Just a quick poem, hope you like! Tell me what you think: GULP!?

Question

Ancestors

The swallows swooping in this evening sky
Graced your eyes in years gone by
Caught your weary ancient eye
Above the graveyard where you lie

Each blue summer saw your smiles
As swallows winged a thousand miles
You collected wood in piles
To see you through the winter trials

Yet cold though winters hand maybe
You are not cold and dead to me
You are nearer than the birds I see
Nesting in the chestnut tree

Your roots entwined with me and mine
I am the fruit and you the vine
You are the plane and I the line
Spring is the season and the sign

That from the clay where now you lie
Grow branches that have reached the sky
And birds will nest there by and by
For everything must live and die
And so must I, and so must I...

Answer 1

Singsong poetry usually puts me off. This, however, captured my attention and propelled me toward the end. This piece is exceptional, very emotive and evocative. I agree with the comment that urged you toward poetry.com and with those who encourage your continued writing, exploration, and expression. Very nice. Very good. And, thank you.

Answer 2

Thought I would try my own re-write

The swallows in the evening sky
Catch your weary ancient eye
Every spring they flit and fly
Above the graveyard where you lie

Azure summers filled with smiles
As swallows winged a thousand miles
You collected wood in piles
To see you through the winter trials

And chill though winter's hand may be
You are not cold and dead to me
You're closer than the birds who flee
The frost that chills the bones of thee

Comes spring again, rain turns to shine
Your roots entwine with me and mine
I am the fruit and you the vine
The birds return, their path divine

And from the clay where you now lie
Come branches reaching towards the sky
The swallows nest there by the by
For everything must live and die
And so must I, and so must I...

Answer 3

Good form and word choice for the most part, but it needs another edit. Maybe have the swallows replace birds in the last stanza to keep with that theme - "And swallows nest there by the by"

Also watch your tenses - the balance between past and present is another important theme.

Tighten it up a bit and you'll have a fine poem that could be published anywhere.

Answer 4

I liked it and to disagree w/an above comment, I did not like the last line.. it was quite flowing and original and then I felt "hit" with a poetic device... the poetic repeat, you might say.. I don't think you gain anything by using this.. it reads great w/o the last line.. very lyrical.. good for you.. if you want a repeat at the end, why not use again the line before, but eliminate the "For" in the repaet.. then it is a tad different but you get your effect.. it would read:
For everything must live and die
Everything must live and die

or just - "Everything must die." - as a last line..

ok - not that you asked, just playing here - good job!!

Answer 5

I admit, I'm crying as I write this! So ignore any spelling errors, the screen is just a little blurry!

Really, I saw nothing at all wrong with this poem. I loved your simplistic use of words and how you ryhmed without making the ryhmes seem too forced. It was touching, an excellent tribute to a loved one. The ending reminded me, in the best way possible, of the ending to many of Edgar Allen Poe's pieces.

Overall, it was breathtaking and touching. As I said before, it brought me to tears!

Answer 6

I LIKE it! And don't let anyone tell you there is no market for rhyming poetry-not true. I am sick of people who write random thoughts and call it poetry with no regard to how it scans or meter, rhyming or unrhymed. That said, your poem is obviously from a beginning poet because some of he meter is off-words accented on the wrong syllables and you have no puncuation. I think, though, you are on the right track. Revise this one.

Answer 7

I'm not one for poetry, iv'e read many poems on this site, and in all honesty i dont like them! THIS I LIKE from the word go i knew what you were talking about, i find im in that last verse by the time i know whats going on, my only criticism with this poem is the very last line? I Would like to read more of your poems from what i have seen here.

Answer 8

Actually, I like the poem, not T.S Eliot but not bad, What concerns me is your answer to another questioner ... where you said, "We already live in the eternal void 'do' not have a soul that 'is' subject to dissolution."

As long as we're aware and living the void is just the likable universe ... what's wrong with that ?
And your soul is something that a poet should recognize primarily , above all, as his source ... just readjust your thinking ... think it out or your dissolution is inevitable ... in that case .... Bye, bye.
Jonnie

Answer 9

Nice poem ^^ I like how in the last line, you use repetition ... I find it very reminiscent of Robert S. Frost when he says ... "And miles to walk before I sleep ... And miles to walk before I sleep ..." in "Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening"

Answer 10

That is a great poem. I also write and have had many published you should send that it to a poetry place like the national library of poety. or poetry.com
Keep up the good work, thanks for sharing this with all of us!