I cant orgasm?

Question

Me and my boyfriend have sex alot..not alot-alot..but enough..and ive never been able..to orgasm..Its extremley frusterating for both of us..im the only one who he hasnt been able to make orgasm..and im the one who means everything to him..and neither of us can figure it out...Once..i pre-orgasmed for and hour and a half..but my body just wouldnt let go...So im thinking..its because i was raped when i was 7..and that was..very tramatizing..but now..im mentaly over it..so im thinking thats why i havent been able too..both of us..are pretty much fed up..were both very sexual people..and me only getting him off..doesnt satisfy him..Ive never had one..so i dont know what im missing out on..but..ive herd..yeah..I just want to know if..its physically or mentally possible..for my body to keep me from having one..because of what happened..and if so..how can i fix this..because..we've tried everything..i have problems relaxing..but thats it..thats the only other answer i can possibly think of..

You say he doesnt know anything..but trust me...he does..he studied sex for years and years..he knows what hes doing..Like i said..im the only one he hasnt been able to.."fully please" so that has to say something..

Ok..just to clear a few things up..everytime we have sex..its somewhere new..something new..pretty much most of its oral..we have a mini collection of toys..i mean..our sex life isnt boring..Ive pre-orgasmed for and hour and a half before my body collapsed..He studied sex for years..Hes hitting the right spots..and my body is reacting like it should..my toes curl..my hands cramp..i shake..the works..i just want to know..if its because i was raped at such a young age..i mean..im over it..and ive learned what i needed to from it..and..im obviously open about it..so i dont understand..

Answer 1

It sounds like there is a combination of things going on here.
1. the childhood rape - can cause a lot of mixed feelings about sexuality and intimacy,
2. sex has become more about technique and body reactions and mechanics than about making love. So it is more work now than comfortable expressions of loving intimacy (and this attitude can also be partly a result of the rape, as well as your partner's anxiety about his performance).
3. confusion about how we're 'supposed' to feel during sex. I agree that it sounds like you actually are at least beginning to orgasm, though you seem to be saying that you are not finishing the orgasm. This can also go back to how you felt during the rape, which can be confusing too,,, especially if the rapist gave you pleasurable feelings along with the bad feelings. There can be an element of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder here,, the two events - past and present - can kind of blend together into a confusion, and then you might stop it by stopping the orgasm.
4. An orgasm is just part of the whole experience of intimacy, and foreplay, and love making. To concentrate on the orgasm itself,, is kind of putting the cart before the horse. When you feel comfortable cuddling, smooching, being vulnerable with your partner, participating yourself instead of taking only a passive role, trusting yourself and your partner, enjoying just BEING in his embrace,,, and NOT WORRYING. Some therapists recommend that you and your partner hold off on trying to achieve an orgasm till all these other conditions are met. Just lay together in an embrace,, just enjoy each other,,, and when you are ready,, it will happen. How about getting married? How long have you two been together? Have you two talked about the possibility of pregnancy? Those are actually factors that can affect the ability to completely let go also.

Answer 2

There might be many reasons. You can try to try new ideas, including oral sex. In sex you gotta be very creative all the time you cant just do the same thing all the time. Ive been with someone about 3 yrs and i can make her get and orgasm without sex. how about that? Well anyways, to the point you might not wanna rush it and keep doing whatevers turns you on until you really wanna do it. I dont know if youve ever heard of grinding but that can make you have an orgasm too. well you gotta have faith i to had someone who was raped but i turned her life around. Im not a sex god but i like new ideas. You should try to not think about the problem but focus in the sexuality. You gotta hit the spot to make it drop. thats what people say and its true.

