any good jokes?

Question

im very bored right now can u plz give some good jokes ty

Answer 1

A man with a depressed face walks into a bar... straight to the bartender and says, "Whisky, double." Bartender serves the depressed man and he chugs the shot and says, " Another one."
After many shots the bartender asks the man, " What's wrong partner ?" Man says, " Today I caught my old lady with my best friend in the act." Bartender very shocked and interested asks, "Then what?" Man says, " I start yelling at my wife and at the same time I start grabbing her belongings and throwing them out the window. After that I throw her out." Bartender asks, " What did you say to your best friend?" Man replies," All I said was BAD DOG."

Answer 2

9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their *** to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!
5. When people say, while watching a film, "Did you see that?". No, Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya, Sunshine?
7. When something is "new and improved!"...Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever experiences!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Dumb-***?

Answer 3

Texas Cop

Two men were driving through Texas when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps his nightstick on the window. The driver rolls down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacks him in the head with his nightstick.
"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
"You're in Texas, son," the trooper answered.
"When we pull you over in Texas, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
"What did you do that for?" the passenger demands.
"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.
"Because I know your type," the trooper says, "two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that **** with me!' "

Answer 4

What type of hair cuts do men get? (Think about it for a sec before you read the punchline) Alright, there are only three types. (1)Combed over to the side (2)Not combed over to the side Or finally (3)Combing back to the natural side like Dr. Phil's hair

Answer 5

i heard this one back in highschool a man trying to rob a house steps in through the window and he hears jesus is wathcing you jesus is watching you he shines his flash light and sees nothing so he walks on and again he hears jesus is watching you jesus is watching you he shines his lashlight at a parakeet cage and asks the parakeet are you saying that?? and the parakeet replies why yes.... so the burgler asks what your name?? the parakeet responds my name is mosses and the burgler asks what kind of man would name his pet parakeet mosses?? and mosses replies the same that would name his roitwiller jesus...

Answer 6

what can go up the chimney down but can't come down the chimney up. trust me there is a logical answer. good luck

Answer 7

a man cums from church and carries his wife around de house, she asks,"did de pastor preach abt being romantic,today?",to which he replies,looking stressed,"NO!,he said we should carry our BURDENS AND SORROWS!!"

Answer 8

you stupid

gets em every time