes that Jessica's not as into the sexual aspect of the relationship as she is. Ultimately, both women come to realize that Jessica is more attracted more to the idea of Helen than to Helen herself, and that they both deserve better than that"

From what you're saying, it sounds like you are in a situation much like Jessica and Helen's (right before they start having a full blown relationship)

If i were you i would tread carefully, before you do anything you may later regret you need to be sure that you're sure about what you're doing.
I can completely understand what you're feeling, i've been in a similar situation myself.
I got out of a long and deep relationship with a guy, and a few months later (while still recovering from that) i met a woman that i REALLY clicked with, in a big way (she was gay), we became very close and affectionate with eachother, she was everything that i wanted in a best friend, but i think the fact she was gay confused things. She wanted us to be a couple, but i was cautious because i didnt want either of us to get hurt. Although she and i carried on our 'very close friendship' for over 2 years, and even had a few sexual fumblings, we were never totally committed to eachother (although outwardly, everyone who knew us assumed we were together). I think one of the reasons that our relationship never became concrete was the fact that i was not 100% sure about the nature of my own sexuality, i had only been with guys before, and even though i knew i had an attraction to women and i found this particular woman very intruiging, i was reluctant to use her as my guinea pig, because i liked her so much.
She eventually found someone else, someone that could offer her the sex life she wanted, and i moved on too.
Ironically, the next person i got into a real relationship with was another woman. I fell in love with her and she and i have been together for almost 3 years now and are thoroughly commited to eachother and are getting married next month :-)
(and by the way, we enjoy wonderful sex-life!)

Really, i cant tell you whether you should or shouldn't go for it with this woman you like so much. She obviously has feelings for you, and you for her. But you need to both be aware that if you go down the relationship route, it may not work out.
On the other hand, you could find that your eyes are opened to a life and love that you never knew could exist.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide to do.

Answer 6

You answered your own question when you said you were not attracted to her sexually. You are hurting and looking for friendship and emotional support, and apparently she is being there for you, like a good friend. Worry about lesbian tendencies when a woman makes you want to rip your clothes off and drag her to the bedroom.

Answer 7

~You're on the rebound girlfriend! Be careful.....you don't want to hurt anyone do you? Think about her feelings as well and let her know the probability of break up. You're lonely and curious. There's nothing wrong with that...., but make sure you're ready to commit and be open as well as honest every step of the way! You know.....us women Can be vindictive. On the flip side: What doesn't kill you-makes you stronger. Good luck~

Answer 8

You have to be sexually attracted to your partner. What you have is a really tight friendship and you admire her but no it doesnt sound like a relationship between the two of you would work in the long run

Answer 9

You were at a low and she provided you with friendship. She met a need. Something in her personality attracted you. Don't lose that by making her a science project. I have a particular male friend that came to my emotional rescue when my girlfriend and I broke up. He is great, but I would never consider him anything other than a really good friend.

Answer 10

Anybody is capable of feelings for either sex...especially when we are in a very vunerable position like you are having just ended a relationship..most people have bi tendancies..they may be hidden but they ARE there.

My recomendedation would be to stay as just friends for several weeks, after which time you will feel in a better position to decide, and if you then decide its not for you at least you wont have done anything which may jepodise your friendship

Answer 11

maybe, maybe not, or you just feel like that you need to have a womans company after breaking up and being hurt by your boyfriend, it may be that you are just not wanting to feel that hurt for a while, BUT, if you know this woman is a lesbian and you do get involved how is she going to feel if you break her heart when you find that your aren't lesbian and want to go out with a man again? be careful