Why look at porn when you have me?

Question

I am engaged and my fiance seems to have a problem with porn. We have had fights about it, and this last time he "swore" off of it. He offered a compromise that he would just look at women in bikini's, but to me it seems that the bottom line is the same- he is still looking at other women in a sexual manner. I have explained to him how I feel, and I have told him I will do whatever he wants(sexually) in order to feel like he doesn't have to look at that stuff. I am an attractive woman and used to have more confidence(before this), and I always say yes to him when it comes to sex, in 1 1/2 years I've never told him I didn't want to have sex and have never been closed minded, so why isn't that enough? I am going to talk to someone myself tomorrow, and in the future hope to bring my fiance with me. I think some of my issues with it do come from my own insecurities but i also think it has a lot to do with his reluctancy to stop looking at it.He is a great guy and this is really hurting us.

Let me just say that all your answers have been very helpful. My fiance assures me that his looking at porn has nothing to do with me and that he is attracted to me.It's just something he likes to do and that I shouldn't take it so personal. With that said, and the fact that many of you seem to feel the same, Do I keep the counseling appointment I have tomorrow? I feel that his looking at porn has hurt my confidence and that is why I am seeking counseling, i want to deal with the issues that are making his porn habit so hurtful for me.

Answer 1

Jesus christ listen to me right now.
I was in a relationship for 2 and a half years with a man who had a problem with porn. I asked him to stop, he said he would. Later I found out he had been using it.
It got to the point where I said fine sean, me or the porn. And he was said you, of course you. A few months later there were over 60 videos and pictures the one i remember most clearly I discovered while uploading him a mix cd i made for his ipod as a surprise..."teencheerleader no panties".
The hurt, humiliation and complete disgust is something I will never forget.
People always say oh well its just porn its not as if he is cheating on you.
But we both know that its not about that, its about how it makes you feel, your not good enough, your not attractive enough, your not as sexy as the women on the computer.
And its also about how your fiance sees women.
Porn, although widely popular, is disgusting. It degrades women by depicting them as sexual tools, some porn even shows women being tied up and "pleasured".
What a brilliant idea, lets make a movie with a woman tied up and then we can take turns gang-banging her...We all know how much influence the media has on people and if you believe that porn is exempt from that classification you are mistaken.
I stayed with my boyfriend even after the porn or me fiasco because him and all his friends and my friends told me that it was nothing and that everyone looks at porn.
I regret that. Get help. Make rules. If porn really is nothing to him, tell him to stop for you. God, I'm so mad because I was exactly where you were, great guy....annoying habbit.
All i can say is get help, and if he keeps up, get out before it destroys your sense of self-worth.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

Porn was probably among his first and/or most satisfying sexual experiences and he's probably hooked on it, unfortunately. Does that mean that there is something wrong with you? Absolutely not, though I understand why it makes you feel that way. Whatever you do, try to understand that he isn't doing it because you are not good enough. He has a bad habit - an addiction of sorts. It would be good for him to go and get help if he cannot stop on his own. It would also be in your best interest, if you truly care about him, to be understanding and encouraging. This does not mean that you should allow and encourage the porn, but rather that you should help him to realize that you are his friend and you care about him and will not judge him for his behavior (I imagine he feels guilty about it, and if not, then you should dump him because he's probably not that good of a guy after all), but rather will help him through and stick by him. And of course you should still make it clear how you feel about his porn use, just don't do it in a way that pushes him away as this will only isolate him further. Good luck.

Answer 4

It is a tricky issue, and obviously there are many ways to look at this issue. First, I congradulate you for first seeing how your reaction relates to you and "talking to somebody" about it--hopefully they are a licensed professional.

Since it is such a concern for you, and it's threatening your relationship, you are wise to seek a marriage counselor. (I had 2 very dear friends who married, and it came out that he had a very strong addiction to porn. It did not stop and it tore apart their marriage, and his addiction lost him many good friends and affected his professional career.)

It does sound more like an addiction since it is interfering with your relationship, and he can't seem to stop despite promises to quite. These are warning signs, and you should trust your feelings about it. It could be true that he isn't acting out with other women, but having an addiction to something is like having a relationship. He seems to be spending time with it, and can't quit doing it. And eventhough the content of the addiction expressed through porn is sexual, it isn't necessarily about sexuality. It's the addiction and the "high" sensation he gets from it.

On the other hand, looking at other attractive women for men (very generally speaking, and particularly for bi- & heterosexuals), is a natural thing. If he tries to repress it, it'll just get stronger and then it'll manifest in uglier ways. But, that isn't really the issue here, is it?

Last thing: HIS addiction (or just plain interest if that were the case) is no reflection ON YOU! I can't stress that enough. It is about him. It definitely impacts your relationship, but it is not any reflection on your attractiveness and beauty as a person. Don't be afraid to do the right thing for you and him. If he can't stop, he is likely addicted. He needs treatment in some way (and I don't mean for a 'couple of sessions' or even 6 months to a year). Addictions are deeply rooted in the psyche, and take time to work through the underlying issues that the addiction is trying to soothe in the first place. It is recommended that treatment include cognitive-behavioral, analytical, possible psychopharmacological (meds if necessary), and group support.