Answer 3

the mental is always connected to the physical. u said that you had gotten over being raped when you where 7, but is it possible that deep down, you haven't? rape is very traumatizing and it's possible there's a mental block that you're not "mentally" aware of. maybe some counseling would help or at least be a good start to over come (excuse the pun) this physical set back. other things to consider-how you and your boyfriend approach sexual situations (is there any fore play? are you totally relaxed at the time? is a matter of quickies or are you really trying to make love?) but sounds like if this has been going on for a while and your boyfriend is still with you, (and he's studied human sexuality) then you may have a very good chance of beating this. good luck 2 you

Answer 4

You are not "over" your rape, over doesn't exist for certain things. You must go back into therapy to disconnect the event, which is always brutal, even if you were not beaten, from loving sex with your bf. If he would go with you, that would help. Orgasm requires a "letting go," and it is difficult to do once rape has made you furious and swearing to never have it happen again. Hypnotherapy may help.
I have another suggestion, and it may sound strange, but cuddle without sex the next two or three times,
you can masturbate your bf, but no vaginal sex, and maybe that will let you see that he is not just there for sex, although consciously you know he is not, but to see it unconsciously, and later be able to let go, and totally surrender to the uncontrolled orgasm.
Why not try it? To eliminate any pressure?
Also, are you afraid that if you orgasm, he will leave?

Answer 5

I don't think there's anything wrong with either of you. Pressure is one of the worst things that can happen in the bedroom. Try and forget about the "goal" and go with the flow (make sure there is no pressure on you at all, from yourself or him). Try different positions, too, there may only be one or some that work for you. If you think it may be due to your past, then perhaps counselling will help. I've heard that some women don't experience an orgasm until well into their 20's, sometimes into their 30's. Unlike men, for most women, it's all in our heads, or mostly in our heads. Good luck and try not to worry about it, that'll keep it from happening.

Answer 6

Your boyfriend is not giving you orgasms?

Wherever did we get the idea that women are passive receptors, waiting patiently for others to fill us up and give us pleasure, of any kind? Orgasm generally occurs as a result of a combination of physical and emotional wellbeing, when a woman is in a good and happy place in her life. Dealing with misinformation about sex and receiving healing for wounding experiences from our past are important for us to enjoy good sex as adults.

Safety and trust are non-negotiable qualities in a relationship if orgasm is to occur with any regularity. To the degree that he is not supplying those for you, he can indeed take some of the credit for what you are not experiencing in your times of being sexual with him.

If you are in a safe and mutual relationship and are still experiencing low desire and anorgasmia, or lack of orgasm, you could ask your doctor to check for low testosterone levels.

I went through something simular. The only thing I can suggest is to maybe get to know your own body. Do you have "toys"? Have you ever tried to "please" yourself without his assistance?

Sometimes being on your own, in a place where you feel safe and comfortable you find that you are more open to yourself.... this is where you can explor your body and the things that make you feel good.

You do not need to have an orgasm in order to enjoy your sexual experience, to be "pleased".

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I just read your "add on".

It sounds like your body is having an orgasm ... what makes you think that you aren't?? Is it because you don't see any discharge like a man has?
Not all woman have that discharge and that is very "normal".

Answer 7

I was about to say it sounds like perhaps you cannot relax enough to let go but then I read where you were raped. That right there would be enough to cause problems. Most lack of orgasm issues can be traced back to lack of trust, lack of relaxing, or something traumatizing then again you could just be trying too hard. If is it a big issue in your relationship it might be worthwhile to seek counseling. Good luck.

Answer 8

It sounds like you're trying to hard, which can put a damper on the whole thing. Just let yourself completely relax and do some deep breathing during the act. Also some women can only orgasm if they clench their butt muscles (i know, sounds weird) and inner thigh muscles when they're close.
The more you worry about having one, the less likely it will become. You gotta let go, girl!

Answer 9

well, you haven't said how old you are, but i'll share with you that i was very "sexual" as a girl and young woman but didn't start having orgasms until i was in my mid 20's. then in my 30's it got better, and in my 40's everything got GREAT!!
so, you have plenty of time and a lot to look forward to. i hope you can just relax and enjoy each other, realize this is perfectly normal, and fuhgettaboutit *laugh*
then one day you'll get a nice surprise!

i think it's great that he cares so much and is trying so hard, but hopefully he can accept that you are really enjoying yourself and that's the goal.
*hugs* and be happy

Answer 10

girl i had the same problem u know what helped ?? fantisazing about something that turns u on and that should work it can be the mind and body that sometimes dont let go, but its all in our head and think of something that turns u on, turn off the world, concentrate on an orgasm