Long answer, but I hope it helps. Good luck to you!

Answer 5

How do people learn who they are and what they want? Experience! Most people haven't had a wide range of sexual encounters and with the problems of diseases these days, I think that porn can be a Healthy way to learn and grow sexually. You say your open minded, try looking at it as an innocent way of him learning and expressing who he is and what he wants. This guy is engaged to you! He is with you and wants you! Hell, he even is trying to make compromises, because he cares about you! Remember its human nature to always want what you don't have. Always looking for bigger and better things, but he is looking with you. Now don't get me wrong, if he is going out and cheating or something like that, then he is wrong, but if he is only satisfying his curiosity by watching porn then I say support him. You said yourself that you are an open minded, attractive women! That sounds like you have confidence in yourself and him watching porn shouln't change that. Do you lose confidence if he watchs a female newsreporter, or actress. There are always going to other women to look at no matter how hard you try not to look. Remember he is with you! You said he is a great guy, do really believe that? If so, then let him be great to you. Why watch a scary movie when we live in a scary world, or Why watch a romance movie if your already in love? Trust him?!? Just my opinoin! Good luck one way or the other!

Answer 6

It's a fantasy is many mens minds. He may have the best woman in the whole world - who gives him everything he could ever imagine, yet at the same time - he's only looking, I know this offers you little comfort, but just imagine if he was doing MORE than looking - and he was meeting these women instead? Just because you have regular sex does NOT mean that you would no longer ever have the desire to please yourself? Perhaps he feels that he simply can't ask you for it as often as he desires it (for whatever reason?) Maybe he prefers that YOU initiate it instead? Communicate with him. Find the reason he feels he "needs" it. Given the option, if you make some suggestions fror why he might feel he needs it, you may just find the answer? He may not know why himself quite honestly!

Answer 7

In my work to get a Master's Degree to become a mental health practitioner, I completed what is called a Practicum, an in-the-field work and write-up on a particular subject. I chose the subject, and title "Male Sexuality", and one of the very first things I found in the research is that men are primarily visually stimulated / responsive, whereas women are primarily kinesthetically / physically stimulated / responsive. Now, I know that may not come as much news to you, but it is good to be reminded of this every now and then because the entire entertainment world focuses on men's visual stimulation / orientation, and sex is a primary seller of all types of merchandise, so, that your husband likes to look at "porn" is only a human being responding to what the media or entertainment world is putting out there for him to respond to. Now, I heard you say that you never say no to your husband sexually and that you always keep an open mind. Well, as fantastic as that may sound, the entertainment world has you beat, no matter how beautiful you are, because they have your husband responding to them. They are not waiting for your husband to respond to them. They are taking the initiative to sexually arouse him BEFORE he does anything, but you are waiting to respond to him. You aren't initiating a lot, or primarily, as I can read in your question. It's like you're competing in a hundred yard dash, and you're giving your opponents a 25 yard head start!! You'll NEVER win that way. YOU have to initiate the sexual activities with your husband CONSISTENTLY, and with variety and excitement. Otherwise you're just a manekin for sexual release for him. If YOU INITIATE sexual activities, on a regular basis, and take on sexual behavior as something YOU ENJOY, then he'll respond to you much more quickly, and you won't lose the "race" so often. Your husband's not a sex pervert or any such thing. He's just responding to HUGE sexual stimulation in the entertainment world, and you're offering no similar arousal, no matter how beautiful you are, or whether you "always say yes" to your husband. Make your husband say YES to YOUR sexual demands, YOUR sexual excitement, and he'll wonder who the new woman it is that he's married to, and may be a bit fearful about what you've been up to as well, although trying to make him jealous is NOT a smart idea. That is counterproductive to your efforts, contrary to one of the answers I read. YOU take the sexual lead. YOU start the sexual activities. Be creative. Be arousing. Be real when you do it. Get into it. Enjoy it. You'll have your husband so damn tired after a while that the last thing on earth he will want is another woman to satisfy. But YOU have to initiate. Get VERY IN TOUCH WITH YOUR OWN SEXUAL AROUSAL AND PREFERENCES, and then your husband will be your sexual slave and not visa versa. God Bless you.

Answer 8

I can't believe you are such a weeny. Porn is a good thing. If you don't want him to seek exposure to porn then it is up to you to supply him with threesome encounters with a second and maybe a third woman. You should pick a nice bi black woman. Maybe you should hire a professional mistress to help you rape your boyfriend sometime instead of moaning over the natural fact that he has sexual requirements you are not up to handling. Right? Am I right? Don't forget that you will never know thew sexual pressure that is on a young male in his twenties let alone his teens. You and I will never have a clue so I say, "Suck it up bi tch and grow the fu ck up."

Answer 9

Men, let me say not all men, tend to be very visual oriented. So they are attracted like a moth to a flame. His watching porn does not have anything necessarily to do with you. The male brain is just wired that way.

Answer 10

That would bother me too. I can not say I don't look at it now and then, but never in front of mt GF. That is incredibly disrespectful to you. You have to realize that things don't get better when you get married, they usually get worse! If he has a lack of respect for you now just wait. You are being takin for granted big time.